We're Trying

I'm Sorry

Rose

Liliana sits in her sofia the first swimsuit pointing at the seagals that fly above her and over the sea. About every five minutes she pushes her sunglasses and looks at me and the cover of my book. Today on Zuma beach, it's Beloved and when the seagals aren't playing in the skye Liliana runs her fingers over the letters on the front pages. When I get to reading about fifteen pages in Lili abandons her plastic toys and wraps her arms around my neck, facing away from the environment I thought would be better than staying at home while dad is working. She rests against my Sade graphic tee and doesn't lift her head of three poofs until my phone buzzes. I pray to the hot Los Angeles sky its Jess, but it's Hanna. I've been dodging her calls since the start of thanksgiving break and a pang of guilt hits my stomach each time.

Lili must think otherwise about Hanna and that time she banged a toy on her head because she presses the green button before she goes back to playing with her group of hair ties.

Hanna's voice comes out shaky and unsure once I put the phone to my ear. It's like she may be confessing another fuck up. "I'm by the green bikes," she says.

Lili crawls off my lap and back to her corner of our towel. Hannah speaks again. "I'm at Zuma."

I turn around and look at all the famalies covering the sand with their sunscreen and umbrellas. "What the fuck," I mumble. Lili turns around and puts her finger to her lips. She's about to pick up her plastic shovel but she looks behind me with widened eyes. I already know who it is and I watch her flop down in the sand away from the extra space on our beach towel. She's wearing a wilshire track shirt from when we both tried track in 8th grade.

Just like when she was fighting Ella she doesn't look like my bestfriend, but a stranger with a bruise on her nose. Jess did her thing with that punch.

For a moment we listen to the waves and the kids running back and forth from the cold water to the hot sand. "Your dad told me you were here," she says. Fucking backstabber.

I don't know what to say so I just sit up straight and face her, she's the one who should be talking anyway. She gets this and plays with her fingers that don't have any nails. "Rose we've been friends for years you can't just throw this shit away."

I run my fingers over the light brown pages of my book, "You're not the same person Hanna."

"We met when we were kids of course I'm not the same person." She's right.

"Well you're not the person I thought you would be." I can't meet her eyes when I say this.

I feel her move closer to me, almost on my towel. "Well maybe you don't know me Rose, because I've always been a fuck up, okay." I look up at her and see a tear fall down her face. Liliana crawls to the edge of the towel and offers her a rubber band.

"I thought you would grow out of it Hanna, I thought you would become a better person just some day, we're seventeen, I was waiting for you to take responsibility and start acting seventeen." My voice raises and Lili takes the band out of Hanna's palm and places it in mine.

"You think you're so perfect Rose, you didn't tell me not to tell anyone about her having autism."

"Well I thought you were a good person." The memory of her finger in Jess's face comes back and sets a fire in my stomach, one that Lili can't put out by handing me one of her bands.

The sunburnt white family not too far from us sends us looks when they should be making sure they don't get molenoma.

Under the hot sun and seagals flinging this way and that way Hanna breaks. She moves from her spot in the sand and onto our towel. She drops her head in my lap and tears spill out of her eyes. Her hand grips my jean shorts and I don't know what's happening. Lili doesn't either and takes the band out of my hand. Hanna cries more. "I'm sorry Rose, please don't leave me, please you're the only person I have, I'm sorry I said that to Ella, but I'm really sorry, I'll stop the drugs, I promise, I'll do anything." She cries until part of my shorts are damp and I didn't notice but I'm stroking her curls. She's become a baby, so much so, Liliana stares at me wondering why she's not in my lap. I had so much I wanted to say to Hanna, so many angry texts I deleted when she blew up my phone, so many think pieces I came up with while writing the last of my college essays, but I don't say any of it. I know Liliana wants to force the big girl out of my lap and have her turn, but she just sits there, looking at the ocean. She drops three more pink hair ties on Hanna's head. She doesn't cry for them back, and instead lets Hanna walk away with them on her wrists.

Hanna

Since I've been back at school I've been getting looks here and there, all except the people I want to speak to. I didn't think I was that desperate to call Jamari on my mom's phone, but I couldn't help it. I know he didn't say anything important, but it was nice hearing his voice outside of my head and in our memories. In fourth period, I can't stand the looks and people notcing the bruising on my nose so I take one of my long bathroom breaks. A guy who was just about to raise his hands sighs, but I don't care. I carry the large pass into the bathroom but stop at the door. Standing at the sink is Jess washing her hands. The several rings on her fingers glisten under the water.

"Aren't you supposed to take your rings off when you wash your hands," I say.

She turns the faucet off and turns to look at me. She looks me up and down. "Ella says according to healthcare proffessionals taking off your rings is just making your hands dirty." She starts drying her hands. "Plus I have quality rings." I know she's not lying there, I felt half of them against my nose when she knocked me out.

We move past eachother but I stop walking when I reach the stalls. Jess keeps walking to the door. "Wait look, don't punish Rose, for what happened, she barely told me I just kind of figured it out cause-

Jess crosses her arms and her nostrils flare. I think I'm about to get dragged again. "Cause what?" she says.

This really is the least I can do. Rose still isn't speaking to me, we just sort of pass by each other in the halls. But I've seen her look at Jess and I can tell they're not back on good terms. And I liked the way Rose glowed when just the thought of Jess entered her brain. "Look just can you get back with Rose, if she didn't tell me the secret than I don't see the problem, plus is it really a-" I stop rambling as Jess looks more and more heated.

Jess starts walking but more words fly out of my mouth. "Look, I think it's cool you stood up for your twin, I thought you were just someone who let things pass them by, but you're not you stand for something and I think thats pretty cool." I like my sister Alexis, but I don't think I would fight for her, when I think about it the only person that comes to mind is Rose.

Jess nods and takes three steps . She bumps chest to chest into a girl whose name I don't remember. She's smiles brightly at Jess ignoring me. "I saw you and Claire the other day, shit was so cute." Jess doesn't say a word but she looks at me with her mouth agape. She pushes past the girl and out of the bathroom. I know Claire, and now I sort of know Jess, and seeing them together in my mind makes me uncomfortable. Claire probably forced her to do a tiktok and Jess just stood there wondering what the hell she was doing.