We're Trying

Spectrum meeting

Ella

Jess went to some party tonight and mom asked if she could take me but I objected because just like mom and dad I have plans. Plans that cost me a $23 uber just for him to drop me off 3 minutes away. It doesn't matter though because after walking as fast I I get to the community center where mom and dads car is parked in front. Theres nobody out front meaning the meeting already started which is good because it makes it way easier to snoop.

I walk up the steps and into the center and for a moment I swear someone is following me. But just like my dad tells me when im having a fit it's all in my head. Keeping this thought in mind I walk until I reach room 97 where the door reads "Parents on the spectrum." Like I've been doing for the past weeks I stand by the farthest window in the corner where I have a perfect view of my parents sitting side by side, my dads hand on my mom's knee like they're going through something extremely hard. They're not, they're just shit talking about me. If there goal is to make me feel normal maybe they shouldn't go to meetings that are meant to make me feel like some coke addict.

Just like I expected a woman drags on about how her 8 year old son can't go to school anymore and my mom consoles her like she's the expert on autism. But like the past three weeks I've been here in order to console the other parents she needs to talk about my darkest moments. I get closer to the window as she speaks, "My daughter started screaming when I didn't let her sleepver at this girls house, she was 9, and I remember all the parents looking so confused for the rest of the school year." Mom stops and dad looks at her with a somber expression. Please don't cry, I hate when my dad cries, it doesn't happen often, but still I hate it. And getting back to the reason I'm here I would never go to a "kids on the spectrum," meeting and tell them about all times my dad cried. Also I remember that sleepover and I was the only one who couldn't sleep over and even though it was 8 years ago it still wasn't fair.

I'm in the zone listening to my parents I don't even notice the guy sitting next to dad is the guy from the fried chicken stand at the fair and the one who was in the front of the school. I knew I wasn't tripping. Unlike all the other parents though he doesn't say a word and just sits there with his arms crossed. I've been so focused on my parents and why there here It didn't even hit me that if this man is here the girl Jess is talking to Rose is like me.

Rose

For the past days Jess and I have been texting about little shit here and there. I know her birthday is in two weeks. She has a twin names Ella who I've actaully seen around school and admired how well she does her makeup. So far Jess knows I think Flower boy Is Tyler's best album and that I would do anything in the world for Syd from the internet to kiss me after singing Hold on. I probably should've kept that one to myself but it was late last night and I wanted to keep the conversation interesting. Lucky for me she didn't call me a weirdo and instead told me she's going to Devon's party tonight which is why Hanna and I are standing in front of Devon's house doing breath checks as Young Nudy's "Hell Shell," blares loudly.

As Hanna blows a bunch of hot hair that I'm glad smells like mint in my face a snapchat notification pops up on her phone.

"Whos that?" I ask and we begin making our way over to Devon's house that has those modern see through windows where you can see people moving around and dancing to music.

"Nothing," Hanna says and pockets her phone in her purse.

I stop in my tracks and Hanna follows suit. I give her that look my mom used to give me when I used to sneak her mint ice cream after dinner. Hanna lets out the same puff she did when we got caught selling candy. "I left my fake at Chad's and I'm trying to get it back."

"Maybe you know when you keep on losing it's a sign that you need to let it go."

"And get caught for underage drinking?" Hanna laughs.

"Or not drink at all." The second the words leave my mouth the elephant in the room basically slaps Hanna across the face with its tail and she looks back at the house. Change the subject Rose. It's a Friday night. One day we're going to have to talk about it, or maybe not maybe we just leave it be or maybe there's nothing at all and I just need to worry about how I'm going to control the butterflies in my in my stomach and down there when I see Jess.

Jess

When Rose walked into the house with her friend who was focused on her phone I wish I could say she was the only person I could look at, but I can't because Devon's girlfriend or about to be ex girlfriend Mia is talking my head off. We're standing in the dining room by the drinks and I don't even remember when she approached me but I wished I walked away.

"Like he thinks he's so cool, but he's not and when I put him on to Cupccake he didn't say it but he basically said my music taste is trash. He's just such a dude." Mia downs whatever is in her cup and I nod while trying to locate Rose. Living with Ella taught me that sometimes you just have to nod and pretend your listening. And also worry if the person should really be on their next drink and or shit talking the owner of the house we're in.

Mia continues to talk as I spot Rose across the house in the living room dancing to "Pon de replay," with her friend. Mia starts singing the lyrcis before she goes back to her rant about Devon who is god knows where. "You know maybe I should just give up on guys you know like the weekend says, be into girls and keep your heart safe."

Now I stop nodding and realize she's not just talking and this time actually waiting for my response. "Trust me girls are just as complicated," I say and take a sip of my lemonade.

"Are they?" Rose's voice blares and she looks me up and down while standing behind Mia.

"Some of them," I say and Mia looks from me to Rose. She doesn't get the hint to leave though.

"What about you?" Rose asks and my eyes drop right to her lips.

"What about me?"

"Are you complicated?" That question definitely wasn't on the class question sheet.

I look eyes with Rose and try my hardest not to smile. I should've spoke sooner because Mia finishes her drink and starts talking, this time not about Devon. "Jess? Complicated? She literally is the most chill person on the planet its like she doesn't have any emotions, except in freshmen year when I told her I was straight and I could've swore she was about to cry." Mia laughs and my erge to smile has completely dissapeared. Rose sort of just looks at me until Mia finally walks off over to Hanna who also seems buzzed.

"Sorry about that," I mumble and take a step closer to Rose.

"Don't be," Rose says and just like I thought would happen she's the only person in the room I'm focused on. "So is what she said true?"

I run my hands through my curls and pull the hair tie off my wrist. Slowly I place it on Roses's wrist and say, "I think you should find out for yourself." She looks up at me and I take a step back, that was probably stupid to say. "I mean only if you want to."

Rose nods and fiddles with the hair tie. "I want to but I like people with emotions."

"I have emotions," I affirm without adding the I just never express them part.