We're Trying

#300

Ella

"Two weeks? For fighting both of you?" Mom says what Jess and I both have been thinking about since the lunch incident earlier today. We're at the dining table and mom is pacing behind her chair while dad is just sitting with his arms crossed.

"She hit me first," I say what I told the discipline officer who held us in the office for the day until dad came and scolded the hell out of us.

Dad finally looks up from the table. "She did?" He only looks at me for a second and then looks over at Jess. We weren't allowed to talk in the office and haven't said a word since the morning when i told her we were out of toothpaste.

Jess sits up. "Yes she did."

Mom narrows her eyes at Jess. The heat doesn't seem on me anymore. And if it does it's going to boil over at some point. My worst fear is them taking me out of school. Mom continues pacing. "So did she hit you Jess?"

"No," Jess mumbles.

"She called me an autistic bitch," I shout and Jess looks my way. Dad and mom exchange looks and dad breaks out in laughter. Laughter I haven't seen in a long time. Mom just smiles.

"My girls," dad shouts and sticks out his hand. I can't believe this is happening so I give him a high five and watch as he goes over to Jess and does the same thing. Mom just shakes her head.

"You're not mad," I clarify. This whole time dad hearing the news that I got into a fight that was actually pretty easy scared the crap out of me. I thought he would go on one of his rants about how I'm not ready for anything in life and how tiring it is to constantly worry about me. I thought all of this in the office, in moms car, and the second dad took his seat at the dining table.

"Mad? Someone hits you and you hit them back and show them whose boss? I'm fucking proud."

After our little meeting Jess and I go in our room and Jess flops on her bed without even thinking about putting her hair in a bonnet.

"Are you okay?" I say. I didn't think Jess would really have a reaction to getting suspended and if she did it's only two weeks.

"No," Jess mumbles.

"Why not?"

"I don't want to talk about it." Jess closes the curtain separating the sides of our room. I want to open the curtains and scream "tell me please," but I obviously owe Jess since she knocked Hanna out.

"It's not because of Devon right?"

I can hear Jess move around in her bed. "No it's Rose."

"What's wrong with Rose I could've swore you guys were getting it on last time she was here." Jess never really closes the door, so even though I didn't hear them, I knew what was going on while I was braiding my wig.

Jess opens the curtain again. "You seriously don't know? You know if hanna called you that, guess who told her." I process the conversation and picture Rose telling Hanna "her sister has problems like she's autistic or some shit," but honestly Rose's face doesn't come into the frame. I don't know her, and even though she declined my deal she seems nice. I don't think she would have any ill intent in telling hanna but then again I hate that bitch hanna just like I used to hate Jamari.

"I don't care," I say and play with the yarn pieces at the bottom of my sweater.

Jess sits up and it's almost like a cloud is sitting on top of her pouring rain. "It's not about if you care, she broke my trust, I trusted her, told her something important to me and she told her friend. I know it may be hard to believe but this is bigger than you." Jess goes back to laying down on her bed.

"Okay," is all I say before Jess closes the curtain and starts snoring. I think about Jamari and how I would feel if he told his friend I went to jail for beating up my mom. And then how I would feel if that friend brought it up while I was beating their ass. Yea I would feel a type of way, but I totally forget about that when Jamari's number pops up on my phone.

Jamari: Hey you good? Let me guess two weeks suspended.

Rose
Jess's face plays back in my mind I don't blame her for knocking Hanna out. I know she's my best friend and we've been tight since elementary school but she's not the person she was when I met her and I'm not the same either. I've grown, she hasn't, but I don't want to completely let go of her, and I don't want Jess to look at me like she did in the patio. And she probably won't because I don't think she's ever going to speak to me again. When I get back from my first day without Hanna, Jess, or Ella at school I lay on my bed and watch Lili waddle up to me. Lili sits down with her doll and looks at me as I rest on my pillow. 4 unread text from Hanna. 3 calls from her. No texts or calls from Jess.

"I messed up Lili," I say. I know I didn't tell Hanna but that's not the way it seems.

Lili looks around my room and stands up. With her doll dangling in her hand by her raggedy hair Lili pats my arm. Just the feeling of her soft hand on my shoulder makes tears flow down my face. Lili sees these and or at least I think she does and she picks something off of the floor. It's two hair ties. She hands them to me and says, "Bands."

"Thank you Lili," I say grabbing them before she waddles over to where dad is watching football in the living room.

Hanna
I'm not really here. I feel like I'm living but I'm not completely here. When Jess hit me she didn't even knock the shit out of me and I stayed in the office out of it waiting for my punishment. Three week suspension and two Saturday schools because I started it. How I started and got my ass best will surely go down in history and will be a story that will make Alex laugh til she shits her pants. My mom gave me a lecture, I wasn't there, I'm not high, just not here. Rose isn't answering my calls and as I sit in the corner of my room the only person I have is a picture of me and my dad when I was three. I have beads in my hair, he's holding me like I weigh three pounds, and I'm smiling. A smile I haven't seen in a while.

Sometimes I would wonder what she would think of me. But that little girl is three and gone and I'm here. And if that little girl is gone the only thing I have left from my childhood and my innocence is Rose and I can't lose her. She stood by when I stole that girls zuzu pet. She stood by me when I wouldn't do stretches in the after school program, but this shit is different, it's grown, and it's too much.

Me: please talk to me.
Me: I'm sorry you know I was high
Me: that wasn't me.
Me: Rose please

Nothing.

I take a nap and my phone finally rings but it's not Rose it's Caleb.

Caleb: yo you tryna come over.

The only person who wants me. Again I'm not here, I need someone, and my UTI is gone. I get dressed and Uber over to his place. He doesn't say much and in some minutes I'm on top of him in his room hoping Rose will text me in this bad moment. It's not making love, it's fucking, it's a transaction that ends with me laying on his bed watching him scroll through his Insta.

"You good ma?" He asks.

I shove my head into his floppy pillow and mumble, "yeah," before checking my phone. Nothing. Please Rose bring me back to life, I'll be good.

After I make sure to pee,  Caleb hops in the shower and I stare at my phone waiting for Rose. I know I messed up. Isn't that enough? Do I really need to lose her to learn my lesson? As the water in the bathroom runs I hear a knock and force myself to get up and throw on my t shirt. When I open the door for a second I think it's the face ive been wanting to be close to since school started but it's not, it's the face I've been dreading. Lauryn Reynolds stands in front of me scolding every fiber of my bean. I'm about to open my mouth but she shakes her head and scurries off again. And that's like fuck up #300.