We're Trying

The drawing

Ella
The second I step out of my third period class and get ready to head to the patio to do my usual people watching Jess is right by the door. Usually I meet her by the tree across from the grass area but clearly that's not going to happen. I've been thinking about what I said to Rose and a part of me wishes I could take it back but on the other hand I don't know I don't like being told no, but at least im self aware.

"What the fuck was that?" Jess hisses and pulls me closer to her. With her eyebrows scrunched this is probably the second time I've seen her this mad. The first was all the way back in elementary school when someone stole her first board.

But I actually think she's more mad this time because as we head to the patio she looks right at me, not around us, but at me. "It was a deal, a proposition rather."

"Ella, please you can't be serious." This I've heard so many times from my mom, old classmates, and especially dad who would add a cynical laugh before shaking his head. Jess just doesn't sound like an evil villain though and just someone who is trying to understand when they know they really can't.

"I am," I affirm.

Jess runs her hands through her curls. "Bro, so what you can't babysit her sister, why would you want to? Can we just forget this?" Now Jess looks away from me and at the group of skater boys who include Devon and that boy Aidan who still stares right at Jess as they walk by.

"You know I don't like forgetting things, I actually don't even not like them, I can't forget anything, remember that girl Paris who told me my butt was too big, I'm not going to forget that and I'm not going to forget this." Before I can finish Jess grabs my arm again and pulls me into the girls bathroom. Past the girls who are checking their makeup she brings me into the big stall and aggressively let's go of my arm. She's lucky there wasn't a line in this one or her dramatic entrance wouldn't have so much emphasis.

"Grow the fuck up! I like Rose and I'm going to see her, okay?" Jess looks me in the eyes but of course that doesn't last long. Confrontation isn't her thing and that's why even when her board was stolen and she suspected someone at the skate park had it she didn't say a word to them.

"But that's not the deal," I say.

Jess shrugs. "I don't care." Of course, you don't care about anything. Jess opens the door to the stall but before she does she looks back at me. "Maybe dad was right your not ready to actually be in school." And like the conversation with Rose, Paris insulting me, and Jamari's brother calling me that word I'll never forget that sentence.

Hanna
It's the middle of our break and Rose and I are sitting at the lunch table. The rest of the patio has really disappeared as Rose tells me the crazy shit That girl Ella or something told her.

"I told you she's a fucking weirdo," I say and take a piece of my coffee cake.

"No she's not," Rose says stirring her cornflakes. Really I should be the one having cornflakes but there was only one coffee cake left and Rose gave it to me when she saw there was no more. That's Rose for you, always being so nice, and that's why she's not admitting that that Ella girl needs to be put in her place.

"Then what is she? Because it's sounding to me like she belongs in a psych ward." If someone would've gave me that "deal," when I was seeing Jamari or even now when I'm sort of seeing Caleb I would've had to give them a nice talking to but with no talking.

"I think she just needs some time."

"Does she have whats that thing called? you know when they don't have social cues?"

Rose leans in. "Autism and stop being so loud."

"For what? For Jess who stood there while she said this?" I don't really know Jess but I've had a few classes with her and she seems like she's always high but only because she just seems so chill. According to Rose she doesn't do drugs because she doesn't want it to interfere when she skates, but that's not the point. The point is I'm not  surprised she didn't stand up for Rose because she doesn't seem to stand up for anything. I mean look at the whole Mia situation, she didn't do shit to stop anything. But then again she man spreads and I'm not into girls but if I was I'd be all over Jess cause she is lowkey hot. And I guess her carefree vibe is what contributes to her hotness.

"Let's change the subject, you need to stop stalking Jamari on Insta, he's the first person that comes up when I search anything." I knew she would bring that up.

"Look," I say and realize I have nothing to say. I know it's pathetic but everyone does it right? Like what is the big deal.

Playing Rose's game I look at her binder and see the drawing of a heart with and a butterfly colliding. "That's pretty, Lili is a good drawer."

Rose finally smiles and looks down at the drawing that's filled with a bunch of different bright pinks. Her smile goes away as she looks down at the bottom of the paper.

"What? You don't think she's going to be the next Basquiet?" Shes not, that shit is terrible I was just being nice, but it's done by a three year old.

"It's not Lili's?" Rose says and squints. I lean over and look at the name at the bottom. "Who the fuck is Sawyer and why would someone name their baby that?"

Rose
Usually dad picks Lili up from school by himself but since I saw the drawing and recognized that lili picked up the wrong one I'm sitting in the passenger seat as we drive down pico. We've been just listening to the radio play a bunch of drake songs and dad bobs his head a little and says that one line he memorizes from each of the songs. From God's plan it's "Bad things, It's a lot of bad things, That they wishin' and wishin' and wishin' and wishin, They wishin' on me." It's kind of funny hearing the line from him because with the exception of my mom dad doesn't have any enemies and becomes friends with everyone he meets.

While he's mumbling the lyric I'm still thinking about Ella's words like I have been throughout all my classes. Alongside her words Jess not really saying anything and not texting me is stuck in my brain. I kind of just want to let Ella babysit and let her realize babysitting isn't all that fun and cute, but I feel like the only reason I'm doing it is because of what Jess told me about her and her being on the spectrum. If I say yes just because she has a mental disability doesn't that mean I'm actually not treating her fair and equal like everyone else.

"What's on your mind?" Dad asks as he pulls up to the street of Lili's preschool.

With no thought I just blurt out the first thing on my mind. "Does Lili have autism?" That had to be the highlight of Ella's conversation because who the hell told her that about Lili.

Dad does a bit of a double take but keeps his eyes on the road. "Umm how did you?" He stops at the red light.

"So she does?" I don't really know how to feel, obviously it doesn't change how much I love Lili but I'd wish I'd known, maybe it would've helped me understand all those times when she was crying and screaming and nothing I would do would make her stop. But I thought that was just a toddler being a toddler.

"Yes she does, she's on the spectrum, but it's not a big deal," dad says this so smoothly. I think back to Ella and how some people look at her weird and her email saying she felt alone. I guess I do get where she's coming from.

Dad doesn't say anything else until we get into the school and Lili runs to us. When she sees the paper in my hands, she takes it and clothes it. "No babe this is Sawyer's paper, do you know where yours is?" At this moment the teacher comes up to us.

A tall lady with a big Afro who I see dad sometimes checking her out. "Oh no, Sawyer made that for her, it was really sweet she insisted." I look down at Lili and pick her up as she brings the paper to her chest. Maybe her having autism is not so much of a big deal because at least she's making her first friend. Whoever this Sawyer is I'm grateful for her and hopefully her older sister won't slap Lili like Hanna's older sister did to me once.