We're Trying

College Fair

Hanna

My dad passed away when I was 5 in a car accident and I like to think it doesn't affect me because I'm older, but it's the little things that make me remember him and wish I was Alex who still can talk with her dad and see his face. My mom tries to ignore it but my dad is apart of my life, he's apart of my name, he didn't want to have the h at the end. And again every now and then it's the little things that remind me of the times when my memory was just forming and my dad was the number one person in my life. Today it's the college fair and the little thing that makes me stop walking in the courtyard is the tall man standing by the UCLA booth. It's not really him but rather his huge fro that's like two feet tall. Way better than Jamari's fro. My dad was actually bald but around the man's fro is a white butterfly that reminds me of how my dad taught me about compound words in our old garden. "Pan-cakes," he would say and clap his hands and I would repeat after him. It was at that second a butterfly flew around our bushes of roses and he clapped and said, "butter-fly." Like the butterfly knew it was being talked about it landed on my dad's nose and that picture of him smiling as the white butterfly flapped it's wings is stuck in my brain.

Before Rose can sense my change in mood and become all miss protective I excuse myself to the bathroom. Rose just told me about her first kiss with Jess and I don't want to be a debbie downer when she's on some kind of lesbian love high. Im probably just going to community college anyway so there's no point in walking around looking at college scouts and pretending like I've even started the process of admissions. Apparently you were supposed to start last spring but I'm not going to Yale so it shouldn't matter. If I had it my way I wouldn't go to college at all but im not about to shower at the local pool like Alex who argued with mom about how college is a whole scam and she didn't want no part in it. So you know mom wanted no part of her in the apartment.

I get to the bathroom and go to the biggest stall just to slide down the wall like I'm summer walker. Like anytime I see the little things that remind me of him tears start pouring down my face and I already know my face is a puffy red. I look at my homescreen and the picture of my dad in his twentys holding me as a new born sits there and tears fall over my home button. Sometimes I think if he didn't pass away in that accident, if a miracle happened and he was saved, maybe my life would be together. Maybe I'd still have Jamari, maybe I wouldn't of got caught selling candy, and maybe my ass wouldn't be hurting as I sit on this dirty floor. To make it worse I think somebody is shitting in the next stall. Distracting myself I open my message threads. If Jamari won't talk or give me the time of day, I know someone that will, and it's not Chad, but his name does start with a C. And just like I expected he answers my text.

Jess

This college fair is confusing for me because I know I want to go to college, but I also know I just want to skate, kiss Rose, and chill. Unlike Ella I'm not a big planner and don't have a list of safety schools and dream schools. I also don't plan what I'm going to eat everyday like her, and freak out when dad eats the last banana. But I wish I sort of knew more of what I wanted from the next four years because in this fair I'm just drifitng from booth to booth pretending and nodding. I'm by CSUN's booth when I see devon talking to a conselor and laughing like he said the funniest thing in the world. If I remember correctly Devon is just like me, and doesn't know shit about what he wants to do after we graduate. But I don't care about him anymore, he don't wanna be friends that's on him, and as I think about this I see Leo scrolling on his phone outside the fair perimeter and go up to him.

The second i do he looks over at Devon and makes a panicked look. Why is he acting like I killed his puppy or something. "Yo Jess whats up?" He says slowly.

"Nothing what's up with you?" I go to dap him but he keeps his hands on his phone so I just run my hand through my hair.

Leo shrugs. "Nothing much," he lies cause I know his shit song on soundcloud blew up. He posted them on his story. If I was really trying to get through to him I would gass his songs up but I don't care that much. Leo looks in Devon's direction again. "You know you're kinda black balled in the group right?" No fucking duh. "You think you can start messing with Devon's girl and there won't be a problem?"

I put my hands on my head and stare at the skye. "What? I'm not messing with Mia, like I have a girl on my mind but it's not her."

"That's not what Aidan said?"

"Who's Aidan-" The second the words come out of my mouth I want to punch something.

"He said he saw you two talking in the hallway and you seem pretty tight, it's why Devon and Mia are on a break?"

"You're kidding?"

Leo shakes his head. "Nope." He looks at Devon again. "See ya Jess," he says before walking off.

How the fuck do I get in so much drama by doing literally nothing? I swear if I catch that Aidan guy staring at me we're going to have a problem cause who the fuck is he telling Devon about conversations I'm having. This is why I get why people say liking girls is easier because guys although they will never admit it, are messy as hell.

Hanna

It's the end of the day and I've wiped all of my tears from this morning. I get my uber and approach the apartment building where Caleb stands outside running a wave brush through his sort of nonexistent waves. Maybe I'm just desperate for attention but he's fine as hell, and looking at him and any other fine black man makes me regret sleeping with Chad. Like I'm already half white why did I feel the need to put more white inside of me.

"You still a piece of shit?" I ask as he looks me up and down in his foot locker uniform that I'll admit fits him well.

"Maybe," He says.

"Mess with your brothers ex girlfriend piece of shit?" I smirk and make sure he sees the new layer of lip gloss I put on.

"Yeah," he nods. "But not mess with a minor piece of shit."

I take out my fake from my pocket, the one I was hoping Jamari would give to me himself. "Who says Im a minor?"

"California law, I don't play that." His smile dissapears. "Plus if they put me away, I already know you ain't going to care." He stares at me as the past comes flooding back. Why did I know he would bring that up. Bring that up and especially make that face like he knows he got me.

"If you were going to be so stubborn why answer my text?" You could've saved me the $30 I just spent on that uber and the time I spent in the bathroom doing my makeup. Niggas aint shit for real.

Caleb shrugs and keeps his coy expression. "Because I wanted to tell you this in person. Jamari is trying to get his life together and he doesn't need you trying to rip it apart." How is trying to talk to him ripping his life apart? And getting his life together? I know his fro is growing but he still walks around the same as he used to.

"For someone who works at a footlooker and is staring at my chest you sure got a lot to say."

He raises his eyebrows and when he does this he looks exactly like Jamari. "For someone who sucked off my brother you sure got a lot coming out of your mouth." With that I turn around and start searching for another uber. When im one apartment building over Caleb yells, "Don't worry I won't tell him about this, and hit me up on your 18th birthday ma." Lucky for me that's only in three weeks, so I'll guess i'll be seeing Caleb soon unless I find a better distraction.