no matter what decision your heart makes, I will be waiting for you...

Part 37

3 missed voice calls from Tom and 7 missed from Harrison. Plus dozens of messages from Harrison which I ignored throughout the night and distracted myself with Makeyah by watching episode after episode of Friends. When I saw Tom's name floating on my screen, I was a little curious, not gonna lie. But I was also broken. I wanted to talk to him, but at the same time I wanted to yell at him, I wanted to hug him and kiss him, but at the same time I wanted to throw things at him and tell him never to come back. I wanted to tell him that I love him, but at the same time that I hate him, if only I wouldn't know that I'd be lying....
"Y/N, you okay?" makeyah asked me at the breakfast table. I nod, not caring about anything. She continued to eat her egg but I was not hungry. I bit into my bread a few times, but that was it. I put my plate away in the kitchen before I went to the shower. When I was alone in the shower again, I let a tear or two escape my eye. It didn't really matter though, you couldn't see them anyway. And I really did my best not to think about Tom, yes I really did, but still the countless times he made me laugh, hugged me like there was no one else in his life and made me feel special, repeated themselves in my head...

Tom's pov

I watched, I watched as the love of my life got into the taxi and drove away from me while tears flowed down my cheek. As if Cassie didn't know what it was all about, she wrapped her arms around my waist, trying to comfort me, but I was too angry. Not at Y/N, hell not even at Cassie, but at me. How could I be so stupid as to let go of the only person I love, the only person I know is good for me, the only person that belongs to me?
So yeah, anger took over my body and pushed Cassie away from me. She didn't fall, just stumbled back a few steps. I stormed back into the building, too angry and sad to have the patience to wait for the lift now, so I ran up the stairs with Cassie apparently following in the lift. I slammed open our flat door, startling Harrison and Jenna a little, but I didn't care, I stormed straight into my room and ripped the drawer I kept mine and Y/N's pictures in, out of my desk and slammed it against the wall, sending all the pictures flying across my room. Every single memory in pictures slowly fell to the ground, one after the other. Like the picture at the fair, for example. Harrison, Jenna, Y/N and I thought it would be a cool idea to go to the fair. When we got there, the first thing that caught Y/N's eyes was the big teddy bear holding a heart. But to win it, you had to knock over all the cans with the first throw of the tennis ball. As good as impossible. But she looked at me with those big puppy eyes and I just couldn't resist. Mean as I was, I told her I could never win. Her sad and disappointed look afterwards broke my heart, but it was all part of the plan. Because when Harrison went on the horse carousel with Y/N, and Jenna was watching, I excused myself to go to the bathroom. I must have spent about 50 dollars to win this teddy bear, but after 25 long minutes I won it, sadly also lost track of time. When I came back, they were no longer there. It took me another 10 minutes to find them again, but I eventually caught them just as they were about to get on the Ferris wheel. Harrison and Jenna were already inside one of the gandolas and about to lift off the ground, while Y/N was just finding her seat in the next gondola. I just managed to jump into her gondola as well, with the teddy bear covering my entire upper body. I could feel her twitching in fright as my figure with the teddy bear stood in front of her.
"For you !" I said. No answer at first, until all of a sudden
"Tom???" she exclaimed once she realised that I was the figure with the teddy in front of her. I tilted my head a little to the side and looked over the shoulders of the big teddy only to look into her sparkling eyes. She was beside herself as she looked at the teddy's heart.
"Oh my god. Did you get that for me?" she asked and took the teddy bear in her arms, giving it a big hug.
"I mean... yeah, you could say that" I played it off cool, shrugged my shoulders. Well, long story short. When we were in the gondola in the air and could look over the fair, I took out my mobile phone and took a photo of her and the teddy. I just had to capture her shining eyes that evening on picture. She is so beautiful....

I lost myself in thought while my eyes were fixed on the picture on the floor. My bedroom door opened and I felt Cassie's presence in the room, yet I didn't dared to look up with my red eyes as I was still reminiscing.
"Tom! what was that?!" I could understand the anger in her voice. I pushed her away from me without her knowing what it was about. I'm sure it looked like a simple argument in her eyes. Yet, it was not.
"Answer me!" She became impatient and shouted even louder at me. A tear rolled down my cheek.
'Answer me' Y/N giggled when I accidentally ignored her. I looked up from my phone and smiled warmly at her.
'Sorry, what did you say Darling?' I asked and gave her my full attention.
'I asked if you want t........'
"Thomas I m-" she wanted to grumble at me again, but this time I interrupted her.
"Shut up Cassie!!! Why didn't you ever write to me?!! Every day I waited for a call or even a message to pop up on my phone from you but I never got one. You ignored me like I didn't exist anymore!!! where the fuck were you?!!!" I shouted at her as my anger took over my body. Maybe I was a little too harsh with her, because when I saw tears building up in her innocent eyes, I felt guilty, like I had to apologise for what I had just said, but I had no chance of that.
"What are you talking about?!! my mobile phone broke right after I arrived. When I got a new one, the first thing I did was write you a message. But for some strange reason, they never arrived. I must have called you a thousand times over the last few weeks which didn't work either because it always said you hung up on me!!!!" and then it clicked in my head. All the calls I've received in the last few weeks, maybe even months have been from her. Never from Michael like I always thought. They weren't from anyone else but from her... All this was my fault, maybe if I'd taken the calls... I would never have fallen in love with Y/N. And all this would have never happened. Maybe it's the right decision for me to stay with Cassie instead of Y/N. She is a goal I will never reach, or could even reach with Harrison in the way.
"Cassie, I'm so sorry..." I tried to apologise while I took a few steps towards her to hug her. Oddly enough, she even let me. She cried into my shoulder while I also let a tear or two run, but not for her. As much as I try to convince myself that Cassie might be the one for me, deep down I know that the love I felt for Y/N is different. I have never felt as much for anyone as I do for her, and all the memories just won't leave my mind. After a while Cassie and I calmed down again. She made 2 cups of tea for us while I collected the pictures of Y/N and put them in a box. I couldn't risk Cassie seeing them again, so I put them on top of my wardrobe, which she could never reach because of her heigh. I was already lucky that she didn't notice the pictures just now.
We cuddled in my bed, the back of her head on my chest, her body in between my legs and my arm underresting just shortly below her chest with the cup of tea in my hand. Maybe Cassie and I won't be together forever, but for now, she's a good distraction. God I sound like such an ass, and I probably am, but how else can I be? my feelings are playing with my head. At some point Cassie fell asleep... That evening I tried to reach Y/N three more times, hoping she would forgive me, but she never picked up. And each time I ran from the balcony back to my dark room, doing my best to keep Cassie from waking up. My thumb hovered over the keyboard of her chat room a few more times, but I didn't write her any more messages. I would certainly only come across as desperate. Apart from the 3 calls...
This night I didn't even manage to fall asleep without Y/N by my side. I looked out of my window and into the stars, which were strangely visible today. My thoughts just wouldn't stop thinking about Y/N. Every single second of the last few months played in my head. Every time she smiled, looked into my eyes, blinked her eyelashes, shook her hair or bit her lip because she was nervous about something... It all replayed in my head again, as if it was the first time.