We're Trying

Big Boi

Jess

I sit outside the tree I showed Rose in the back of the school. School is over for the day and the only noise is from the track and football field. I texted Rose and told her to meet me here. I wish I did this way sooner, but also I wish that fight never happened. I kind of want to go inside the treehouse and see all of the names but I'm too tired to want to climb up the latter or look at all the post its of people who probably aren't together. Rose walks from the hallways and she's all I can see. Her curls bounce and she smiles as we lock eyes. I don't even want to talk about anything, I just want to kiss her and go back to the way we were when I first brought her to this tree.

"Hi," she says.

Before she can sit down on the ledge next to me I take my hoodie off and place it down. Her smile gets brighter and she sits down. "You're sweet." Those words are all I need to just end this period of not talking that I have hated every minute of.

We sit for a moment before I feel Rose's eyes on me. "Do you trust me?" she says.

I wait to long to answer and she continues. "Because if you trust me you wouldn't think I would just go and tell and Hanna that." She stands up and I think she's going to leave and find another girlfriend someone who is better at talking but instead she places my hoodie in front of me and sits in front of me. Now I can't look away. I fiddle with my rings.

"I want to trust you," I say moving my gold ring on my index finger up and down. I wonder if Hanna told her about the girl in the bathroom, and if she's already decided that she's done with me and this is just goodbye. "Can we just move past this, I'm sorry I should've known better."

"I admire that you care about your sister and want to protect her Jess, I want to be with you, but you have to talk to me." She scoots closer to me and I'm looking in her eyes. I'm sliding the ring on and off again, but this time it falls and drops in front of Rose. She picks it up and takes my hand. She slowly puts it on back with the others. She's the only person whose touched my rings.

I don't know why it happens or why my body is betraying me but tears spill out of my eyes. I look away from Rose and her beauty, but she touches my chin and turns my face so we're locking eyes again. Not with her sleeve but with her gentle hand she wipes my tears even though they keep coming down. I don't like crying, I'm not a cryer, this isn't me, and I don't want to be crying in the back of school but something about Rose's hand makes me feel safe. I can trust her, I just need to stop guarding myself.

"You can talk to me," she says before my dad's car appears outside the school fence. We don't pay attention and Rose takes a post it out of her pocket. She writes R + J and I watch her place it amongst the walls of the treehouse. Theres several post it and I don't care about all of the other initials, I just care about ours. I let her leave with my hoodie on her arm.

Ella

Jess doesn't seem to be in such a mood anymore and I plop next to her on the couch. She's watching Rick and Morty with her arms crossed but she's not pouting like she was weeks ago. She doesn't look crushed but back to her indifferent I don't really care nature.Big boi , the bulldog sits at her feet but comes over to me the second I sit down. I almost want to get Jess something more than our matching chains because I love Big boi but I also love the chains because they make us more like the twiches.

"You're wrong," I say.

She turns and looks at me. "Huh?" she says, not moving her arms.

"Me being autistic isn't your secret and it's not even mine, so really you shouldn't of told Rose."

"You right," she nods.

"I know." I look at the television for a minute. "That's why I said your wrong."

Jess just stares at me. I didn't really expect her to say more. All our lives, we've never argued, really its just me saying things and Jess nodding or saying things like "K," or "Yup." I know I'm right, but I at least would like her to provide some kind of defense.

"If I went and told Jamari you're gay and not to tell anyone, you'd be mad right?"

"I don't know." She keeps looking back at the televison. "Yea."

"Good," I say satisfied that I won the arguement even though the other side had surrendered long ago.

"You like Jamari?" Jess asks.

"When you say like do you mean as a person or a friend or like someone else."

"Someone else." I like being around him, and I like talking to him. I've been thinking about having his chain dangling over me and running my hands through his hair, but sometimes I wonder if he really likes me. I wonder if he's fucking other girls right now and giving them the same attention, making me not special and just something on his to do list.

"Cool."

"I think he just tolerates me and only likes me because I'm hot. I don't think he actually likes me as a person." Jess grabs the remote and decreases the volume. Morty is just babbling now.

"Why wouldn't he like you as a person?"

"Because I'm me." The girl who fiddles with string and says everything on her mind. The girl who had to wear a helmet when she was a kid because for some reason she just needed to constantly bang her head against the wall everytime she was upset.

Jess stares at me like she's waiting for me to say more. "That doesn't make sense."

Jess grabs the remote again. As she turns up the volume she speaks. "I like you as a person, I'm sure he does too." And with that she goes back to watching the show and smiling every now and then.

I go upstairs and sit on my bed with Big boi following me. I dial Jamari's number and he picks up on the second ring. His voice is ruff as usual like just woke up even though it's 4pm. Maybe he did just wake up because he told me over text he takes naps after his shift at El pollo loco. "Yo, what's good?"

The same worries I was thinking about on the couch I speak to him. "Do you like me or do you just want to fuck me?" I hear a small laugh on the other end and I think he might be with other people putting the phone on speaker and laughing with a bunch of guys who are just like his brother. Some times it's hard to believe he's only talking to me because he likes talking to me and not just because he wants to make fun of me like he did in summer camp.

"Yo, are you serious?" he asks.

"Yes I'm serious, theres no way that could've been a joke." More thoughts come to my mind. "And when I say do you like me, I mean like my complete personality. Or are you just being a guy and putting up with me so you can fuck me."

The softness in his voice leaves. "Didn't I wipe your tears?" He asks. Big boi barks at my feet.

I look down at my nails and play with the string in my hand. I remember the night outside the community center, but go back to what I asked. "You're not answering my question."

"Because I don't want to." I picture him standing over me with that smirk he wears so proudly. "Did I wipe your tears."

"Yes."

"Did I calm you down after you beat Hanna's ass?"

"Yes, but-" His voice stops me and I know if we were in person he would be getting closer to me making me smell his cologne.

"No buts, Did I tell you about what happened to me in Juvy?"

"Yes."

Theres some rumbling on the other line. "Does that answer your question? Or do I have to spell it out for you, A person who just wants to fuck you wouldn't do all of those things."

I play with my string. "Fine," I say and hang up.

Seconds later he calls back. He's almost laughing. "You're mad because I'm right. Huh?"

"I said Fine."

"If It makes you feel better, I do want to fuck you."

A smile and stop fiddling with the string. "Good."