𝖮𝖴𝖱 𝖫𝖮𝖵𝖤 𝖲𝖤𝖱𝖨𝖤𝖲 #2
She was addicted to a type of sadness that pulled her deeper into her hole. She changed herself because of her hanging past. He avoided the dark parts of his life, doesn't mean the darkness didn't loom over him.
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BRIANNA
I look up to the grey walls that surround me, they all seem to be moving but remain stationary. The big clock that sits at the top of the stairs reads 8:09 am and I wait for mother to walk in. The click of her heels on the cool tile make my stomach drop and I get up lazily. My eyes can not stay open and my throat is dry, I can feel the after effects taking place.
My heart feels desolate to my body and it pains not to have it here. I take in a deep breath as I relish in the familiar feeling. My head throbbing, while I close my eyes and try to consume this feeling before it goes away. I love it so much it hurts, physically and mentally but not emotionally.
I open my eyes once more and see mother walking into the foyer and to the dinner table to grab her things. She glances at me for a mere second before proceeding to pack her items in her briefcase.
"You look like shit." She said in the meanest way possible. She was never one to handle the truth with roses, if ever. She told it to you straight up.
"Is it the fucking drugs again, Brianna?" She asks, her voice raises and her hand placed on her hip. I screw my eyes shut and grimace at the sound it makes in my ear, drilling and piercing through my ears.
"You are so loud." I whisper carefully as I start to hear my own breathing. A moment of silence passes and I open my eyes to my mother still standing by the dinner table, observing me.
All of a sudden she moves closer to me, getting really close. I bring out my hand to her face and check if she's real but my hand goes through her. I gasp and that makes my head throb even more. My heart still not present but somehow pumping blood and other substances into my body.
I look to my hands and they seem different to earlier set. I hear the rushed click of heels and I look up to mother and see her heading for the large oak door. I follow after her very slowly, my steps feel heavy and sloppy. I feel my chest heaving up and down, making it harder to breath. My pants quickly turn to quick short breaths and my heart connects with my body once again. The feeling I dreaded has appeared, numbness.
I hate to feel numb, because then I don't feel anything at all. A human should feel emotion and if I don't then I'm not...real. I want to be real and connect with the world but if I don't feel emotion then my connection suffers. That is how it's been for the past two years; I feel happy and then I get guilty, I take drugs to feel pain and then I regret the numb after.
I actually enjoy the pain, it's pretty relaxing. The way my heart drops and disconnects with my body makes my mind sing and the way I can feel my subconscious beating me up for taking drugs, their words cut through my thin skin like a blade on my wrist. I need it. It fills me up, call me sadistic but it does.
