Give Me More Sunsets

Epilogue

Wala akong ideya kung ano ang isusulat sa bahaging ito ng libro ko. Ang sabi ng isang kaibigan ko na madalas magbiro kung ano raw ba ang tawag sa basang isda, nilalaman daw dapat ng bahaging ito ang mga naganap sa karakter matapos ang kuwento. Alam ko naman ang bagay na 'yon, pero hindi ang bagay na isusulat ko dahil hindi ko alam kung kumusta na ba sila matapos ang dalawang buwan.

Hindi ako active sa instagram at ang huling beses na gumamit ako niyon ay tatlong taon na ang nakararaan, pero isang araw matapos ang lahat sa amin ni Mark ay naisipan kong muling i-download ang app na 'yon.

May ilang mga notifications doon at mensahe ilang taon na ang nakalipas. Pero nang buksan ko ang messages ko, laking gulat ko na mayroon pa lang mga mensahe ro'n si Eli noong 2020. Iyon ang mga panahon kung saan nagtatalo kami ni Mark dahil pakiramdam niya ay si Eli pa rin ang mahal ko, kahit wala naman na siyang ginagawa para maisalba kami. Nang mabasa ko ang mga mensahe ni Eli ay may kung anong kumirot sa puso ko.

"Hey you :) I'll start by stating that I'm such a coward for doing this here. I miss you. So much. If I could just turn back time and go back to that day (when we first and last met), I would never let you go. I would've gone back with you. I don't care if I have nowhere to go. All I know is that I want to be with you. Had I known that was the first and the last time I would ever see you, I would've done way more.

I wanna go back to that day before we met and smack that stupid head of mine. I'd tell him to go first. His org can wait. His friends can wait. They're always there. She would only be with you FOR A DAY. MAKE IT COUNT! But I can't. So here I sit on my bed, a large production at my hands but I'm delaying it. Because I can't stop thinking about you. You were the best thing that's ever happened to me.

I can't stop thinking about your smile, your eyes, your cheeks, your hand I should've held. That embrace that could've been longer. That meal I should've payed for. I know it sounds stupid that I'd do this now. I know it seems really off that this is happening while our world seems to be ending.

I know some people might say I'm just bored and aren't busy enough anymore. They maybe right about the busyness. Maybe I just ran out of distractions. Idk. Don't really care. I miss you. I genuinely miss you. I guess I'm still broken. I'm not saying these so that you'd take me back when, or if you see this, even though I really wish you would, but rather... Idk. I guess it's really just because I'm too much of a coward to do this in a medium you would see.

I'm still broken. I hope the case isn't the same for you. I hope you're well. I hope you're healthy. I hope you don't sleep too late anymore. I hope you eat healthy. I hope you eat, actually. I hope that you're safe."

Nang mabasa ko 'yon ay napabuntong hininga na lang ako at napaisip. I even asked myself what would I've done if I've seen Eli's messages earlier.

But thinking about that did no longer make sense. He's happy now and I don't have any plan to take his happiness away from him. I've caused him a lot of pain and doesn't deserve him anymore. Masaya na si Eli sa girlfriend niya, at masaya na rin ako para sa kanila.

Si Mark, wala akong balita. Ang huling beses na nakausap ko siya ay noong July 16 nang tawagan ko siya sa phonecall.

Kapwa kami umiiyak no'n na dalawa dahil nakaharap kami sa sakit ng paparating naming wakas.

"Please Aira, 'wag mong pababayaan ang sarili mo. Mag-iingat ka palagi. Alagaan mo ang sarili mo."

"'Wag kang mag-alala. Aalagaan ko 'yong sarili ko dahil alam kong hindi mo na kayang gawin 'yon para sa 'kin."

"Sorry. Patawad sa lahat ng sakit na ibinigay ko sa 'yo," tugon niya habang labis ang pag-iyak.

"I'll be okay. Magiging masaya rin ako. And I pray the same thing for you. I pray that you meet your girl someday and by then, I hope you have figured out yourself already para hindi mo na siya masaktan. Don't make her feel the same pain you're making me feel. Ayaw kong madagdagan pa 'yong mga babaeng tulad ko. Na nagtatanong kung saan siya nagkulang. Kung ano 'yong mali. Kung kailan nagsimulang maging mali."

"'Wag mo sanang isipin na ikaw ang may kulang dahil wala. Walang mali sa 'yo. Ako na ang problema rito at hindi ikaw."

Nang sabihin ni Mark iyon sa akin ay hinayaan ko ang sarili ko na umiyak
hanggang sa makaramdam ako ng kaunting pagod. Pagkatapos niyon ay muli akong nagsalita.

"This is the only thing you can do for me. Please, gawin mo 'to. I'll drop this call and I'll count ten seconds. Pagkatapos n'on, tatawagan kita ulit. Kapag tinawagan kita, dapat hindi na mag-ring 'yan. I'll give you ten seconds to block my number."

And that was the hardest and the longest ten seconds of my life. Tinawagan ko siya at hindi na nga nag-ring ang phone niya. Simula noon, hindi ko na siya tinawagan ulit.

Naka-block na ako sa facebook niya at naka-unfriend na rin sa Mama niya. Iyon ang isang bagay na nahirapan din akong tanggapin. I was already attached with his mother and his brother Enzo, and I used to plan about the things I'd do to impress his family. I used to think about the two lit candles I'd show to Mark when I finally said "Yes," in front of our families. Pero ayos na rin iyon. Sa gayong paraan ay mas madali akong makalilimot. O kung hindi man ako makalimot ay tuluyang maghilom.

Maaari kong tawagan si Mark sa phone number niya dahil kabisado ko pa rin iyon kahit burado na, pero masaya ako dahil hindi ko na iyon ginawa ulit. At gagawin pa. Dahil sa wakas ay natuto na 'ko.

Ngayon ay mas alam ko nang pahalagahan ang sarili ko. Alam ko na kung paano ako dapat mahalin nang tama at mabuti.

I deserve to be loved and become the first choice. I deserve to be loved at one shot, without having to give second chances. I deserve to be loved without having to beg for it.

Loving someone is very beautiful, but no one has ever said that it is less beautiful to love yourself. Everybody has to know this.

Napatawad ko na ang sarili ko sa pag-iwan ko kay Eli at napatawad ko na rin si Mark sa pag-iwan niya sa 'kin. Ramdam ko na mas magaan na ngayon ang pakiramdam ko. Masaya na ulit ako, salamat sa Diyos.

It's feels good after forgiving the people who hurt me in the past. It even feels better that I have already forgiven myself.

I learned that forgiveness is not something you do for the people who wronged against you, because it is
something you give yourself in order to move on, grow and start to become the best version of yourself.

I'd be a hypocrite if I say it's easy to forgive, but God's grace has always been enough for me to do good things to people.

And now that I'm doing better than the couple of months ago, I still pray
that God still give me more sunsets to hope again.

It's never too late to ask for more sunsets to trust again. Love again...

and feel the gracious gift of being loved back.