We're Trying

Not ready

Jess
I'm skating in the park of the school thinking about my bullshit college applications. I tried my best but I just know that essay about skating was trash. But Rose cheered me on. She said it was a great story and that any college would be lucky to have me. Looking at her and her smile, it seemed true then but when I spend hours overthinking it my mind changes. I wish I had as much faith in myself as Rose does.

"Jess," someone calls.

I look up. I'm at the far end of the park close to the dumpsters and porter potties. Everyone else is clustered in the group. I didn't even notice. I search the group and see Aidan skating towards me. He's getting the hang of it. He can't do tricks but he can stay on the board and I guess that's what matters. He jumps off the board and runs towards me.

"Yo Umm I think I'm going to tell them," he says.

I'm about to say tell who what but then I remember. I don't even think it's that I forgot I just don't put a big "this person is gay," label in my mind. He's just Aidan. I know for some people come out and their sexuality is the only thing people see about them. It happened to Mia and me in 8th grade.

"Cool," I say. I don't know what else I'm supposed to say.

"Devon said you were just always gay and you didn't come out or tell anyone."

I remember that conversation at the skate park. I nod. "Yup."

"That must be nice." Aidan looks down at the graffiti on the concrete.

I stand on my board. "Not really."

I should've just shut up because now Aidan is looking at me with wide eyes wanting me to explain. Something I don't explain to anyone. I don't look at him and instead down at my shoes. "It's annoying when everyone thinks they know you and you don't even know you if that makes sense."

Aidan nods. He looks just as nervous as he did when he told me. "So do you think they'll be fine with it Or.." he stops, he can't even say the other option.

I look back and Devon and the guys who are all watching Leo do a 360 flip. I smile. "I think they will." I mean if they don't, they're not my friends. And also if they don't what does that say about me? I've been hanging out with people who are homophobic for like 4 years. I'm scared for Aidan, and I know it's selfish, but I'm scared he's going to uncover something about my friends that I didn't even think was there.

Jamari
I'm on the couch working on some stupid presentation for economics when Caleb comes through the door. He's not wearing his footlocker uniform and instead a plain white button-down shirt and clean black pants I didn't know he owned. In his hand, he carries a plastic container filled to the brim with food and I know exactly where he's been. Unbelievable.

"Where were you?" I ask closing my laptop.

He smirks and I want to slap it off of his face. "None of your business."

He has an extra amount of pep in his step as he goes to the kitchen. "You've got to be kidding me." I look inside the container as he searches the fridge. Potatoes, veggies, traces of black beans. Mom's chicken curry. I've done everything I'm supposed to but Caleb's ass gets to come to dinner? He's the one fucking Hanna!

Caleb lifts the container and looks at me. "This is all mine so I hope you have something for dinner. Maybe I'll just let you have the little green beans." He laughs and pushes the container to the back of the fridge.

"So if you were with mom, you told her you were with Hanna right?"

He crosses his arms. Still smirking. 

I stand up. "I don't care if you eating each other's shit you told her so she knows I'm not the fuckup here."

Caleb looks at the ceiling fan. "Well let's see that might of slipped my mind."

"Your such a piece of shit."

This doesn't change Caleb's happy demeanor nothing can phase Caleb. People advise on how to unapologetically be yourself and it seems only terrible people are the ones listening to it. "But mom did say she would love for you to come to family dinner on Sunday."

All the anger I had for Caleb begins to falter. "Seriously?" I've been calling her, emailing her, trying to tell her to give me a second chance and tell them I didn't lie, but I get nothing. I drove past the house after my shifts and sometimes just waited for her to come outside looking for me or wondering why I wasn't at the dinner table. I miss her and Camille so much, and I hate that I have to rely on Caleb for information about them.

Caleb puts his hands in his pockets. I'm waiting for him to say sike, I lied, mom never wants to see you again. I'm waiting for Caleb to give me a reason to unleash all the anger I've had pent up over the last few years. But he doesn't. His voice seems genuine like it's coming from a good person. "I wouldn't lie about that man, she says to come at 6 on the dot. Jerk chicken is going to be on the menu."

For a second I want to hug Caleb but I just sit back down on the couch. I wish I could get that year of my life back and replace it with dinners with Camille and mom. I've missed her cooking so much. Caleb is going to have to put a lock on that fridge if he thinks I'm not going to at least take a potato.

Ella
I applied to Spellman, Morehouse, NYU, Tische, UCLA, CSUN, UCR, UCSD, and USCB. I told my parents about Spellman and dad just looked at his plate. He said, "I hope you get into UCLA." At this point, I don't even want to get into Spellman or Morehouse because I don't want to argue. I don't want him yelling at me, telling me I'm not ready while mom just sits there. The worst part about these arguments is that there all based on some truth. It's not easy for me to meet new people, I get attached to things easily, I'm over-emotional about small things, and I'm not like everyone else. Dad tells me he wants me to go to an instate school because of cheaper tuition but I know that's not the case. I could get a full-ride scholarship to Morehouse and he would still want me to go to UCLA because it's 20 minutes away. He thinks I'm going to fail. He thinks I can't handle it, and every time he expresses these worries I absorb them.

Dad calls us for dinner and we sit in our spots. Big boi sits at my feet waiting for me to drop food. He's kind of like dad in a way, he doesn't think I can do things right. Dad asks the usual questions about how is school going and Jess shrugs.

I eat some of my pasta and then think about the past week. I think about Jamari. "I have a boyfriend," I say.

The fork clinking stops and even Big Boi looks stunned.

Mom is about to speak and I know it's going to be something sweet because of her smile, but dad cuts her off. "We need to meet this boy before you can call him your boyfriend."

"Well, I already called him my boyfriend so it's too late." Jess grins but when dad turns her way she looks down at her food.

"You're not ready to have a boyfriend," he says. So expected.

Jess lets out a loud sigh. Dad scrunches his brows and mom eats a forkful of pasta.

"Do you have something to say, Jess?" Dad asks.

Jess looks right at dad. "Yes, Ella is 18 she's not a fucking baby you keep in a cage. It's always you're not ready you're not ready.  She has a boyfriend, it's normal teenager shit. Maybe you're the one whose not ready." Big boi barks in support. Jess sits back and takes a huge bite of her pasta.

When she s done chewing she looks sternly at dad. "Also you don't know how to cook pasta. You're not ready to make dinner."

Mom pouts. "I made this."

Jess goes in for another bite. "Oh."

Mom leans into the table. "So what's this boyfriend like?" For the rest of dinner, dad stays silent and I tell them about Jamari. I don't think dad is really listening, he's just staring at Jess in astonishment, but as long as he's quiet I'm fine.