✅ My Cousin's Keeper [NaNoWriMo 2021]

31. My Masterplan

I had an early start in the morning, getting breakfast ready. I could hear the ping of bed springs from Tess's room as I passed; she was stripping her bed. I wondered if that was just because it was a week since she'd cleaned the sheets, or if her diaper had leaked. Or, perhaps, she'd been even more sleepy than we'd realised. She'd fallen asleep in front of a movie the night before, a family drama about the son of a mafia boss, and I'd had to shake her shoulder until she woke up, just to urge her to go to bed. In the circumstances, it wouldn't have surprised me if she fell asleep again without properly protecting herself. That would be even better, I supposed. A little more embarrassing, and if she was worried about me finding out, she might give herself the first push towards wearing them during the evening as well.

I didn't call out, just went downstairs. I didn't say anything after breakfast either, when she dashed up to her room and brought down a bag of laundry. She wanted to hide her accident from me, and I thought that stubborn independent streak was adorable. I should have reprimanded her, given her one little push towards accepting her state as the baby. But I had other objectives today, and I needed her to be cooperative. So I didn't say anything about her soaked sheets, and waited until the machine was spinning before I spoke again.

Luckily for me, Ffrances had to pick up some things from the office. Perhaps the metronome she loved so much, just in case Tess found her courage and requested the hypnosis session that we knew she was building up her courage for. Or maybe something related to her plans for the day, once she revealed the photo I'd given her. Either way, it was convenient because it meant I could talk to Tess, and make sure that she gave the right answers when Ffrances asked the questions we had agreed on.

I started by apologising for not trusting her judgement the night before, and for pushing her boyfriend away. I told her that I would do my best to make it up to him. If he wanted to come round again, maybe I could stay out of the way and leave Ffrances as their chaperone. I felt like I was betraying my principles even by saying it. The cryptic hints at his family told me that they were on the wrong side of the law, and the fact that he was going after such a young girl proved to me exactly what kind of pervert he was. But I reminded myself that he wouldn't get any closer to Tess even if I gave them my seal of approval; he was sure to lose interest the first time she wet her pants in front of him. She wouldn't listen to my advice, so I needed to make sure that he would realise sooner rather than later that she was too young even for his tastes.

Then we went through to the lounge, with coffee mugs in hand, so that I could explain what I really wanted. I told her quickly enough that Ffrances had been tidying up the box room, and that there were a lot of old things in there from my family. And I revealed that I knew she had taken the photograph. It had been taped on the outside of the box, after all. Ffrances loved me, and she would have to find it funny to see some of my childhood memories. I just knew that she was going to ask if I wanted to dress up in the clothes on top of that box, and try to relive a moment of my youth. I said Ffrances would find it funny, and I was pretty sure that was true. But then I also said that I really wanted to try that, thinking that imagining myself as a child would be a break from all my responsibilities. That wasn't true, but it gave me a chance to prime Tess, talking about a bunch of different reasons that might lie behind her desire to be a little. If I was the one saying those things, she would surely find it easier to admit the same feelings to me.

But still she didn't say anything, just suggested I was lucky to have a girlfriend who would indulge my fantasies like that. That was my cue to admit the big problem. I said that I was scared to admit to Ffrances that I wanted those things. I said that I couldn't bring myself to say it; which I knew Tess would sympathise with. Especially when the things she'd not confessed to me this morning would still be weighing on her mind. And I asked her to be the one who said it. I spun it like a narrative, making everything seem reasonable. Being able to pretend I was a kid again would let me have more fun, and not worry so much about what people thought. But worrying what my girlfriend thought was stopping me getting there. So if Tess were to look at the photo and say she wished she could be that age again, maybe Ffrances would think of ways she could achieve that. And if one of them asked me to do the same, there would be no shame in playing along with the kid's ideas. I could get what I really wanted, without my own pride holding me back.

I told Tess she didn't need to be embarrassed either. Of course she didn't; it would be something she was doing for me. Pretending she was interested, just until I could get what I wanted. She could play along when it was for someone else's benefit, couldn't she? Just like taking on a role in the school play, her character's confession wouldn't reflect on her personally. Of course, I knew that once she was getting into her little headspace, it would be harder to deny that it was really what she wanted. Especially on the off chance I could convince Ffrances that Tess had agreed to using hypnosis to enhance the fantasy. But I pitched it to Tess just as a game, something she could play along with for my sake and then never think about again.

She was reluctant. Of course she was. But I promised that I would do anything she wanted if she just let me have this one thing. Assuming that Ffrances really was thinking of what I thought she was thinking – which gave me a big smile. Of course I knew what Ffrances was going to suggest, because I'd asked her to propose it. But Tess didn't need to know that now, and it only made it easier to coach her for the upcoming conversation.

When she gave a reluctant nod and said she'd think about it, I was overjoyed.

"Thank you," I whispered, and the tears in my eyes were real. This was something I had dreamed of for so long, and my dreams were finally coming true. Tess must have been able to tell just how much this meant to me, even if she didn't quite see the same perspective I had on the life ahead of her. Finally, I knew that everything was going perfectly. She would be my baby before long, and the path that led there was a carefully prepared slippery slope, for which I had carefully planned every step along the way.