✅ My Cousin's Keeper [NaNoWriMo 2021]

39. My Inner Child

"Auntie Ffrances!" Tess called out, and I looked down at the grass, hoping the ground would open up and swallow me. I'd just made her into a little baby so she would have an accident in her pants, but that hadn't made it any easier for me to hold it. Maybe I should have tried making myself a bigger girl first, but I didn't know the magic words for that. I couldn't think of anything else to do, so I pulled up little handfuls of grass and tried to cover myself, maybe so Ffrances wouldn't be able to see what happened.

"Is something wrong, baby?" Ffrances called, and I tried even harder. I knew it wouldn't work, but I couldn't just stop and give up.

"She said I'm two!" Tess said, and pointed at me. "That's not nice!"

"Gabby? Is that true?"

"I just wanted her to be as little as me. So we can play! It was only one different!" I started counting my fingers again to make sure I got it right, but Ffrances didn't give me time. She was wagging a finger at me sternly, and a second later she stepped forward so her fingertip was only inches from my face.

"It looks like somebody had a little accident as well. Is that likely to happen again? Do I need to put you back in diapers like a little baby?"

"I didn't!" I wailed. "It was just... she tickled me! She was being mean." I was so proud of those words. It sounded like it might be true, and if Tess got the blame for me peeing then she'd still get in trouble when she had an accident. It couldn't be long. But Ffrances was being very serious today; she poked my head, and told me to answer again, and tell her the truth.

"Yes I need diapers," I said, trying to take back the words as soon as I'd said them. But I didn't dare lie to Ffrances, and all I could do was try to justify it. "I can't hold it at all. But Tess will too she's going to do a wee soon! Make her wear diapers too."

"You seem very sure of yourself. Why is that?"

"She kept tickling me and I wanted her to be littler so I can be mean to her too. I told her she's two and she can't hold it."

"I see," she nodded, and pulled her finger away. Then she turned back to Tess. She explained what I'd said, and that she wanted to put us both back in diapers. Ffrances was smiling, she thought that might be a cute picture. I knew that would be embarrassing, but I didn't mind as long as I had those pictures of the big meanie too. But Ffrances asked Tess if it was okay; she didn't ask me. Just like always, siding with the older girl. And Tess started to shake her head.

"Okay then," Ffrances continued, and went on to tell Tess that she was seven again. She wasn't going to be a baby anymore unless she picked it. I pouted, but I knew I couldn't argue. And as she said it, I finally realised that she'd done something. Every time I told Tess that she couldn't run as fast, or she was going to be ticklish, or she was going to have an accident, it happened to me too. There was no way that was fair, but I knew it meant I had to stop saying things like that. But we were growing up a bit now, and I could think properly again. Depending what game we were going to play after, I was sure I could still find some way to embarrass her.

"And Gabby? While you've been talking so much about how you want to be bigger, I think you should find out what it's like when there's a real difference between you. You're not following Tess's age this time. You're her little sister, one and a half years old. You can't stand up without help, you can't hold anything without dropping it, and you're going to keep on feeling all of the things you told Tess to feel for the rest of the day. Understand?"

I looked up at her, and I nodded, but I didn't know what the words she was saying meant. They were all big words, and I would have to grow up before I could answer her.

Ffrances and Tess carried on talking, but I didn't know what they were saying. I could only wave my hands and babble. Ffrances walked away again and I tried to follow, but I fell down on my face again. It didn't hurt much but I was all muddy, and I just started crying. I didn't even think about it until later. I was crying like a baby and it seemed the most natural thing ever. Tess helped me up, and I grabbed at her clothes, but she just laughed.

When Ffrances came back she had a shopping bag with her, and I stared in delight, waiting to see what was going to come out of it. The first thing was a bottle of some kind, but it was hard to make out details when she kept moving. And then there was a small package, and then one thing I certainly recognised: a diaper. One of the ones I'd gotten for Tess, with a pattern of cute dinosaurs on. The pictures were so cute that I reached out automatically and tried to grab it, but it was still too far away. She said something to me, and I just laughed. I didn't understand the words and it didn't matter.

When she started tickling my tummy I giggled even more. And then she started unfastening my jeans and pulling them off. I kicked my legs to try to help, because I wanted the soggy material away from my skin. It didn't help much but it felt good that I was doing something to help. Then she rubbed me with something cold, and I shrieked in surprise before I went back to laughing. Baby wipes the words appeared in a corner of my mind, but it would be much later that I understood what the words meant. And then there was the diaper again, with the dinos on. I reached out for it, and then Ffrances unfolded it and I finally realised what was happening. She was going to put me in a diaper! That wasn't fair, and I tried telling her 'no'.

She didn't listen, but there was nothing I could do but keep sulking as she taped me into a diaper.