I break down.
"Unni..."
I can't breathe.
"Shhhh... It's okay, Lis. I am right here. I will wait for you till you open up... No rush, Lisa. " She smiled on my shoulders. I could feel her breaths heavier us I hold tighter to her embrace.
Reassurance. Is how I would describe this situation.
It's hard and yet I feel assured. It's terrifying and yet I am calmed.
We held on to the embrace in silence for a couple more minutes before I decided to let go.
It's time.
"Unni... " She grabs my hand and caressed before letting me continue. Jisoo unni, as the oldest, always made us feel safe and secured and if it was not for her, we could have been better off dead by now.
I breathed deeply. This is it. The talk.
"Unni. I..." I could feel my breath wavering and shaking but I have no choice. I have to spit it out before things could go worse.
"Remember the day when I was sent to the hospital because I fainted and Irene and Nayeon unni took me there?"
She nodded hesitantly. We are both looking down to our hands since no one wanted to make eye contacts unless we want to breakdown -- this talk would never continue and no chances of talking about this topic ever again. Our families, our friendship-- we are just too close that it hurts for me to tell her what I am going through because she is like my older sister who always looks after me but I do not ever want her to worry. Seeing her in pain just because I am in pain hurts more than that same pain I am having.
"That same say when we went to eat ramen, when I made excuses to go buy something from the mall, same day I fainted and you were there-- that same day, I found out I had cancer unni... I..."
I paused. I gathered all my courage to lift my face up, hoping she would so we would have an eye contact.
And she did.
"am on stage one and I have only about six months to live if my calculations are correct..."
I smiled.
And her face went grave.
"Who knows?" She finally spoke.
"Jimin... YG... my mom..."
I looked down and fixed my stare to her.
"And now you..."
She sighed.
"Why did you not tell us sooner? Or me? You told YG just today, didn't you? Is that why we are going to Hawaii? Wait, so all along you have been going through this alone? Why, Lisa? Why?"
And that is when my tears fell again. I could feel how hurt unni is. She never cried unless it is about us. She is crying.
"Unni..." My sobs grew louder-- our sobs grew louder.
Just hopefully the other will not hear.
"I am sorry." I whispered.
Then she held me close to her and embraced me.
It's painful.
This hug, this moment, and the way we are dealing this right now. I can not put to words how grateful I am for unni-- for taking care of all of us-- of me. She always checks up on us and never disappoints us with her jokes. The others would say I am the happy pill but to me, unni is the happy pill. She takes care of nini, rosie, red velvet and twice when she is the last person to have met us. She does not mind other stuff, she forgives us when we do something wrong, she stays strong for others when she is struggling herself. She is so selfless that she worries me.
But now, I am the one worrying her.
-
3rd Person
"Want to continue now?" the oldest asked.
After a long crying session of silent sobs here and there, they finally decided to calm down first to make things easier. They decided to sit beside each other on the floor, against the wall so they won't be facing each other. As the oldest and the youngest, it may seem like they would have a deeper emotional interaction compared to others. Though, they are all the same, Lisa and Jisoo are just so similar that their feelings would affect one another so easily.
And the only thing they want to do for each other now is-- staying strong.
They decided to go through this talk with all seriousness, but avoiding heavy feelings.
Lisa nodded.
"Unni... I have diagnosed for 3 years actually before I found out about it just last year. I always felt tired and my leg would always feel pain. At start though, I only felt pain on one side but now, both are killing me."
The youngest looked down on the floor and mentally giggled on the last sentence.
Kill- a strong word but realistic. For a matter of fact, she is dying.
"Like what I said when I was first hospitalized after I found out-- my father left us for another woman. He slapped me on that same day I found out about my cancer-- after finding out I had only two years to live which has turned to six months now. I mean what else could go wrong, unni? I had the best time spending with all of you and I appreciate that. "
She looked at the person next to her and smiled. Jisoo showed no emotion-- her face was blank but inside, she was still crying. She was speechless.
"I started having more stress since then. Memory loss, leg pain, having to take so many pills a day, using pain reliever-- Jimin said it was not just any bone cancer-- in fact, only 5.4% of the world population could get this-- funny enough, it turns out I am one of them. He did not specify any names because he said he will be handling the stuff for me. I mean, as a patient, I should know but I said I didn't want to know so here I am sucking it all up and smiling as if everything about this is a lie."
She paused.
"I did not want to tell you guys because I do not want to worry anyone further. It is my condition after all... "
All Jisoo could respond with-- was a sigh.
