We're Trying

Lets Skate

Flashback (Jess.)
"He's so hot," Mia said turning to Jess. They stood by the basketball courts during lunch watching the group of boys who were deemed the popular boys. Jess chewed her pop tart and look at the boy Mia was talking about. It was one of those tall white boys who played soccer and loved lil uzi vert. "I guess," she lied but really all she wanted to do was get rid of the deep feeling inside of her that had been telling her she was different. She didn't want to look at any of the boys but she liked watching the girls in the tv shows Ella watched. Really she knew she just wished it didn't make her feel so dirty, so not like a girl. When she got home she went on her laptop and gooogled the site she heard of from multiple boys. Under her covers she clicked on the site and her eyes widened at the sight of a woman sucking of a man. She slammed her laptop down and went to bed feeling even more dirty than she did before.

Jess
I wake up in the middle of the night with a urge to get up and do something. Ever since I ended things with Rose without really I've just been doing the bare minimum. If I had a choice I would just stay at home and sleep all day like I did during my suspension. But now I want to do anything but sleep. Maybe it's because Ella detangled and braided my hair or maybe it's because I haven't skated in a minute but i know I'm not going to make it through this night forcing myself to sleep. I go through our curtain and tap Ella on the shoulder. Just like the light sleeper she is, she jumps up and looks at me.

"You wanna go and skate?" I ask. Ella looks at her phone and frowns.

"It's 3am," she whines. Meaning in just two hours she's going to force herself to get up and work out.

"I know but do you want to skate or go outside or something?"

"No," Ella says and turns over on her side. I go back to my bed and I hear Ella mumble "ask Devon." Devon is who I would usually skate at 3am with.

"He hates me," I whisper.

"No he doesn't," Ella says more irritated.

I don't know what she means by that but I throw on my converse and a hoodie. I grab my skateboard and key, and try my best not to make any noise. It's Friday or really Saturday anyway, kids are out at parties and getting drunk, I can skate. I skate over to Devon's and throw a stone at the window. Seconds later he opens it.

"You want to skate?" I ask.

He picks up his board and shows me and it reminds me of old times before all the bullshit happened. Devon comes out of his house in the same attire as me and without a word we skate in the direction of the skatepark. The only lights are from liqour stores, porch lights, and store signs. When we arrive at the skate park some of the boys are smoking weed but Devon skates past them and I follow. We do some tricks for about 15 minutes before Devon sits down and I join him.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you about my crush on Mia," I say.

"I don't care anymore," he mumbles.

"Are you guys back together?"

"Something like that." He huffs and takes a few hits of his Juul. "You still with that ol Rose girl?"

"Not really," I say. I've been trying to get the whole thing out of my head. I thought I could trust her and she just told her friend and every time I think about it my stomach gets tight. It should all be simple. I trust you, you know that, you don't betray my trust, and everything is good.

"We're y'all like together?"

"Can we talk about something else, like you having Fucking Aidan spy on me."

Devon laughs and I scold him. " I didn't have him do shit, he did that all on his own."

"That boy is weird."

"He asked me if I knew how you knew you were a lesbian."

"And what did you say?"

Devon burst into laughter again. "I said I don't fucking know, you were just always gay."

I laugh but then I think back to middle school and those days where I was so confused. "Do you want to know?" I realize Devon and I have been friends for a while and he doesn't really know anything about me besides my skating journey. He doesn't know the "serious things," but maybe de doesn't have to. I don't know anything serious about his life besides his dad leaving for milk and never coming back.

"Sure."

"Ella went through a phase where she was obsessed with classic Hollywood and I had a crush on Marilyn Monroe, and then Sophia Loren, and then I just realized one day I wasn't normal I guess. I felt gross like disgusting." Specifically in the locker room where I felt like everyone knew I was gay and soon I'd be kicked out.

Devon looks away from the skaters and at me. "You're normal, Jess." The serious moment goes away when Devon smirks. "Marilyn Monroe was bad as hell."

I nod. "She really was though."

"So you like white girls?"

I shrug but then shake my head. "Nah."

Devon pulls out his phone. He opens Instagram and shows me the screen. On it is a picture of a girl in one of those dresses that look like a Barbie doll dress before you put it on. Ella has one that my parents would freak out about if they ever found it. "What about her?"

"What about her?" I look at the girl again but she's nothing compared to Rose. I kind of wish I never met Rose so I could look at girls without knowing she exists and is way better than them.

"Do you think she's bad?"

I shrug. He pockets his phone and we skate back. We say goodbye before I skate over to my house.

When I get home Ella is working out in the living room doing cardio. I look at my phone and a text message pops up from Devon.

Devon
Her name is Claire. She's been asking me about you.

Under the messsage is a screenshot of her Instagram and I remember her following me. I was too busy thinking about Rose to care though. I go to my Instagram and follow her back. She has like 30,000 followers and a bunch of people telling her she's beautiful but she's still not Rose and I doubt she's going to make me feel the way Rose did.

Jamari
Being back with Caleb seems like some kind of failure even though I don't know what I failed at. I've been sober, going to meetings, and I've been getting an average of B's. Mom said I lied but I don't know what the fuck I lied about? And at this point it seems like I'm never going back to moms or where we were before last year. Maybe I should just start getting use to Caleb's.

Caleb's at footlocker and I'm just playing the game when my phone rings. It's a number I don't recognize and I already have a feeling who it is.

"Hello?" I say.

Her voice sounds the exact same. "I'm so sorry I fucked up." That's basically Hanna's version of hi how are you.

"You always do," I mumble. I want to hang up but I'm curious about what she has to stay.

"Can we please talk? Jamari, it's been like three months since you've been back please." She sounds on the break of tears and a year ago and a cell ago I would've felt something for her.

"Hanna I'm done I told you that." I have to remember to block this number, whoever it is. I hang up and go back to the game. I'm not about to let her ruin my thanksgiving break.