We're Trying

Your nasty finger

Hanna
I thought the week of Halloween would be such a good one but it was a blur. I was high as balls at home while Rose was with Liliana, per usual. I wouldn't admit it to her but I'm not that big a fan of kids but Lili is cute I guess. Last time I hung out with Rose  she put her slobbery hands on my pants and hit me in the head with one of her toys. Really I'm forever grateful because now I know to always use birth control. Not that anyone has been fucking me lately. Chad hits me up on Snapchat burner accounts asking when we're going to link again, I ignore him. Caleb, ever since our last talk I'm not trying to see him, and that's it. I want to include Jamari in my roundup but he hates me and the worst part is he has every right to. If he hated me for some stupid reason like my tits are too small or I just wasn't the girl for him, I could get over that. But he hates me because I fucked up and we both know it. He knows it more than me. I think god knows it to because I have a god damn urinary tracked infection that according to Rose is "normal." My mom blacking out on Thursday at 2pm is normal but that doesn't make it good. It also doesn't get rid of the blood in my pee or the millions of antibiotics I now have to take. I should've peed after I left Chad's.

When I walk into the lunch area I'm just as high as I was during Halloween and I see Jamari across the patio. He doesn't spare me a glance and walks on with a group of boys who've I've never talked to before. Fuck him man. I go sit at my usual table with Rose and the second she looks at me she knows. She knows better than my own mother who probably doesn't even know how high I get.

"Hanna," she whispers. "At school?" She says with raised eyebrows.

"Maybe," I say with a little laugh. I'm at the phase where my mind is mushing but still functioning. I wouldn't even call it a high.

Rose talks about college shit and I listen like I didn't have some random pills with my breakfast. I'm really in my own head until Rose turns around and looks at Jess and her weirdo twin walking over to us. Jess smiles at Rose but just as she does her twin Ella grabs her wrist. The second she does I remember what Rose told me about her and her stupid deal. I get up and head over to her.

"Hanna," Rose says but like she thinks I'm getting another coffee cake. When she realizes I'm not heading to that part of the cafeteria and straight to Jess and whatever her name is, her voice gets more stern. "Hanna what are you doing?" She says this but I'm already in my own world where I'm not listening.

Ella
Jess and I've sort of made up about the whole Rose thing. By this I mean we just don't talk about it and talk about safe subjects like Netflix shows, new music releases, and my obsession with bulldogs. Anything like college, who has to wash the dishes, or the spectrum meetings we stay away from. And Rose, we stay away from her. The subject of her, since Jess is attracted to her we can't really stay way from her presence.

Especially now as we're inches away from her in the patio. I keep my same expression but Jess smiles the second she lays eyes on Rose and her half up half down style. She is beautiful, I'm still taking her response to the grave though. Just as Jess is about to walk over to Rose and her red eyed friend, I dig in my pocket and take out the five dollars she wanted me to hold. She's wearing her nice slacks without pockets. I grab her wrist and hand her the five but just as I do Rose's friend is walking towards us with Rose trailing behind. I think she might be about to talk to Jess but her eyes go right over to me.

"The fuck are you looking at?" She asks before she stands right in front of me. Who do you think? I can already feel people turning to look at us from their tables.

"You?" I say just as Rose gets behind her and whispers in her ear. Rose looks at me with a smile that I've gotten from teachers who find about my "thing." I know now since Jess told her, she doesn't see my as a peer but someone to walk on eggshells around.

Hanna continues as she takes a step closer to me.
"Rose can date whoever the fuck she wants to date!"

"Ayy chill," Jess says and I know she wishes she had pockets to stuff her hands in right now.

"Don't tell me to fucking chill," Hanna says and she points her finger right in Jess's face. The only thing Jess can do is try to back up.

I get closer to her as Rose still tries to stop her friend. But I think she knows she can't deesclate this situation. "Get your nasty finger out of my sisters face!"

I think Jess is going to say something or Rose is going to stop her friend but instead Hanna slaps me across the face. In that second everything happens. People rush with their phones on, Rose tries to grab Hanna, and most importantly I'm back in that same place I was with my mom. I smack Hanna right back and she almost falls to the floor. We go back in forth for a few moments and I'm on top of her, she tries to pull my hair but she doesn't have the strength.

Jess
I try getting Ella off of Hanna but she won't budge and they're so many people crowded around us. So many noises, laughs, phone lights, and pushing. I can't see Rose or anyone. All I do and know is to protect Ella. This time not from other students but from herself. I'm about to pull Ella off, but someone beats me to it. I think it's the security guard who is lowkey racist but it's Jamari. I almost want to knock him out and tell him "no that's my job," but he does it so smoothly. In a second Ella is off Hanna and I can now see Rose Grabbing Hanna's arms. Along with Rose a bunch of other girls surround Hanna, and I wish Ella had that too. Friends to take her side but no it's just Jamari and I who I didn't know she even talked to. I don't know what Jamari is saying to Ella but it's light and quiet and soft and it reminds of how Rose talks to me. The look in Ella's eyes that I don't want to admit scares me lightens as she looks at Jamari. It almost makes me jealous that he has that effect on her when I've been trying to do that for 16 years.

Of course Ella being calmed down by Jamari just makes the Intensity in Hanna's eyes grow. I guess she fucked with him or something but whatever it is she better watch her fucking back.

"Everybody move away," the racist security guard says. This nigga, where were you when that greasy ass bitch slapped my sister. I thought I was this chill person but not when it comes to Ella. And really all I want is to be chill, and seeing Ella beat the crap out of Hanna kind of makes me wish she just continued doing homeschooling.

Jamari still stands close to Ella and Rose looks like she's trying to talk to Ella. I want to go next to Ella but I don't want to interrupt the moment so I just stand in the same place. Across the patio I see that Aidan boy look at me and then scurry away.

I think everything is calm and it's all over and we can put this shit behind us, but hanna opens her big mouth of hers. "You fucking autistic bitch." The second she says the words I look at Rose and a piece of my heart breaks. This shit can't be true. Rose looks at me too and she knows. And she should know. That whole moment we had in my bedroom disappears and it feels fake. Before Ella can say anything I walk over to Hanna and knock her lights out which hurts more than Ella's cause I'm wearing all of my good rings. FUCK, I just wanted this to be a normal school year. Rose looks down at Hanna and I walk over to her. I may be chill but like I said before Ella brings it out of me. Rose wanted a girl with a emotions and now she's got it. The security guard grabs me like he's trying to arrest me and as he pulls me away I continue to look at Rose. I hope she knows in this look, I'm saying, I can't fuck with you anymore no matter how much I thought I wanted to. Even if Ella didn't come first I can't trust Rose. She said I was doing more than enough to help my sister, and she's right I am doing that cause this time doing more than enough for Ella involves punching someone and cutting the girl you've been dreaming about off.