We're Trying

Im not a child

Hanna
Rose had a good point I guess about how there are a bunch of other boys in our class, but what she doesn't see is there all the boys I don't want. When I decide I want something really there is no turning back. In sophomore year before everything went to shit when I saw Jamari at that one football game I knew I wanted him. I wanted to be his. I wanted to run my hands through his curls and have him do the same. I was the one who talked to him first and kept texting him like my mom advised me not to. And now he's done with me for reasons I wish I could erase but his brother is not. Proving my point right Caleb doesn't hesitate to walk out of the footlocker and to me as I sit by the candy station scrolling through Pinterest.

He pulls out the chair and sits watching me with that damn smirk of his.

"Are you going to say something?" I ask.

"Are you going to stop stalking me," he rebuttals and crosses his arms.

"Are you really that self centered that you can't accept us being here at the same time." I lean in and make sure he's watching my lips. "It's a coincidence Caleb."

"I told ya im no R Kelly."

"When did I ask you to pee on me?"

Caleb looks away and runs his hand over his head. "You know you're weird, like real weird."

I cross my arms over my tube top. "Why is that?"

Caleb stands up and looks down at me like he's some evil villain. "Jamari didn't cheat on you and leave you, you're the reason the relationship ended and now your chasing after me like I want some part of your homie brother hopin game." He shakes his head again.

Before he goes back into the footlocker and flips me the bird I say, "so what I'm hearing is we're going to have fun on my birthday.

Ella
Every Sunday my mom makes us have dinner at the dining table. Really that's what we should be doing every night but usually dad eats in his room while watching the game and Mom has a phone call from work or with her sister that takes like 2 to 3 hours. I like having my own planned meals that I eat while watching youtube. When you have an apartment with a bunch of rooms I guess it makes sense that everyone chooses their own corners to hide in. But not today, dad made jerk chicken with rice and beans and Jess and I sit across from eachother waiting for mom to start her usual questioning.

"So you've been applying to colleges right?" I think she's talking to both of us but Jess is sort of in her own world looking down at her lap. Texting Rose I assume.

Mom sees the light immediately and snaps her fingers making Jess pocket her phone. Still I answer her question. "I've applied to CSUN, UCSD, Loyola, and umm Spellman."

Dad looks up from his plate. "Spellman?" He drops his fork. "That's in Atlanta Georgia."

"I know." You don't apply to a school without knowing where the campus is and wondering about all the little things in your life that are going to change.

"Richard," mom says and gives my dad that look. Sometimes the look works like with Jess's phone, but other times it doesn't and this is one of those times. Dad's like me in that way, he'll ignore a cue if he believes that what's on his mind needs to be said. He hasn't ignored the look in a while, like when I tried on my first frontal wig that happened to be platinum blonde, he was about give his opinion, but mom quickly side eyed him and he zipped his lips. Now I would rather hear what he would have to say about that wig than what I already know is about to come.

He looks at me. "You really think you're ready to be out of state by yourself?"

Jess sulks in her seat and twirls one of her curls. She can protect me at school but when it comes to dad she usually stays quiet and I don't blame her.

"Yes, I have a year to prepare and I won't be by myself I'll be with the 2,200 other students of spellman." I look at Dad and then at mom and see that my response wasn't enough. "I'm not a child."

"But you have the emotions of a child. You still play with string, mumble and barely give people eye contact, and you still have those little fits. You just started your first in person school year and now you want to go out of state, miles away, I can barely help you under this roof and you'll think me and your mother will be able to help while you're in Atlanta."

I now play with my string under the table like Jess with her phone. "I'm not a child," I say more sternly. I look at mom and hope she can play her role of good cop. Sadly she's just playing the role of a silent extra and dad knows it so he continues. "If me and your mother can't handle you, you think those 2,200 something people of spellman will? No they won't because they'll be dealing with their own lives just like Jess will have to."

Jess looks up as if to say "what the fuck does any of this have to do with me?" Dad doesn't see it though and he continues and as he does my face gets hot and I play with my string more vigorously. "What's going to happen when someone accidentally pushes you in the courtyard you're going to throw a fit? What happens when you get a roommate? Me and your mom are grown adults but those teenagers won't be able to stick through you're bullshit-"

"Richard!" Mom shouts and before her words can even reach dad I stand up and my voice is just as loud as hers.

"IM NOT A CHILD, YOU'RE JUST A BAD DAD, IM NOT A CHILD! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!" I scream loud enough for the neighbors to hear I'm so lost in screaming at him I don't even hear him saying "Jess take her to her room," like an inmate. Now I sit on my bedroom floor with tears streaming from my eyes thinking of dad's words as they come back and forth in my mind. I rock back and forth and Jess sits next to me playing with the end of my curls as her arms wrapped around my neck.

"He's right, I proved him right, I proved him right," I cry as my knees become soaked with tears.

I know Jess doesn't know the exact words to say but her being there makes this just 1% less painful. "Everything is going to be alright," she says and I'm not sure she believes it herself but I lay my head on her shoulder as dad and mom's arguing echoes behind our door.