We're Trying

Hair

Hanna
Withdraw is terrible. My body is literally failing and all I can do is hope for the best. I'm supposed to like being sober but all I want is to go back to that boy in the school and have him hand over everything in his pockets. At least now I have Rose, the only person I want to take care of me. It's after school and we're on the patio. She's letting me use her sweater as a pillow and when my shorts ride up she pushes them down. Normally the grass would bother me but I don't mind as it tickles my legs. I fall asleep for like 8 minutes and my body is at peace. I wake up when Jess returns from the liquor store, she still looks like she's going to punch me in the face, but she seems nicer. She holds a frozen root beer and the large bag of Chex mix in her hands.

"This is only because I like Rose," she says and I stretch out my hand. When I take it Rose takes it out of my hand and places it on my forehead.

Jess sits and puts her arm around Rose. They're cute but I feel like I'm third-wheeling or interrupting something.

"Where's Ella?" Rose asks.

Jess looks at me and then back at Rose and I already know the answer. "She's with Jamari." I saw them earlier today, she had a fancy camera and she was taking pictures of him juggling apples. It reminded me of 9th grade when he first showed me he could juggle. He took my new mechanical pencils and just started throwing them in the air. I was scared but stunned. In our relationship, he would juggle tennis balls, Camille's Barbie dolls, and anything near us. I was always smiling when he juggled and when I saw him with Ella I wanted to stand and watch. But it was their moment and I was an outsider.

Rose looks over my face trying to read my emotions but I just rub my eyes. The only good thing this withdrawal is doing is keeping my mind off the things that make me do drugs. "They're cute," I say before trying to fall back asleep.

Before she leaves Jess kisses Rose on her lips and I think there is a bit of tongue. I like watching them, it gives me hope I could be in their place but then I remind myself Rose and Jess are way better people. I had my chance at that and then I ruined it. When Mr. Stephens pulls up he looks at me and smiles brightly. They don't even have to say anything because Rose is always helping me up and in a matter of minutes I'm leaning on Rose's shoulder in the backseat. I want to stay close to her forever. But we pull up to my apartment complex. Rose wanted me to stay over, but she has to work at the food truck tonight.

"Call me if you need anything," Rose whispers as we walk into my place. I nod and she leaves me on my bed. She puts a blanket over me. The pain in my body is too extreme to know but I think she puts one of my curls behind my ears.

20 minutes after she leaves I force myself to get up. I dig Into my nightstand and put my hand in every drawer until I touch the red familiar bag. I open it up to see an assortment of pills. I look around my room. Nobody watching but my smokepurrp poster. I could guzzle these down right now. I would feel better too. My body would feel better. Maybe I won't feel like I didn't get hit by a truck.

I pick some pills and let my fingertips run over them. It's not like it's Coke. I have 5 in my hand when my phone rings. I put the pills down.

Rose: I know withdrawal is hard but I know you can get through it. Remember when you fell off the playground and twisted your ankle but walked around and played as if nothing happened? I'm here for you, I always will be. I know you're not ready to go to a meeting or tell your mom, but that's okay. We'll get there.

Ella
I sit on Jamari's couch and he sits between my legs. His hair is all out and all of my hair products sit on the table. When he asked me to braid his hair I didn't hesitate to say yes, but now being so close to him and touching his hair it feels so intimate.

"You're not tender headed are you?" I ask and pick up the comb.

"Nah," he says. "Don't go power drilling through my shit tho."

I pick up the detangling spray. "I won't."

We're silent as I spray his curls and lightly detangle them. He doesn't wince or even move his head in the wrong direction.

When I start parting he finally speaks. I twirl his hair in my hand, he doesn't notice. "You wanna know why I'm doing this?"

"Because you don't want to do twist-outs anymore."

He shakes his head but stops. "Nah I body my twist-outs every time. I'm doing this cause my mom finally invited me to dinner."

I part one section and stop. He's never mentioned his mom or anything vulnerable since he told me about the juicy story. I wonder though, at night, what every aspect of his life is like. I wonder why he's closed off and I wonder why people hurt him when he's so amazing. "She doesn't like your hair out?"

"Nah, she umm would always braid my hair. She loved trying new braiding styles on Caleb and me."

I can't see his face but I picture a smile. "Don't you think she would be mad that another woman is braiding your hair?"

"I don't know I think she would be happy somebody I care about is taking care of me."

I part the third section. "Good because I already started." I part the last sections and think about one of the only things that have been on my mind the last few months. "Where are you going to college? Is this just like some temporary thing and we're just going to part our separate ways and then I have to wait for someone who likes me again."

Jamari's tone is light as usual so different from mine. "Hold up hold up," he says. He turns around. "First of all, you're not going to touch my hair with all of that nervous energy. Second of all, I'll go where ever you're going." He draws circles on my leg. "Unless you think I can't get in?"

"I sent you the list of all the colleges I applied to."

"Good."

"Good." He puts his hands on my legs and arranges himself so his mouth is just inches away from my ear.

"I'm not hooking up with you in no communal dorm room. If that's why you're asking." And boom just like that I feel like I did when I went on the dragon ride at the peer. I move over to kiss him but he backs away. "You gotta finish my hair." He goes back to his place between my legs and I start braiding hoping my beating heart doesn't decrease the quality of his braids.

When I'm done with his hair the door swings open and a guy in a footlocker uniform walks in drinking a McDonald's soda. Caleb. I have a great memory and even though it was years ago I still remember him. He still looks like an asshole and it amazes me that Jamari and Caleb are siblings. Sure they have the same nose and eyes but still, it doesn't fit.

Caleb smiles but again it's an asshole smile. He points at me and exchanges looks between Jamari and me. Jamari stands up and any happiness he had disappears. "You must be the ole girl who has been making my brother happy."

"I don't like you," I say.

Caleb still smiles. "Good for you shorty." He directs his attention to Jamari. "What in the simp shit is this? You sitting between her legs and shit while she does your hair, something you learned in Juvy?"

Jamari flexes his arms and he looks like he's about to lunge forward at Caleb. Caleb puts his hands up. "Chill it was a joke." He walks to the kitchen and puts his drink down. He spins on the stool on the island. The air is tense now and I no longer feel like I can tell Jamari anything and be safe. I want to hug Jamari and rest my head on his chest but Caleb's presence just makes me want to puke. He slurps his drink loudly. Jamari looks at me and I know the moment is over. I want to stay and protect him from his evil brother but I know he doesn't want that.

We hug and he kisses my forehead. I'm about to head to the door with Jamari walking me out when I see how defeated he looks. Out of nowhere I head over to where Caleb stands and slap him across the face. He holds his cheek and Jamari's smile finally comes back.