no matter what decision your heart makes, I will be waiting for you...

Part 36

There I stood, under the gray clouds while the cold rain drops splashed on my still warm skin. Hot tears flowed down my cheek as my blood red eyes stared at the ground.
"What?!" I asked as my voice broke down.
"please don't do it, please don't run away now..." he spoke up with pain. I could hear it, his pain. I could hear his pain. Yet I did not turn around. I can't look him in the eye, not now. I just can't.
"Why?" I questioned as my eyes still stared tilted at the puddle of rain in front of me.
"Why?! Because... because I love you Y/N!" Tom shouted as tears streamed down his cheeks and his eyes became puffy red. "And I can't lose you" he explained as he tried to approach me from behind with slow steps. But now, I turned around, stopped him from approaching by taking a few steps back. The pain in his eyes was hard to explain, but the pain in my eyes was indescribable.
"And what if I told you it's already too late?" I asked emotionlessly. Not even a tear on my face was really visible in the rain, but even though it was raining I could still see the tears in his eyes.
"then I don't believe you. Y/N you can't tell me that what we had, all the dates and memories we created, meant nothing to you." And that was when the door opened behind him and Cassie stepped out. She crossed her arms as she watched what was going on between her boyfriend and me, but I just shook my head slowly. My gaze over his shoulder focused one last time on his eyes, which still didn't notice his girlfriend behind him.
"Then maybe it's the right time to say goodbye to the memories, don't you think?" It hurts to see his heart shattering into a thousand pieces, but I knew that him and I wouldn't work out. Maybe we did create memories in the last months... yeah, but with Cassie, he has so much more. We'll never have what they already had, we'll never get to the point where they already are, and we'll never get to the love they already shared.
He just stared at me, his red eyes straight into my soul as if he hadn't understood what I had just said, but deep down he did. He just didn't want to take in what I said. It wasn't the end for him, but it was for me, at least for now.
"Goodbye Tom" I said, as Cassie came up behind him and put her hand on his shoulder. A last tear ran down my cheek before I took a few steps back and got into the next best taxi. I told the taxi driver the address of a friend of mine. Her name is makeyah. It stands for makeaa and makea in turn is Finnish and means sweet. She lives just outside New York in a small suburb in a cosy little house. Back then, she was my bestfriend... sadly we kind of drifted apart, but we both know that we can always count on each other, and that's how it was now. I told her on the way about what happened between Tom and me and she understood. She didn't doubt for a second to tell me that I could stay with her for the next few weeks if I wanted to, but honestly, I don't know what I am going to do next. I feel so fucked up... But I didn't cry, I felt numb. I mean, I was so sure that Tom and I would work out, but here we were, me in a taxi on my way to a friend's house, and him with his girlfriend. That's how it was supposed to be I guess...
When I looked out of the window and saw myself slowly moving away from the city and the city lights slowly fading away, fear built up inside me. One of my fears is darkness. That's why I like the city so much. The lights never go out here. There is always some window that is still brightly lit. Both day and night, it's bright here, whether it's from the sun or people's flats. I never feel alone. The only ones who ever knew about my fear were Harrison and Tom...

~flashback~

It thundered against the windows while one lightning bolt after another appeared in the dark sky. Several streets had power outages, including mine, which meant everything was dark. I look out of my window while my body trembles under the covers. My cheeks already teary red with fear. Something triggered total fear in me but my brother is with Jenna this night, I can hardly ask him to help me calm down. And Tom... I don't know, he would probably think I'm a little kid who's afraid of the dark and thunderstorms. Speaking of Tom, at that moment my bedroom door opens and Tom is standing in the doorway in his grey sweatpants and black T-shirt.
"Hey, I just wanted to-" Even though it was dark in the room, Tom recognised the outline of my body and therefore also saw how I was hiding under the covers. He stopped talking and quickly made his way over to my side of the bed where he knelt down. "Y/N, Darling hey" he tried to calm me down, stroking his palm carefully over my blanket-covered head. "what's wrong?" his fingertips carefully lifted the edge of the blanket a little to see my face, and when he did, he also saw my frightened red eyes. "Y/N, baby please" Baby, that was the first time he called me that, and it gave me a few butterflies in my stomach even though I was totally scared. Yet it helped a little.
"It is so dark Tom, so incredibly dark." I stuttered slowly in a whisper, making his eyes grow wide with concern.
"Are you afraid of the darkness?" he asked me still with the raised piece of blanket in his hand. I nod. "Do you want to come to my room? Then you won't be alone." he asked once again, stroking my cheek with the thumb of his other hand. I shook my head, muttering a quiet no. I didn't want to bug him, he'd certainly rather be alone in his big bed than looking after me. "And what if I tell you that I'm scared too, and I want you to lie in bed with me so that I'm no longer scared? would you help me?" he asked with a sweet smile on his lips. Tom knew I said no because I didn't want to be a burden to him, but he also knew how to get me around anyway.
"yeah, probably..." I whispered. A grin formed on his lips. He stood up, pulled the cold blanket, which nevertheless gave me a little warmth, off my body and reached under my legs and arms, lifting me up. I immediately wrapped my arms around his neck and nuzzled my nose into the crook of his neck. Once in his room, he gently placed me down on his bed. He grabbed his king size blanket in his fingers and covered me up.
"You don't have to do that, you know... I mean all the taking care and stuff. I'm old enough" I tried to reassure him as he paced around his room, rummaging through drawers. His eyes flickered up.
"I know" was all he said until 15 seconds later a lighter lit up and I could see Tom's face for the first time this evening. He concentrated on the candle he was holding in his hand while he tried to light it with the lighter in his other hand. The orange candlelight flickered in his eyes like the stars in the sky. Beautifully... He lit 3 candles, one of which he placed on the dresser and the other 2 next to the television in front of the bed.
In some type of way they romanticised the room, through their warm colours and the flickering of their shadowy flames.
Tom crawled into bed next to me and lifted the blanket over his legs until we were both under the covers. It was a bit quiet at first, no one spoke up as we both just looked at the ceiling. Only when another thunder came and I flinched a little did he turn to me to take my little hand, which was lying on my stomach, in his soft fingertips.
"It's okay to be scared Y/N. We all have our fears. Sometimes courage is the ability to face your fears, not hide them." he told me, which made me think. For a moment I even stopped hearing the thunder until another one came and I quickly hid under the covers.
"I got you, I got you darling." He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me up from under the blanket onto his chest. His hand brushed over my hair while his other stroked my back, which immediately calmed me down. Somehow he has an effect on me that no one else has, as if no one could protect me the way he does, because every time I am near him I feel safe and secure.
"Try to get some sleep, all right darling? I'll stay awake and hold you in my arms. I'll rub your back until you fall asleep and make sure nothing happens to you." he said. It were those words that showed me that what we had, was not just a silly game, but that I was really beginning to love him. For the way he talked to me, looked after me, protected me and touched me like I'm a princess. HE made me feel like a princess...

If I could go back to that point of time again, I probably would. I would enjoy every single second he held me in his arms and promised me things as if it were my last seconds. It's pathetic how much I fell in love with him where it all started as friends with benefits. Nothing more than a hook up here and there, and now look where it got me. I've allowed feelings that I shouldn't have. Feelings for my brother's best friend.

I paid the taxi driver when he parked in front of makeyah's house and got out. She was already standing in the doorway of her house with her arms open, ready to embrace me. Which I gladly accepted. I hugged her, not even noticing the need I had. She held me in her arms for a few minutes while I sniffled into her shoulder and let the tears run.
"I'm so sorry sweetheart..." she told me in a warm welcoming voice while her hand ran soothingly over my back.
It wasn't the fact that Tom was now with Cassie that I was crying about, it was the fact that it happened so quickly. All I wanted was one last time to feel his soft lips on mine, one last time together on a date, one last time his strong arms around my body, one last time his hot breath on my face, one last time his hazel dark eyes on mine, one last time his love.... But not the way he said it. Not when it was too late... and only now that I think about it, I realize that I could have changed it all... If I had said those three words earlier, maybe everything would have been different. I. Love. You. 3 simple words that can be so heavy...