We're Trying

Dissapointment

Jamari

I walk up the small house where I haven't been in such a long time just to realize it's locked and I can't just walk through like I always did. I look back at the cars on the streets and and see the car that's just as dusty as it's always been. She's here. And if I need even more fucking evidence, I can see the lights on in the dining room and the ceiling fan spinning. I pull out my phone and dial the number that hasn't been responding no matter how many times I tried.

Three rings, nothing. I try again and nothing. I look around the neighborhood where it's just broken down cars and people trying to escape the sun that is making it hot as balls. I look in the dining room window and staring back at me is my 8 year old sister who looks big as hell since the last time I saw her. She stares at me and looks behind her.

My phone rings and my mom's face pops up on my screen. "Do you have it?" she yells.

"Yes, I got it on Friday."

"Put it on the doorstep."

"I can't come in and give it to you Ma?"

"I'm reading, just leave it on the doorstep and Camille will get it when you leave." I look at the window and Camille is gone now.

"Fine." I dig in my pocket and pull out three dollars and a bingo chip. I scrunch my face then think back to Friday night with that girl Ella who for some reason thinks she's my nemesis. "Fuck." I look back at the window and I'm thankful Camille isn't there anymore.

"What was that Jamari?" Ma's voice booms. "You trying to get your mouth washed out with soap." How would that even happen when I don't even live with her.

"Ugh I left it at Caleb's ma, I'll bring it another day."

I can literally hear her dissapointment over the phone like I have so many times before. I thought this year would be different. She hangs up and I don't know why I even try at this point but I pull at the door knob a lil. Again, nothing.

I go home or really just the place I'm staying and Caleb is sitting on the couch which is basically where I sleep. He's playing 2k, Shirtless as always, showing off the tats that mom begged him not to get. Literally one is our mom's name and it's not small either. I can imagine the fight he got in with his girl when he took off his shirt and she said, "Who the fuck is Lauryn?" And Caleb would smile cause he doesn't give a fuck and say something, "That's my ma's name chill."

Caleb turns and looks at me. "Why you still here fam I thought you were back with the family." He's still focused on the game. Nigaa you're twenty go outside and get a bag or something. A bag bigger than the check he's getting at Foot locker.

"Not today." I sit on the couch and look at my call list which is all Ma with the signal for outward calls. No sign of her name in red.

"Aye it's going to be alright man." Caleb pats my shoulder without looking at me. When he releases his hand I open the Instagram app where there is nothing on my account. As it should be because instagram is a distraction, but as I go to my home page and see a picture of India Love i'm reminded of why it's such a good app. Damn that girl fine.

Thinking about that weirdo from Friday I search Ella in my search bar and an acc comes up thats followed by Jessbuckley_. I click it and the girl who lowkey seems like a nutcase is public and her page is filled with selfies wheres she's doing that golden hour shit. I'm not even going to lie, shorty is fine too, too bad she's hating me and accusing me of shit I didn't do along with shit I did to. Yes I took a picture of her ankles and put them on my snapchat but they were ashy to the point you could play connect the dots with them, I had to. I thought shorty was trying to be transracial, with how white her skin was that day.Whatever she's trying to be, she better be trying to do me a huge favor when I see her because I can't keep sleeping on my brother's couch. Thinking of the only person who lowkey knows my situation I go to my block list and look at her picture. Hannabannana, I lowkey feel like Ella because I just want to tell her I hate her. But at the same time in the words of some rapper, "Fuck that bitch and her white ass mama."

Rose

Lili cries and whines as I spray detangling spray in her hair. Dad stands in front of the dining room chair holding one of her stuff animals but she won't grab and hold onto it like she usually does when I do her hair. It's not even a crazy detailed hairstyle just two pom poms with twist in the front. I try detangling as smooth as possible and dad puts cocomelon on but she still cries and the sound pains me. She calms down a moment as she plays with the hair ties which she does on a daily basis but when I reach for them on the table I know it's going to change.

"Bubba I can't do your hair quick enough if you hold all the ponytail holders." I slowly grab one out of her hand and she lets out a loud squek. She doesn't stop even when I put the two ponytails in her hair and let her play with the rest. Like she knows she still doesn't have the two ponytail holders she touches her poofballs and keeps crying.

Dad reaches in his pocket. "Just put these in her hair and take out those, it's what I did last time. She knows those are the ones she wants." Dad looks at Lili with a smile and hands her the teddy bear which she finally accepts.

I let out a sigh of annoyance and take out the poofs which brings on more screaming and squirming. it doesn't stop until I hand her the hair ties that were in her hair and she fiddles with them in her hands. "Bands," Lili mumbles and fiddles with them some more. A smile spreads across dad's face a smile that wasn't apparent at any of the times Lili had called me mommy. Actually when she does that more of a frown comes across his face. I think he just wants her to say dada and I want her to too, but I'm not begging for it. But then again I'm not Lili's parent even though it doesn't seem like that at times.

When dad puts Lili to bed he looks at me as I sit at the dining table with my laptop. "You know aunt Shannon doesn't want to watch her anymore."

"Why not?" She too Lazy?

Dad looks in the direction of Lili's room. "She said she's too much for her."

I snarl. "The 280 pound 5'1 woman is saying Lili is too much, isn't that something."

"Hey respect your elders."

I shake my head. "She's a bad babysitter anyway." Why she is making Lili seem like the problem I don't know. But maybe I'm just mad because if she's not babysitting that means my social life is in jeapordy, it's selfish I know but I wish I could have Lili attached to my hip and still be a normal teenager.

When dad goes to watch the game in his room I open my instagram and see the dm from Ella. For a second I'm lowkey scared its a text saying "Don't date my sister you're not good enough," but instead it looks like a message sent by an english proffessor.

Ella: Hi this is Ella buckley, you might know me because Jessica Buckley is my twin and she seems pretty fond of you.

Shit maybe she is about to tell me I'm not good enough afterall, I keep reading.

Ella: I was wondering and I don't know how to ask this but are you on the spetrum? Honestly you don't seem like it in my opinion but people have said the same thing about me. I don't know I just wanted to know because if im being vulnerable I'm alone and maybe you can understand because no else not even Jess can. My regards, Ella.

I read the message over and see if I read that right. Really I'm confused because are school is diverse as hell and has a bunch of clubs, one dedicated to this specifically. Also how could she be alone with Jess? I don't know it's 11pm and im tired as hell but I'll respond.

I try to type as formal as her.

Me: Hi Ella, I know I may not look like the stereotypical verison of one but I am a lesbian if that's what you're asking, is Jess not one?

I didn't expect it but a bubble pops up.

Ella: Yes Jess is a lesbian, and no that's not what I was reffering to.

Me: Then what are you referring to?

Ella: Please disregard this message as I've realized it doesn't pertain to you. I've made a mistake and im sorry if I've made you feel uncomfortable.

Me: Okay.

And thats the second last thing I type before sending Jess a sweet dreams text.