We're Trying

Treehouse

Ella
Ever since I gave Jamari back his chip we've been cool just sitting in silence during class and he's resorted to just asking the person behind me for answers. I don't know why but I kind of miss him bugging me even though I'm still holding my grudge. Although I did call him fine so maybe I'm not, but then again you can still hold a grudge against someone and think they're attractive. There are times where I catch Jamari looking at me but I try to tell myself he's looking at the people on the other side of me or just thinking and not paying attention to where his eyes land. Today is one of those times and this time I'm actually pretty sure he is looking at me because I've been in my head fiddling with a piece of string and thinking about what my life is going to be a year from now in college and probably without Jess looking after me.

I feel his eyes on me and I say, "Hi," but keep my eyes on my paper and my string.

Jamari laughs a little and leans in to me. I can't pin what he smells like but it's good as hell. Maybe it's whatever curl butter he uses in his fro. "We're 20 minutes into class and now you're saying hi."

"Yes," I mumble and continue twirling the string between my hands.

"You scared of me now that I told you I've been to juvy?" He asks jokingly and at this I turn my head and look at him.

"No."

Jamari nods. "Okay," he whispers and goes back to the questions we're supposed to be answering before we have to share them out loud. I've already finished mine and this is why I just go back to playing with my string and trying not to make that weird scrunched face Jess says I make when I'm deep into my thoughts.

When it's share our time Devon shares his answers and I kind of want to punch him in the face for how he treated Jess but instead I just continue playing with my string and thinking about what life would be like in a dorm with communal showers.

I don't stop until Ms. Reyes looks directly at me as I twirl my string, and says, "please put that distraction away?" This bitch, it's literally a string. The girl behind me has a whole hair salon going on.

"Why?" I say and just like last time all eyes are on me. Specifically Devon who has a smirk. He has nothing to smirk about considering he split with his girlfriend over the stupid shit Jess told me about last night.

Why do I always pick the worst times to stay quiet. I was for real non verbal until I was about two years old and now I decide to open my mouth and get all the attention put on me. Ms. Reyes crosses her arms. "Because it's a distraction to the learning of you and everyone else." She says it like she's reading a handbook.

I think I'm going to have to fight this battle alone but Jamari interjects. "Is it though?" He seems so chill about it while Ms. Reyes and I look like we're about to fight. "Like how does her playing with a string affect everyone?" Jamari slouches back a little bit like he's waiting for Ms. Reyes to actually give one of her handbook answers. I was actually kind of nervous when he spoke because I've been thinking about if he sees me different now that I told him I have autism. Just like he thought I was scared of him I thought he might be a little scared of me. I've been playing with string since elementary school and teachers would always take it away to the point I would go in the class at recess and take it back. The weird thing is that in all these years this is the first time someone else has said something.

Ms. Reyes doesn't say anything else and continues calling on people for answers while my string stays In my hands. When I walk out of class I make sure to mouth "thank you," at Jamari who says "no problem shorty," before leaving the hall. I kind of want to tell him something else but I don't want him to be scared of me like I know others have been.