We're Trying

Shitty person

Jamari 

Just like every Friday I'm getting ready to get out of the door I came in while Caleb is tearing through his Chik Fil A. While he's eating the fries I know I'm not going to get a piece of hes typing on his phone with a big ass grin. 

"You talking to that girl Imani again?" I ask as I grab my keys on the table by the door. 

Caleb slowly looks up from his phone as he chews a handful of fries. "Yeah."  Hopefully this nigga doesn't have another pregnancy scare on his hands because mom can't handle that. I'm not going to lie though I lowkey miss the times in high school and in middle school where Caleb would tell me everything about all of his girl problems. Caleb is messy though so I'm not trying to hear about all of his issues. 

"Aye you're done seeing Hanna right?" Caleb asks taking a sip of root beer. 

"Definitely I'm actually seeing this other girl after my meeting." 

"isn't part of the nine steps like not getting in any relationships?" Isn't part of being an adult having the ability to actually cook and not just live off fast food. 

"Did I say I was marrying her?" Haven't even kissed the girl yet. 

"But shouldn't you be focusing on your sobriety?"

"Nigga shit the fuck up."

Caleb laughs. "Let me see her then?" 

I gotta go to my meeting but I don't care to be late so I go over to Caleb and go to Ella's instagram page. I press the photo where she is doing that golden hour shit with her hair all down and Caleb nods. I'm about to put the phone away but Caleb squints and his eyes widen. Nigga I may not be getting married to her, but damn. 

Caleb keeps looking at my phone. "Ayo isn't that the retard from summercamp with those ashy ankles?"

The second the sentence comes out of his dry ass mouth I push him off his stool and watch him fall to the floor. I didn't expect that but I'm not mad at it. I think back to that summercamp and now I remember Caleb was there too in his last year. Now it all makes sense what Ella was saying and I have to admit I like being right cause I knew I didn't say that shit. 

Caleb gets up. "Ayy what the fuck man?" 

"Don't say that shit again." 

"You on drugs again?"

"I'm sober," I say firmly. "You're just an asshole." 

Caleb laughs while going back to his chik fil a sandwich. I should steal that shit and throw it in his face. 

Ella 

When I was younger I thought I could never feel guilt and my mom and dad sort of made me feel that way during arguements or interactions at school. Before I fully knew about having autism I thought I was just crazy even though mom would tell me I just saw the world how it actually is. But now I know I'm not a maniac, because as I stand outside the spectrum meeting my stomach gets tight. My period was last week and I follow a foodmap diet so this stomach pain could only be guilt. Or it could be some deadly illness punishing me for when I told that five year old kid I'm not there friend. They were hugging my leg though so I didn't feel too bad about them bursting into tears. My stomach didn't even hurt then but now as I stand outside the meeting I've been observing I feel like literal shit. 

It all started with mom saying "I just love our daughter but at times it doesn't feel like we know how to love her the right way." To be clear my guilt is for my mom not for my dad who thinks I'm not grown or ready enough to go to college like every other teen. I'm ready, and he can't accept that because he doesn't want to lose me. But of course only mom speaks and is vulnerable in these meetings while dad just holds her knee and comforts her.