Messing Up - JENSOO - english version

KJ 11

This dream was very strange. Extremely weird and crazy. How is my mind playing tricks on me like this?

This dream was composed in two parts, the first one, Chaeng's wearing only my panties and a shirt, we're so close to each other that my heart is pounding so hard. When I try to remember more details, flashes of the two of us together flash through my mind and my body shivers.

The second part is even worse. Jennie is crying and asking me if we were a mistake. I say some things I can't figure out what they were, it's like everything works on automatic and I'm stuck inside my own body saying things I don't know what they mean and I doubt what I mean.

I go to the kitchen for a drink of water. I'm shaking so hard it's like my worst nightmare has come true. I remember Rosé's words and start to shake even more. "We had fun together", no, I didn't. I didn't sleep with Jennie's best friend.

As much as I try to convince myself of it, I can't, something tells me I did it, but if I did, why? Was I such a bitch at this point? Sleeping with Chaeng? There must be some explanation or justification, it MUST be, because if I have really done that, I'll hate myself for the rest of my life. Jennie didn't deserve that sort of thing.

Lisa. Oh my God! Lisa's in love with Chae. I'll hate myself twice as much if this has happened. There's no one I can ask about this except Chaeyoung. I can't keep thinking about it.

"You're not well." Jennie's voice scares me so much that I drop the water glass and my heart is like a runaway train. "Jisoo!" she approaches me and I turn to her.

"Sorry." I reach down to pick up the broken glass and control my breathing.

"Leave it there, I'll organize it here, you're shaking. Did something happen?" She pulls me up and I open my mouth, but not a word comes out. Jennie looks so worried and my heart sinks at the dream I had.

"I'm just nervous about going back to the hospital." I look away and take a deep breath.

"Let's go then. We'll have coffee somewhere and then go to your appointment." I just nod my head when I hear her.

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"How have you been?" Dr. Soojin says.

"I'm having some strange dreams and it's  making me very agitated because I don't know if real."

"Is vivid and intense? Do you feel like you've taken a strong impact?"

"Yes, exactly like that. Today I had one and woke up shaking a lot."

"Because of the emotion?"

"I think so, I don't know anymore." I run my hand through my hair and twirl a strand around my fingers.

"Jisoo, the memory retrieval process is like that. It's intense and can be a little traumatizing, it depends a lot on what you did before you lost your memory and how your psyche was."

"I'm afraid, very afraid to confirm my suspicions." I tap my fingers on the table "If I've done what I dreamed, I'm a horrible person and I should have died in the accident. Maybe this is my purgatory."

"Don't say that, I'm sure your family and friends would be sad to hear you say that."

"My family doesn't care and my friends, well, I don't know." I feel a chill spread through my body when I think about Lisa. "I'm not a good friend."