We're Trying

The Deal

Rose
One thing I don't like about senior year compared to my other years of highschool is how they try to decorate it with a bunch of activities while we sit with a bunch of work. That's why I didn't care for homecoming or the football games because I really don't have time to care when my teachers are living up to their "this class is going to be a lot," speech." Right now I'm walking to the school with tired eyes after studying for my economics exam all through the drive here. I re read all my notes and had my dad quiz me while he rapped to the Benny the Butcher album.

Hanna comes up to me in her usual pajama pants outfit. "Someone's tired?" She asks.

"You forgot about the economics exam didn't you?"

Hanna shrugs like she forgot her lip gloss.

"Hanna," I say with a side eye. We walk into the school gates and go into the direction of my locker.

"I made out with Caleb," she says proudly. The words make me shiver thinking about my beautiful friend settling for someone who would not blink twice at sleeping with their brother's ex girlfriend. It sounds cheesy but I wish she would see her how I saw her and then maybe then she would hit her vape less and know that she deserves the world and that includes someone better than Caleb. But I guess it's a lot to ask someone to change their whole view of themselves, when its been this way since the start of high school.

"Please tell me something else more eventful happened like you discovered a new hairstyle."

I don't think Hanna even hears me as she smiles brightly. "What? Caleb is hot and he has a job and-"
Hanna's voice trails off and she stops walking. I stop with her and look ahead at Ella and Jess approaching us. What did they do? Especially Jess who has been the best part of school lately.

"He follows her," she says looking at Ella in her half up half down hairstyle. I don't know what she's seeing but when I see Ella I'm thinking about Jess and how she trusted me with that secret. I also admire her for being such a good sister. Even seeing them walk now, I see Jess stand close to Ella and stare down any of the guys who look Ella's fitted leggings.

I think she's talking about Caleb but obviously she's not. "He follows 120 people," I say remembering the last time I handed Hanna my Instagram. I've only done it twice and each time I wanted to punch myself for letting her stoop so low.

"Right," Hanna nods and we continue walking. "She's still a weirdo though."

Just like Jess I feel somewhat protective of Ella even between my best friend since elementary school. "Don't be bitter, she's not."

"What are you and Jamari both trying to fuck her now?" Who knew wanting to fuck someone was the only reason to show a person human decency.

A smile comes over my face. "No but I am trying to do that with her sister." Ewww Rose, if you don't shut the fuck up.

At least what I said brings a genuine smile to Hanna's face before she says bye and heads over to the girls bathroom. I try not to notice like I do all the time and have been doing since maybe 9th grade, but she walks up to a guy who would get thrown out of school and California if someone searched through his locker.

Jess
I told Ella that I told Rose which was a big mistake because now we're walking up to her and Ella has her journal laid out with a plan she wouldn't tell me about. That's what it starts with with Ella, a plan she writes neatly in her bullet journal and does about three drafts. Whatever this plan is since we've gotten to school I've been trying to get her to tell me but she just shakes her head and says, "you will see in the near future." That's what she said when she made a plan to get dad to talk to her about the big incident we never talk about. When she got out of Juvy, he wouldn't say a word, and there really wasn't much to say but somehow with her plan she got him to talk in three weeks. It was just about sports but it was still progress.

"You know I like Rose right?" I say as we get closer to Rose and her friend who I think is always high.

"Yes, I do, you kind of blush when you see her which says a lot because our melanin prevents the pink pigment from being so seen." Translation: You're black as hell but you can see a little pink when Rose comes around. I didn't know it but I guess she's right. She's almost right about everything. Ella looks at me and then quickly back at Rose. "See it's happening now?"

I don't get to respond before Rose's friend is gone and Ella and I are standing in front of her while she puts stuff in her locker. I'm not even thinking about Ella and just looking at Rose whose as always fine as hell. 12 year old me would kill me for saying this but she's finer than Kehlani and Zendaya, combined.

Rose doesn't even get to say hey before Ella opens up her notebook and begins speaking. "Rose it has come to my attention that Jess has told you about my condition and I would like to offer a proposal. It's not really a proposal but I think it would be helpful."

Rose smiles brightly and looks at me. "Okay." That's what I like about Rose even if what Ella is about to say maybe the craziest thing, she's making her feel heard even when Ella is just staring at her notebook and not even looking up.

"From a source I won't name it has come to my attention that your sister is also on the spectrum and I would like to meet her and babysit her for free to heal my inner autistic child and help her with anything she needs. Of course you can decline if you want to and that won't be a problem but I will hold a grudge against you and never forget it." FUCK. I'd never say this to anyone but I'm not as good a person as Rose and sometimes I just want to tape Ella's mouth shut or just give her the social cues she's lacking.

"I'm sorry," I mouth as Rose stands there digesting everything.

"Umm," is all she gets out first before Ella hands over her journal. She doesn't do that with anyone. Her journal and her string are sacred things to her.

"You don't have to accept it or I'm sorry," I say unsure what to exactly say in this moment.

Ella looks at me and she has the same look she had when her and mom were fighting years ago. Sometimes I wish there was just something to do that would make everyone happy and settle every situation.

Rose hands the journal over and I didn't notice it but my teeth are shattering just like when I'm about to give a presentation. "My sister doesn't have autism she just has a speech delay." I can't even look at Rose and Ella and I look around the school. From the corner of my eye I see Rose's friend staring at us.

Ella takes a breath. "I don't think that's true."

"Ella," I say not too loudly and watch Rose scrunch her face. I know nothing about speech delay or autism really but I do know when Ella has gone too far.

"I'm sorry I can't accept this deal Ella, I would love for you to babysit but you don't know Lili, and I think you need to heal your inner child on your own." She says it so smoothly it doesn't even sound like a no.

But of course Ella sees through that. "Well then," Ella stops and looks at me. Just as she does the bell rings and like every other time she balls her fist and digs her nails in her palm. "You can't see Jess anymore!" She shouts. I so wish she's kidding but seeing her eyes and the way she's focused on Rose, I know she's not.

The halls start flooding with everyone and Ella forcefully walks down to her class. I stuff my hands in my pockets trying to find the right words to say. Maybe there is none, maybe I should just kiss her. No that won't solve anything. "I'm I don't know what to say," I say heading behind Ella in the crowd of everyone. I don't  think she can hear me but I say, "we can talk about this later I guess." I just want to make sure she knows I want to see her but I do have to stick by my sister but I also just wish everything was chill and normal like last year.