no matter what decision your heart makes, I will be waiting for you...

chapter 14

What can I say, it's now 10:39 pm and I'm sitting next to tom on the couch while we watch friends and eat our food. It is not particularly tense, Tom sits delicious with his plate on the couch, while his gaze is focused on the TV. I, on the other hand, have just finished and put my plate in front of me on the couch table. I giggled when a funny part came up and I could swear I saw tom looking at me for a moment, but not angry or arrogant, more like cute with his brown puppy eyes.
2 minutes later tom got up, I didn't really notice but he took my plate and brought the dirty dishes into the kitchen. Out of the corner of my eye I could see him leaning on the kitchen island, looking at me, but I was too busy and only concentrated on the series. After 5 minutes I notice that tom is no longer there, I turn around to the kitchen island but he is not there either.
So I get up and make my way to his room, his door is closed, only a small slit of light sparkles out from under the door, bringing light into the dark corridor. I knock 3 times, don't want to disturb him. When I didn't get an answer, I opened the door a little and stuck my head through the crack. There he was, lying on the bed, his head turned towards the window on the other side of the room. Even when he is lying with his back to the door, I know that his eyes are open and he can hear and see everything that is happening around him.
"Hey" I mumbled as I walked in and slowly closed the door behind me. He didn't response.
"Is everything all right? We can watch something else if you want" I try again but his back remains turned towards me and he doesn't say anything either. If I were to be very quiet, the only thing I would hear would be his soft breathing. I sit down at the end of the bed where his feet are, wait until he says something. We sit on the bed in silence for a minute. While I try to look at him, try to imagine what he is thinking or what is going on inside his head.
"You know you can talk to me if something has happened" I try again, he says nothing but I see him shake his head into the pillow. No. As response, but I don't give up, maybe I just have to be pushy to get him to talk to me, so I lie down in front of him, now his eyes are staring straight into mine as we lie face to face, both of us on our sides, my head on a second pillow. We stare at each other again in silence for a minute, he doesn't look away from my eyes for a single second, he doesn't even blink. He looks at me as if he were frozen, so do I.
The moon makes his eyes sparkle and his nose twitch now and then when he breathes in. I catch myself studying every single detail of his gorgeous face, even though I already know everything.
"Are you sure you don't want to talk to me?" I whisper and he nods. I put my hand on his cheek and run little circles under his eye with my thumb, it's daring, he might flinch, maybe even kicks me out of his room but he does nothing, he continues to look into my eyes as my hand lies on his cheek.
Maybe I should give up asking him to talk to me, at least for now. He looks like he needs rest, like he doesn't want me there at all, but doesn't want to say anything either. So I slowly take my hand off his cheek and sit up.
"I really don't want to bug you, so I... will go back to my room" He looks up into my eyes, still saying nothing, so I just stand up and make my way out, but before I can take a step I feel his hand on my wrist, firm and desperate. Confused, I turn to him and look at him as his eyes also look desperate to find words to say.
I sit down on the bed again, while in the meantime he also sits up to be at eye level with me. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw his hand go up to my face, he gently touched my cheek as if he was afraid I would flinch, but I did not. I let him put his hand on my cheek.
His eyes twitch back and forth between my lips and my eyes. I didn't know exactly what was happening until he leaned in, pressed his lips to mine and closed his eyes. I was shocked for a moment, didn't kiss him back and looked like a puffer fish into his closed eyes, but not even a second later I relaxed an kissed him back, slowly with passion. His tongue found its way into my mouth but not in an aggressive way. It was soft... He kissed soft... as if I were a piece of glass that would break if he would touch it. With his hand on my cheek he presses me even closer to him, deepens the kiss as much as he can. Unfortunately, it didn't last long, at least it didn't feel long. After a minute he pulls back from the kiss and stares deeply into my eyes.
"Please don't go..." he whispers with the biggest puppy eyes in the world against my mouth, our noses are almost touching and his hand is still on my cheek. I was so absorbed in his eyes and the little twinkle in them that I almost forgot to answer, but I did after about 15 seconds, with a nod.
"Okay" I added through a mumble.
He doesn't hesitate long before he reconnects his lips with mine. This time we lay down but never broke the kiss. We continued kissing until we were both lying on the bed, my head on his pillow, his hand on my waist in the meantime. Maybe it's wrong that we're kissing, maybe I'll regret it later, or even worse, he'll regret it later. In the night I often do things that I regret the next morning even if I am not drunk. At least I haven't heard anything about his girlfriend for a long time, so I'm not thinking much about that right now, probably because I'm not thinking about it in general. And while I'm kissing Tom, it feels like I'm in a different universe, all the worries I had are gone, the only thing I felt were the butterflies that were going crazy in my stomach, yet there was a thought in the back of my head, 'does he feel the same way as I do?' After a while we both gasped for air while looking at each other with a broad smile. I still wonder what is going on in his head that he kissed me. But let's be honest, if I ask now, I would ruin the moment we are having right now. Now he's the one looking at me like he's studying my face for every single detail, and I'm a little uncomfortable, afraid that he maybe thinks that I'm not pretty or something like that. But the thoughts flew by when he laid his hand on my cheek, which without hesitation triggered butterflies in me.
"You are so beautiful" He whispered, I felt his breath against my face and I couldn't help but blush. Luckily the room is dark, so he surely couldn't see my red cheeks. He looked me in the eye for a few more minutes while he stroked my cheek with his thumb, but then I made the mistake of asking something.
"What about your girlfriend ?" I know I ruined the moment, I shouldn't have asked it, but when we looked into each other's eyes I realised that it would only hurt me even more if we had such a beautiful night and the next day he would be on the phone again with his girlfriend, writing or even talking about her, ignoring me like I'm nothing. I don't want him to play with me or kiss me just because he misses his girlfriend. I don't want to be a game to him, surely he knows how much I like him...
Not even a second after I asked,
his hand disappeared from my cheek and he turned on his back, staring at the ceiling.
"Do you had to start with her?" Now his voice is no longer the sweet innocent puppy voice, it is like the boss voice again, grumpy and powerful. Scares me a little.
"N-No I'm sorry..." I quickly apologise and look down to where my legs are. I don't want to see the look on his face, which surely wants to get rid of me now, because I don't want to leave. It feels right to lie next to him, to receive the warmth of his body and breathe in the scent of his cologne.
When his gaze went back to me, but his chest remained up to the ceiling, I looked up at him too. I was almost sure he would say something like 'please go out, I need to sleep' but he didn't, he took a deep breath and let it out in a heavy gasp.
"Can we... just cuddle, and I don't know..." I noticed how he hardly knew what to say, but so that it wouldn't be awkward, I spoke before he could say anything else... Anything wrong that would hurt me.
"Of course Tom" He let out a relieved smile, then put his arm under my head, pulling me closer to him. I laid my head on his warm chest. When his body began to hold me more weakly, I thought he had fallen asleep, so I put my thigh on his stomach.
Cautiously, I thought I had made it and he hadn't noticed me, but then I felt his right hand under my knee/thigh, pulling me higher and closer to him. His grip on me tightened as if he didn't want to let me go. I listened to his heartbeat for a while, which was slow and relaxed, and at the same time I relaxed too, so when I heard his quiet breathing, I let sleep take control of my body.

•I'm sorry this part comes so late, I've had a busy week but I hope the next part will be normal next week on wednesday again•