All in his head

thirty six

Tate

6 Months Later.

The Mountains have turned into my favorite thing. I love watching them early in the morning, at sunset, and when the midday sun hits them perfectly making their snowy white peaks sparkle. 

32 week pregnant, about 2 more months until I'm expected to have Adrian's son. I still haven't decided on a name for him, but I knew Adrian was going to be the middle name. I want my son to have a piece of his father since he will be robbed of getting to know his dad. 

Somehow I have managed to find a way with Adrian. 

About 3 months after Adrian's death, I moved and started working again. I work from home and only go into the office about once a month if needed. I signed over Adrian's businesses to his brother, Xander, I know I can't handle that lifestyle. And I want my child to have a safe normal life. 

Xander has visited me every month once I moved up to Washington. He takes me to every appointment and when he can't, Lisa comes up. Kai and Atlas have been helping me set up the nursey and figuring out what will happen once the baby is born. 

The war is still ongoing, no sign of Tommy or Adrian's murderer. Dominic has been good at keeping me updated and making sure I knew where they stand. 

Not that I cared much, I'm more focused on staying healthy during the final stretch of pregnancy. I had a rough pregnancy, between the constant morning sickness and the father of my baby not being here, it's a miracle I've made it this far. 

I still haven't taken off the ring or stopped texting Adrian's number. I send him updates of the baby, tell him when I get reminded of him and start crying again. Then that one time I had called him. It was after I found out his mom had spread his ashes in the ocean with their immediate family without me. At the time she didn't know he had proposed and I was pregnant. But it still hurt, I should've been there to watch. The night I found out, I talked to him, pretend he was right in front of me. I left him 3 voicemails.

The worst part was, she never apologized. She just pretended it never happened, and started helping me out like it never happened.

I don't want problems with her, so I don't mention it. Try to ignore her comments about me not being able to handle having a child on my own. Or the ones about putting him up for adoption. 

She was so kind when I first meet her, but since Adrian died, she has become more hateful. I think she partly blames me for his death. But I need her with me, I don't have my mom here to help figure things out. 

But Dominic's wife has been more helpful than Lisa has. When I do go back down to San Jose, she comes with Dominic and tells somethings I should expect and different things I will need before the baby comes. I liked her, she was kind and understanding of my situation. Even though she had Dominic there through her pregnancies. 

I wish Adrian were here, he should have been here to watch the baby bump slowly form to the big bump I have now. Even now and then when someone I don't know asks me how far along I am or if I know the sex of the baby, I pretend Adrian is still here. Make his death not reality for 5 minutes. 

It helps. Lying to myself and strangers calms the storm in my head, the worry I feel for myself and the baby. 

I didn't grow up with the best family situation, but my baby won't even get to know his father. He will have to live knowing his father died before he even knew I was pregnant. But the baby will have an army of men ready to be his role model. 

Xander even moved back to Northern California so he could have a relationship with his future nephew when his brother couldn't have one. Kai has moved close by to be on call in case I need something, and Atlas has made it clear he is just one call away and Savannah is excited to be an Aunty.

I have so many people here for me, but not the one person I want. Not the one person I need. 

I'm not sure how I'm going to deliver this baby without him. I don't want anyone else in the delivery room besides him. We had talked about it before one night, when we both couldn't sleep.

Adrian just wanted it to be us when I had our children, he wanted it to be a moment just for us to embrace our new child. But I don't know who I want with me now, I don't want Lisa or Kasey, Dominic's wife, in there with me. It's hard to think of someone else when you thought the love of your life, the father of your child would be the one with you. 

Thankfully, I have time to figure that out. For now my worries lie in what I'm going to name my son. 

Looking down at the list of names that I think go with Adrian well, I frown.

Gavin, Blake, Elijah, Keegan, Oliver, Trevor

I need Adrian to give me advice, to tell me which one he likes the best. 

It's only one name, I know the middle will be after Adrian and the baby will take his last name. That was decide after my first ultrasound. The baby to have some connection to Adrian, a connection I won't get. 

I kept looking up the meanings of the names, finding which one connects most to this situation. 

Trevor; of large homestead.

Oliver; The olive tree.

Keegan; One who is small and fiery.

Elijah; Is my god.

Blake; Bright and Shinning.

Gavin; God send.

The name Gavin stood out when I looked up the meanings, the baby is my god send in way. He forced me to take care of myself and plan for the future.

I'll ask Atlas about the name, he knew Adrian since they were kids. He will know what Adrian would think of the name.

"Hey Mama, where you at?" I hear Atlas yell out before walking into the living room. Ever since my bump became very visible he has been calling me that. He looks down at the list in my hands and smiles. 

"Finally narrowed down that name list, huh?" He asks with a big smile, I nod and hand it to him. 

"Good picks, are you ready to head to Cali?" I nod and let him help me off the couch and out of the house. 

Snow is still falling as it has for months, I loved the weather up here. The cool winter air and constant snow are the ground was the change I needed. 

Soon we make to the airport and take a short flight down to San Jose, the warm weather is a change to what I have grown accustomed too. The second we get into the warehouse, the vibe feels off. More tension is in the air than usual.

I walk down the hall to the conference room and find Dominic waiting outside like he always does. But he doesn't smile when he sees me. Just stares at me with a expressionless face. 

"Is everything ok?" I ask, he shakes his head and looks at the closed door. 

"We have the man who shot Adrian and your brother in holding cells down in the basement. Your father and uncle were killed last night, and we have someone who has been waiting a very long time to see you behind this door. And yes, the DNA test came back, Tommy is your brother" Dominic says. 

I blink and process who could be behind the door, my tormentors are dead, Adrian's murder is in our possession, and so is my brother.

"Ok, but who is in there?" I ask. 

Dominic looks down nervously and anywhere but at me, "I think it's better if you just see. And know we will explain everything to you"