We're Trying

Vulnerable

Ella

It's the beginning of the school day and the second I get out of the car with Jess by my side I see Jamari walking up to me. Jess still doesn't know about what happened at summer camp and just smirks at me while she heads to her own lil corner where she skates on the other side of Devon and all his friends. I feel bad for her, but she doesn't show that she's hurt which she's been doing for years. She just shrugs, the only emotion or reaction she really gets are from when she is texting Rose who dissapointed me after seeing her text. She's not autistic or neodivergent at the least and I'm alone in this school but that's whatever.

Jamari walks by my side the second I walk through the school gates. Usually I start the conversation with I hate you but he begins talking this time. "Ayo remember that chip I gave you, Ima need it back like pretty please I need that back." Oh yes the 30 day sober chip, I connected the dots and honestly the worst part of me thought about throwing it away just to spite him for how he treated me at summer camp. I know I sound bitter but I'm not afraid to say I hold grudges thanks to my amazing memory. Really I haven't even fully thought about giving it to him as much as I thought about throwing it away in his face and calling him the r word like he did me.

We make our way to the back of the school where theres barely any people and I lean against my locker. "Why should I give it to you?"

"Because I need it." He stares at me for a moment then pinches the bridge of his nose. "Yo I swear to god I didn't call you that word like for real."

"You did I remember it."

"Really where are your sources or pieces of evidence?"

"I have a good memory and you called me that word."

"So if I did does it even matter it's not like your special needs or something." His words make my stomach turn. Special needs? I guess people only know about the term "on the spectrum," if they are on it themselves.

"I have autism actually so it is like that."

Jamari looks around at the blue lockers. "But you look...like normal." Jamari shakes his head. "That's not the point, just give me the chip please you saw what it says you see why it's important."

"I do." Gosh I want to tell him how much I hate him again.

Jamari shoves his hands in his pockets. "look I have a lot of on the line here and I can't deal with your bullshit from five years ago, that boy who bullied you aint me so stop treating me like him."

I cross my arms. "How do I know that?"

Jamari leans in and gets closer to me and I look up at him. It's hard arguing with someone when they're like 5 inches taller than you. "Because I'm just different."

"Where's your sources or pieces of evidence?" Yeah how does it feel to take your own medicine.

"I think you're fine as shit," he says and smirks. It almost feels like some act, and I'm not sure if he truly believes it or if he just wants me to take the chip out of my pocket. But then again I do look way better than I did when I was 12. I know how to do makeup, style my curls, and dress my figure still I can't believe this compliment coming from Jamari and he knows it too because he keeps talking. "Look how about I talk about a time when I was at my lowest since you want to be so fucking complicated." I gesture for him to keep going. "Riddle this I'm in juvy, doing my sentence, in the shower with a bunch of other niggas and boom some white guy sucker punches me in the face starts beating the shit out of me when I have no clothes on, tell me that was as bad as someone taking a picture of your ashy ankles." Jamari looks at the ground and I quickly dig in my pocket and pull out the chip. Shit I'm a piece of shit. He's staring at the ground and I don't think he knows I'm there until I open up his palm and put the chip in it.

My hand stays on his and he looks me right in my eyes. "I'm really sorry that happened to you." I know I have this robotic voice but I do really mean it. He looks down at my hand. "I mean it when I say you're fine as shit." At that our hands break away.

I look him up and down and say the thought I've been supressing. "I think you're fine too." His smirk gets wider and I look at my phone. "I have to get to class," I say knowing the bell isn't as loud when you're inside.

Jess

I don't get why Devon is so weird about this whole Mia thing. Sure I sort of liked her but she basically told me she was completely not interested. Also this was four years ago so I don't understand why it was brought up now during our last year of highschool. The only person I know who holds grduges like that is Ella who still has hatred for the summertime bully who made her not want to go to school anymore. I get that grudge but I've never actually held one myself cause it's just wasted energy. When I get to homeroom I see Mia talking to a group of girls and the second she sees me she says something to one of the girls and walks right up to me.

"Jess I'm so sorry, like for real, I was drunk off my ass on Friday, Devon is wilding."

"Yeah tell him to chill." How are you going to tell me Devon is wilding when you're the reason.

"I did, but aiden told him what I told you at the party and I told him about being bisexual and he's just really mad at you."

"Aidan? What the fuck did Aiden say?" I say this with a laugh cause in all honesty I've never seen Aidan actually open up his mouth and speak. All i've seen is him just stare at the skatepark and order a pop tart at lunch.

"Remember what I said about liking girls and keeping my heart safe, and how Devon doesn't like Cuppcake."

I recall the conversation that I was just nodding at. "Yeah." I shrug. "Its not a big deal yall are together and it has nothing to do with me."

Mia looks back at her group of girls who are looking right at us. "I'm sorry Jess, he just needs time." Time? Time for what? None of this is a big deal and it's kind of weirding me out that Devon isn't keeping the same chill I don't give a fuck energy that I thought we both had. I have a twin who feels everything and every feeling, its nice coming to school and just skating and bullshitting without drama.

I remember what Rose's fine ass said at the party, and I remember my response. I have emotions. "Just tell him I'm sorry," I say before Mia goes back to her friends and the bell rings.

Rose

Before government I walk with a pep in my step thinking about Jess but also thinking about Ella's dm even though she said to disregard it. When I'm getting my big ass textbook out of my locker I see Jess and instantly notice she doesn't seem so happy or go lucky.

"What's wrong?" I say and push some of her hair behind her ears. Really I want to caress her cheek but we're in the middle of the hallway.

"I don't know," she says softly and looks at her converse. The way she looks so delicate I just want to protect her and punch anyone who has hurt her.

"You can tell me," I say just as softly and take a step closer to her.

Jess looks around us and then back in my eyes. "Devon and I aren't friends anymore and I don't know," she stops talking and looks around again. "I just don't know what to do, I don't have friends anymore I guess."

"You have me."

Jess's smirk comes back and I feel like I've accomplished my mission. "I don't want to be your friend though," she says and her voice teleports me back to the party when we were listening to Bad dream which I have added to three of my playlist.

"You're cute," I say and this time caress her cheekbone.

"You're cute too." Jess leans in and kisses me as I smell her beautiful vanilla scent. I kiss her back before the bell rings and we head to government like I wasn't about to stick my tongue down her throat.