Give Me More Sunsets

Chapter 25

Idinaan ko sa prosa ang kinikimkim kong saloobin tungkol kay Eli. Kung
bakit sa ikalawang pagkakataon ay hindi pa rin niya ako kayang hintayin. I was disappointed because I was expecting him to do more for me.

/////
I still can’t figure out the reason why do you have to come back again–why do you have to wake those butterflies that became crestfallen for a long time ago.

Why does my heart have to beat again the exact same way it did when we were still together for good years? Why does my whole being felt the love I thought I have already shattered?

Perhaps the heavens finally got an answer to all the prayers I uttered before things between us were ended. I remember pouring out my soul to be guided with all the decisions I had to make and all the steps I had to take. I can still see myself somewhere in my memory. I was in my dusky room, cocooned in blanket and draining my pillow in tears until I became sensible enough to fix the things I ruined– but I never was.

I had fallen into nights and saw mornings that ache. I witnessed sunshines full of questions remained unanswered. Like how should I get things work between us, or what should I do to keep myself still and stay with you. And I had seen a question banging on the walls saying "Why weren’t you strong enough to
do everything you can to keep us?"

I never received something back. It was all just a broken spot, a place of
uncertainty and a cave of never-ending whys...
but then you came to me asking if we could still get us back. Maybe this time, fate and eternity would care to make their way and help us– that’s what I thought.

And I am proven wrong.

For the second time around, you’re not willing to be there until I collect the thoughts I need. For the second time around, you’re still not brave enough to wait for me until I come up with a certain decision. Instead you told me that you are not selfless to do everything you could until you have me back again.

And for the second time around, I heard the things you already have told me before. I guess from now on, there will no longer be a second chance, a second time, a second try or a third, a fourth. This is the last time–

because I am beginning to see things better now. I’m starting to see answers to all the why's.

Last night, I asked God to do something for me. I said that if we’re really meant to be together until the end of our days, then He should make your heart tough and your mind decided to just be still with me.

But you’re not here.
Not here.

I’m far more from being hurt but I’m coming near to being glad...

because even though it’s breaking me once more, even though I’m feeling a different level of pain, I can’t deny the reality.

You’re my answered prayer.
You are not for me.
/////

Ipinost ko sa facebook ang gawa kong ‘yon ay ipinaliwanag kay Mark ang
kahulugan niyon. Sinabi ko ang laman ng mga panalangin ko noong gabing naguguluhan ako kung sino ang pipiliin ko. Pero ang sabi ko sa kaniya, ano man ang mangyari sa aming dalawa, sigurado akong hindi na si Eli.

I bet he was relieved that time because he would finally have a bigger chance to me than before. That it will be up to him how he would take care of that greater chance God let him have.

At masasabi kong napahalagahan niya ang pagkakataong iyon. He never changed. He was still the same as the man I met on the debate over a year ago. He continually sang beautiful songs for me which make my heart dearly happy. The songs that drive me to sleep.

Every night, we’d tell each other our naked truths via phonecalls. Nakuha
ko ang konseptong ‘yon sa isang nobela ni Colleen Hoover kung saan ang mga karakter sa kuwento ay nagbabahagi ng mga “hubad na katotohanan” sa isa’t isa. They tell the truth to each other. The ultimate truth with no brushes of lies.