We're Trying

Head down

Jess
Winter break goes by fast just like summer and thanksgiving break did. Christmas was fun, I got a few mf doom and Smino vinyls. But when we get back to school and everyone is showing off their new gifts something feels different. I don't figure it out until I'm in second period, but when I do it hits me. This my last semester of highschool. My last semester of walking down these halls and seeing all of these people everyday. My last semester of probably being close to Ella and having the comfort of my parents. I applied to a few colleges, nothing prestigious but Ella and I both applied to CSUN, and so did Rose. But I know she applied to other schools like Howard and Morehouse, and she's smart as hell, so she'll probably get in.

At lunch I move through the crowds of people. Rose is studying in the library so I head over to the boys. Devon is sitting on the table and Aidan and the other guys are on the benches. Devon is shoving one of those crustables in his mouth and Aidan is showing Leo something on his phone. I sit on the bench and put my head down on the table.

"What's wrong with you? Did you get socks for Christmas or something?" Devon asks.

I shake my head but keep my head down and around my arms like I'm about to fall asleep.

"Do you want me to get Rose?" He sounds like a dad and all the coolness in his voice is gone.

"It's fine," I mumble.

"I'm going to get you a crustable and a caprisun," he says patting my back. I can't even object because he's already getting off of the table and forcing Leo to come with him. I hear them go but for a moment I go to asleep. With the 2000 teenagers in the patio I can't stay asleep for long. The football players are yelling and girls are screaming at the seagulls swarming in the sky, but it's Aidan's voice that wakes me up.

"Hey are you okay?" He asks.

I pick my head up and run a hand over my face. "Yeah."

"You don't seem like it."

I just shrug. Over the past months I've noticed Aidan isn't a stalker weirdo and he's actually pretty cool. He's nicer than Devon and I like that.

"Can I tell you something?" He asks. When he says this I immediately think about how Devon first introduced me to him and Aidan standing there looking at me at the skate park. I'm pretty sure he's seen me kiss Rose but I don't know.

"Sure," I say. My thoughts about the future have drained me from saying anything more.

Aidan looks down at his hands and then looks back at me. I keep eye contact hoping he knows he doesn't have anything to be nervous about. I'm not a talker or gossiper. "You know when Devon told you I liked you," he says.

I nod. "Yeah you're over that right?" I try to laugh off the awkwardness in the air.

Aidan giggles too. "It was a lie, Umm I never liked you."

"Damn," I say still trying to keep eye contact.

Aidan shakes his head. "I lied to Devon, and said I liked you but... I liked him and I was scared." He looks down at his hands and everything makes a bit more sense now. I hug him and for a moment I hear sniffing and feel some wetness on my shoulder. There not tears of sadness though because when we pull away he's smiling from cheek to cheek.

"It's feels nice doesn't it?" This moment reminds me
of when I told Ella and she shrugged and said okay. I felt like I didn't have to hide something anymore

He wipes the corners of his eyes. "Yeah I feel lighter." His smile falters as he sees Devon and Leo handing back in our direction. "Don't tell them please."

"I would never," I say firmly.

Devon comes back and places the crushable and caprisun in front of me. I say thank you and offer him a piece but he declines. He asks what we were talking about and I lie and say Ravyn Lenae's new album.

Hanna
This is embarrassing but I've been stalking Rose as she keeps avoiding me. I thought this would blow over but the fight wasn't just a one time thing. It was the turning point that made Rose count up all of my mistakes and make an assessment about who I really am. I've been telling myself since I got suspended that all those mistakes aren't really me, but those feel like lies. I've been this way for a while, a fire burning myself down and taking others with me. But it isn't until now I've felt the heat of my actions. I'm walking from my moms car when I see Rose get out of hers and head directly towards the school gates. It feels so weird just watching her and not going up to her and asking about every detail of her life. I know she needs time, but this time apart seems to be making us strangers.

"Hanna," a man's voice shouts. I turn to the on going morning traffic and cars piling up at the drop out spot. Right where Rose got out sits her dad's car with his window down. I look back at the gates where Rose has disappeared with the rest of the students.

Rose's dad or Mr. Joseph's has a bright smile on his face and I can see he's wearing the uniform for his chicken spot. His smile reminds me of all the times my mom would pick us up late in elementary school and he would come in the bungalow and with just a look I would know he was taking me home and Rose and I were going to have an extra play date on a school night.

"Hey," I say. He's the closest thing I have to a father yet with all the drama I feel I shouldn't be talking to him. But then I remember how amazing Rose is and how she wouldn't want to hurt my other relationships just cause we're going through a rough patch. That's what this is a rough patch.

Mr. Joseph's reaches into the passenger and pulls out a brown bag. I can already smell the crisp chicken and I can see the bag of grapes poking out from the top. Green grapes. Only Rose knows I prefer green grapes. So she still cares.

He hands it to me and I take it. When it's in my hands I see Lili in the backseat, she's playing with her rubber bands and when she sees me she flaps her hand at me.

"Thank you Mr. Joseph," I say and without my consent tears flow down my face.

Cars honk at Mr. Joseph but he doesn't care. He reaches out his arm as far as he can and squeezes my shoulder. He looks into my eyes and his smile still hasn't faltered. "Everything's going to work out okay?"

I nod even though that sentiment has never felt more false. I wipe my eyes and let him continue to speak, hoping he has more to say that will make it all better. "Hanna I packed you an extra granola,the ones that are chocolate covered, not those skimpy chocolate chips."

I laugh and like I did with my mom I watch him drive away. When I clutch the brown paper bag and head to the school gates Jamari is standing by them staring at me. I still have tears on my cheeks and seeing him triggers more. I messed up so bad. I see his face soften and I stop in my tracks hoping he'll come over, console me. Hoping he cares. But his face hardens again and he walks through the gates. This is where him and Rose are different. Rose never stops caring for you even when she shouldn't, but Jamari can easily stop his compassion in one second. 

At lunch after I eat Mr. Joseph's food I sleep in the nutrition room. Ms. Cassidy is a nice teacher and ever since I had her class in freshmen year she's always been letting students in during lunch and recess. She likes to talk but she also gets when it's time not to talk so when I go in her room which is covered in a bunch of mental health awareness posters she doesn't say a word. When I finish both of my granola bars I look at my phone. No messages except one from verizion and a notification about my low storage. I have no room for photos because I've screenshotted every young picture of Rose and I. I look at them before I go to bed. My favorite is a picture of us in 8th grade. We're on the track and our wearing our numbers. Our arms are around each other and no one else at the meet matters but us. We came in last in both of our heats but it didn't matter.

I text Rose.

Me: Thanks for the green grapes

I put my phone down but it bings

Rose: no problem.