Love & Legacy (Zhanyi)

35. Will Zhan go?

If only Yibo had turned back once on that day, he would have seen the way the officer broke seeing the prince go away from him. If Zhan said that he didn't selfishly pray for the prince to return to him again, it would definitely be a lie. Because he did. Zhan did wish for a miracle that would somehow stop the prince from leaving. Just like the times from before. But it looked as if he had already used up all his luck previously, that he was no longer left with any. And the miracle he hoped for desperately than anything he ever wished for didn't come true when he was really in need of it. So all he could hope was that being away from him could help the prince forget about him as he advised. Yet, deep in his heart, he knew he was wrong. He knew that forgetting Yibo would be the last thing Zhan would ever wish for. Because though the memory of the prince brought chaos in his heart it was also the only thing that could soothe his soul.

If leaving was difficult, who said that letting go was any easy. Each tear the prince shed that day had hurt Zhan more than all the wounds he had received in his life. That the officer felt that even if all of his sufferings were imposed on him at once. It couldn't even be compared to the heartache he felt at that moment. Physical afflictions are easy to overcome however emotional afflictions are difficult to put an end to. If seeing the person you love, confesses their feelings to you is the most fascinating experience. Then what is called when you have to reject that very person, break his heart mercilessly, act as if you don't care when he is the only one you care for?

At least the prince had the reason to despise the officer for what he did. As for Zhan, there was nothing he could do, no one he could put the blame on, except for himself. He couldn't even blame the loushi. Because those words were nothing but the silent whispers in his mind. Which he never dared to voice out. So when the loushi voiced all his insecurities, he could only accept them. The prince deserved someone much better than him he concluded. Though it hurt, he couldn't bring himself to think that what he did was wrong. And if what he did was the right thing, then why was he hurting this bad? He had no answers. All the questions in his mind didn't seem to get him anywhere.

It's easy to say that there could have been another way, one should have tried harder but no one can know what really could be done until they themselves are in it. Though the officer has always been a fighter, he never learned to fight for himself, his happiness. Zhan has always believed that he could never be happy in his life. After everything, he had been through he gave up the hope of living a normal life. It was as if he just stopped looking for happiness. But who would have thought that the happiness itself would come and find him in the form of Yibo? And his wandering heart could finally find a home, where he felt belonged.Though he is a strong, stoic, arrogant officer in everone's eyes in reality he was nothing but just a scared little child who was still waiting in the deseted island to be saved. And the day he met Yibo, the prince didn't just meet the officer but also the terrified child in him. He brought out the emotions Zhan wanted to conceal, he gave the officer the happiness he didn't ask for. When the prince was still in his life, Zhan did feel as if he could still be happy despite every bad thing. As if he could do anything and everything. As if he was at the top of the world and even the stars themselves were within his grasp. But now without the prince even getting through a day seemed to get intricate. Yet, he couldn't let out a sound about it. After all, it was he himself who caused it. Hence he could only grieve by himself.