All in his head

thirty five

Tate 

Weeks pass in a blur. I find solace in the quietness of the cabin, going over my every memory with Adrian. Trying to piece together how we got to this point. 

I go to the warehouse almost everyday, trying to understand exactly what Adrian did and how I will run his empire. His father and brother came to visit a couple times, never mentioning his death. We simply pretend that he is away on business and I wanted to learn how he does things. 

His allies try their best to keep me apart of the war that has started, but we all know I can't handle the details of what they are doing. All I care about is finding the monster who shot my fiancé, I couldn't give 2 shits about my brother now. I just need to see the murderer and make sure they suffer an even worse fate.

47 days since I felt his touch, looked into his eyes,  and 47 days since we had sex for the last time. 

More than a month later and it still doesn't feel real. 

His mom had called me the day after I got to see him one last night, we cried and talked about our memories of him. We both decided it was best to cremate him, to not let his body sit there with bullet wounds that lead to his death. She didn't want a funeral for him, I had no energy to fight her on it. 

Lisa took his ashes, I didn't try to fight her for them. She is his mother, she deserves to have the last physical piece of him. I have the ring he gave me, the necklace, the fading marks he made on me that last night together. 

Atlas and Kai took me back to the apartment 2 weeks ago. Taking anything else I wanted, anything of his I didn't want donated. 

I got his watch collection moved into a secure storage place, every picture he had in office taken back to the people that were in them. And talked with his lawyer about I wanted to do with all of his assets. 

I decided to keep all of his properties, he only had 4 and I know I will need to see them before even thinking about selling them. And most of the money he had is invested in stocks, but there is enough in his actual account to move me out of San Jose. 

After everything is settled, I'm going to move to his house in Washington. I need a fresh start where there are memories lurking around every corner. I will go insane if I stay here much longer.

I couldn't stop myself from texting Adrian once I got my phone back. Telling him how I was feeling at the moment, sharing memories of us, and making sure he knows how much I love and miss him. 

The grief is starting to catch up too. I feel sick, I get dizzy, and keep throwing up. My body can't handle him being gone. My mind can't process that he is gone. 

Kai or Atlas are always with me, trying to keep me from getting sick. Making sure I don't skip meals or fully fall apart. 

I can tell they are hurting just as bad as me, they were brothers. Anyone could see the bond they had. 

Now I stare at the white tile of the bathroom, hoping I won't get sick again. Atlas walks in and hands me a glass of water. Slowly he sits on the floor next to me and lets me rest my head on his shoulder.

"Tate, can I ask you a personal question?" He ask, I nod and close my eyes. 

"When was the last time you and Adrian had sex and did you use protection?" He asks, my eyes open and look up at him.

He stares down at me with a frown and moves a bag in front of us. I can see the outline of what's inside. It's a pregnancy test.

"The last night he was with me, and I don't think we did." I answer, he sighs and moves his arm around my shoulders. "Why don't you drink the rest of the water and take that test just to be safe."

I nod and slowly drink the water, what if I am pregnant with his child? 

I hope they have his eyes, I need to see his eyes even if they aren't the ones on his face perfect face.

Atlas helps me off the floor and gets the test ready for me before leaving the room and letting me do the test. We wait on the couch once I did what the instructions say. Atlas keeps his arm around me in a brotherly way, giving me his support when the man who should be can't.

The door opens and Kai walks in, his eyes immediately go to the pregnancy test sitting on the coffee table with a napkin covering the part that shows the results.

He frowns and comes to sit next to me, "If you are, we will be with you through it all. You aren't alone, sweetheart" he coos and moves the hair away from my face. I nod and closely watch the timer on the Atlas'  phone. 

30 seconds left.

Part of me wants to be, to have a part of Adrian and be able to hold our child and feel him through them. I want to have a piece of him with me forever, and having his child would do that even if the timing is horrible.

The timer goes off and I quickly pick up the test.

Two small lines.

Pregnant.

Tears slowly roll down my face as I look at the test. 

I'm pregnant with Adrian's child.

I hear Atlas say something about getting me an appointment with an OBGYN and grabbing his phone before leaving the room. Kai rubs my back and stays quiet.

"Do you think Adrian can see us right now?" I ask, "Yeah, I think he has been watching you this whole time. He wouldn't leave you alone" Kai says, I bit my lip and look down at my stomach. I have a piece of him inside of me, growing into the perfect mixture of us.

"What do you think he would say if I told him?" I ask, "He would be excited, he always wanted a family especially with you. He is probably jumping up and down with joy wherever he is." 

I nod and look out the windows. I imagine he is apart of the sea now, his ocean like eyes fit in perfectly with the foamy waves. He was graceful and powerful like the ocean. Adrian is the ocean.

"I wish he was here with me" I say, Kai sighs and looks out the window. "Me too, he should be here with you" 

I look back down at the test and hope he can see me now and know what I'm thinking. I wish I could see his heart stopping smile, the love in his eyes, and hear what he would say to me. He had mention us starting a family a couple time before, but that was supposed to be in our future. 

Not in my now without him. 

But there is no way I will get rid of this child, the last physical piece I will have of him. 

The timing of this can be horrible all day, but Adrian gave me one final piece of him to hold onto forever. I'm an adult, I can manage this. And with Kai and Atlas here, I can do this.

Yet I can help but let the tears water in my eyes, he is supposed to be with me, holding me as we look at the positive test.