All in his head

thirty

Tate

I woke up in the middle of the night. The news of my father and uncle's release finally sunk in all the way.

They were going to be free of their crimes, no longer living in a hellish cement box, they would get to live normal lives. Something they robbed me of, something they robbed my brother and mother of. 

I don't want to live in a world where they are free men, they should have been killed for what they did. 

Adrian slept peacefully beside me, his arm around me holding me to his body. My brain still hasn't processed all that happened last night. The way he cried as he tried to explain his fears and what was going on, true raw emotion and all I could do was play with his hair. I feel like an idiot, he was letting me see a side of him he so clearly tries to hide and I couldn't even explain what was going on inside my head. 

The big scary leader of some crime organization that I don't fully understand cried to me, over his fears of me getting hurt. All because I couldn't let go texts from some bitchy girls that he blocked and deleted in front of me. 

But at the same time, I still felt angry at him. He didn't tell me something I should have known in the first place. 

He has a savior complex, he likes being the one to help and save me. But he doesn't realize when he does it, he hurts me. Keeping truths from me to "protect me" or flat out lying to do so. I don't know how to get him to realize that he hurts when he tries to save me. 

I need someone to be with me during hard times, not try and save me from them like they never happened. I want Adrian in my life, but I can't handle this circle we keep going in.

My eyes wonder down to the tattoo on his hip, the words he won't tell me the meaning of. My fingers lightly run across the ink and tracing the letters. His hand squeezes my waist and I feel his eyes on me,

"What are you doing up?" He asks, I lift my head from his chest and stare into his eyes. Tiny specs in his eyes almost look white, his eyes always amazed me. I never understood how such eyes could exist, thousands of different shades of blue exist in them. The colors in them looked even brighter under the moonlight.

"I couldn't sleep" I answer, he frowns and sits up. I find myself slowly sitting up too and leaning against him. "Wanna get out of this hell hole then?" His smile holds a boyish look like were stupid teenagers. But I don't question him, I nod and his smiles grows even more. 

He gets us both out of bed, quickly brushing our teeth before walking out the door. We get into his car and start driving. 

Soft music play as he drove further away from the city. The roads are almost completely empty, light rain runs down the windows. 

It doesn't feel real, the peace of the outside world soothing out my thoughts.

Thoughts of my doubts, my fears, memories bubbling to the surface. It all is calmed by the peaceful surroundings of the abandoned outside world and the large warm hand holding my own. 

The drive lasts until the sun begins peaking over the rolling hills of the countryside. Pinks and oranges paint the morning sky as Adrian parks next to a small cabin over looking the sea. He keeps the car on but relaxes more in his seat. 

"Tell me what's going on inside your head" He orders in a soft tone, he sounds tired.

I'm tired too. 

I'm so fucking tired of all of this.

"I don't even know where to begin" I respond, his hand squeezes mine and brings our hands to rest on his lap. "Do you want to go inside or down to the beach?" He offers, I nod and slip my hand from his. 

Without me even specifying where I wanted to go, we started walking down to the shore. The cool misty air and soft crashing of the waves make me feel at home. The beach is my home.

Adrian spreads out a blanket and tucks me into his side. His body acts like a heater to mine, his skin is always warm. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have him as a personal heater. 

"I need to tell you something" I say, he tenses. Every muscle pressed against me goes ridged when the words leave me. I grab his hand that rests on my waist and draw shapes into his palm.

He relaxes a little but I know he stills knows this isn't going to be an easy conversation. 

"If we are going to be anything, you can't be my savior. You have to be my partner" I state, I can feel his eyes are burning into my skull but I keep my eyes on deep ocean water. I know I would break down if I looked into those eyes right now. "You can't just keep saving me and expecting it not to hurt me, because it does. It makes me feel weak and incapable" I spew out on the brink of tears. 

"I want to be with you, Adrian. I want you to be the man in my life, but not like this. I don't want a man with a savior complex" I finally get out before taking a deep breath and leaning into his side, wiping the fallen tears from my cheeks. 

He doesn't say anything for a moment, he just holds me tight and rests his head on top of mine.

A long moment of silence hangs in the air, I just keep tracing shapes into his hand to keep myself calm. I need him to say something, say he didn't realize it and he would work on not doing it so we can finally and we can be somewhat normal for now. 

"God I'm a fucking moron" He mutters, I nod and twist my body more into his. 

Why is he so damn warm and I'm so damn cold?

"Could you ever possibly forgive me, baby?" He asks, I look up at him and give him a sad smile. 

"Promise to try and not just play superman, and I could forgive you. I don't think I could live without you anyways" I answer, he once more relaxes and kisses the top of my head. 

"Ik ben zo verliefd op je prinses" He whispers, I look up to his eyes and wait for him to translate what he said. He just looks down at me with a calm expression. 

For the first time in over a day, the only emotion between us is peace. Both of us are clearly exhausted from it. 

We watch in silence as the colors in the sky change, the stars slowly fade away and the sun makes it full appearance.

"Can you teach me Dutch?" I ask, he smiles down at me and moves the hair away from my face. 

"One day, but for now I like you not knowing the words I whisper to you, prinses" He answer once again using that one dutch word. 

"Can you at least tell me what prinses means?" He grins and shakes his head, "Use that beautiful brain of yours to figure it out" 

I frown and try to connect the word to something even close to english. Then it clicks.

"Is it dutch for princess?" I ask, he smiles and nods. "Perfect prinses" 

He places a light kiss on my lips and holds me until we finally decide to leave the beach and return to our lives of utter chaos.