✅ My Cousin's Keeper [NaNoWriMo 2021]

35. My Moment of Triumph

"I can't believe..." Tess mumbled. She seemed hesitant now, and I was worried that she was going to get nervous and call the whole thing off. It was understandable that she would be nervous, and if she'd only agreed in order to get me to try, she might wonder if her participation was still needed. I wanted to say something, to reassure her or give her a little more pressure to go through with it. After coming so close, I couldn't let a chance to see her as the little one go to waste. But I knew that Ffrances would be watching now, being very careful with our mental and emotional states. I couldn't say anything that would give her a reason to worry.

"Come on, let's get changed so we can play," I said, practically bouncing in my seat. Now it was so close that I couldn't control my excitement, and I couldn't imagine getting in trouble for that. It would only help to convince Ffrances that I was feeling how she had told me to.

"Are you okay, Tess?" Ffrances asked, ignoring me for just a moment.

"Yeah, it's just... I must have blanked it completely. I don't remember anything you said. We were sitting down, and you put that thing on the table. And you said we were going to stare at it when you started it, but then... I didn't even realise that we'd done it. Like my last memory before and my first memory after don't match up, but I can't see where the gap is. I guess that's what you were talking about before, right?"

"Exactly. I could help you to remember it, if it would give you more confidence. Some people do forget a trance automatically, but it's always possible to give a nudge in the right direction. Some breadcrumbs your mind can follow if you want to understand the details."

I nodded, and tried to reassure her too. I already knew that much, and it was a different kind of fun when you knew what was going to happen but couldn't stop it. I really hoped I could find some way to convince her to just give it a try; because that would make it so much easier for me in future, but I could work with whatever it took to make her go through with this. I only got a few words out before Tess spoke again.

"No, it's fine," she said. "It's... amazing. I thought it was all just like positive thinking, like when you're playing along with something you get carried away a little more than you thought. But really not remembering something... I've talked to people who've done it before, but I was taking it with a pinch of salt. If you can really do things like that, there's something else I was going to ask about. Before I lose my nerve. They say hypnosis can help you relax and sleep better. And I've not had the best sleep lately. I think it might be because of stress. And... I don't know if you noticed when I do the laundry, but..." Her voice faded into silence, and she was blushing crimson now.

"Is this about the bedwetting thing?" Ffrances asked, raising an eyebrow. Tess glanced up at me, seeingly shocked. I'd promised her that I wouldn't say anything to Ffrances until Tess felt she could ask herself; and now it would look like her trust in me had been misplaced. What could I say? But after a momentary glance she just whimpered and started staring at her own fingers like they were the most interesting thing in the world. Ffrances saw the embarrassment, and continued: "I guessed a little. I'm pretty good at noticing what's going on around me, as well as people's emotional states. I asked if Gabby had been paying attention, and she said no. So I think she wanted to keep your secret. But I know she's tried looking up things, about what hypnosis can help with. Trying to do the research without just asking me, even though she knows I could find an answer faster. And I think I have a pretty good idea of what you're asking for."

Finally, I could let out the breath I'd been holding. Of course Ffrances knew that I was telling her things I'd promised not to. And she would tell a white lie, because she knew that something like this would be hard for Tess to discuss even without a new roadblock cutting down her trust.

"Yeah. I just... I want to be able to sleep better. I want to be able to relax. And I don't know, I think stopping might not be a realistic option. But I'd like to have more control over it, if that's possible."

I could have cheered then. All the embarrassment, and speaking in euphemisms, had led her to say something that could be very easy to misinterpret. With some luck, Ffrances could see this as an attempt to justify what I'd already told her Tess wanted. And I knew that Ffrances wouldn't force her to confront words that were making her visibly uncomfortable. She had to engage with Tess using her own vocabulary, just like she'd told me she did with her patients.

"I'm sure Ffrances can help you," I said. "Trust me, you'll be sleeping better in no time."

"Yes, perhaps I can. I have looked into it, and I'm pretty sure I can help with that. I could probably get you to stop, but not without detrimental effects on your emotional health in the long term. If you have some unaddressed stresses and anxieties, it would be negligent of me to help mask that. Making you stop would be harmful, if you didn't first see a professional about resolving the underlying issues. But... allowing you to have a little more control, something that can help you some nights when you think it's important, I think I could do. Of course, you're talking about a reflexive function, which might not always be under the control of the brain, so the efficacy of the suggestions could vary. But there's some research to suggest that giving control to an external agency can make it easier to have actual control. If that makes sense."

"Like in rehab?" Tess mumbled. "They say you have to trust in a higher power. Because it's more likely to stick than if you try to straighten yourself out just by willpower." I made a mental note to ask her how she knew that; I wouldn't have expected her to know anything about something like that, but I knew it could be left until later.

"Exactly. And if you can trust us, perhaps we can be your higher power. But... this isn't something to bring up now. Immediately after coming out of trance, you will always be a little less inhibited than usual, and a little more trusting. It's one of the side effects, and so you should never agree to another suggestion in that state. Even if it's the easiest time to bring it up." Tess nodded, seeming a little disappointed in the answer. But I knew just what to say to cheer her up again:

"So we can talk about it later. When we're all grown up again, after we see what Auntie Ffrances has planned for us."

"Yes! Thank you!"