✅ My Cousin's Keeper [NaNoWriMo 2021]

50. My Epiphany

I woke up with dreams of being a baby. I found that I was smiling, imagining just how much fun it could be. Becoming completely innocent, and having nothing in the world to worry about. Then my perspective shifted; I realised that I'd had the same dream a few times before. It was one of the fantasies that had kept me from going mad during many an interminable meeting. But the point of view was different; this time I was seeing myself as Tess, and it was more than a little disquieting.

She would enjoy those experiences. She would love feeling like a child, no matter how much effort it took to get her there. But I wasn't a natural little. My inner child had died long ago, beaten into submission by an older boy who had been so sure he knew what was best for me. Or how to get what he wanted. There was no way now that I could enjoy being a child again, and I didn't want to. The thing that mattered to me was taking responsibility, and protecting Tess from going through what I had. The images in my mind showed her perfect existence, not mine. So why had my subconscious chosen to show me that perspective?

I sat up sharply, and found that I was breathing quickly, shallowly. That dream had gotten to me more than I thought. Was Ffrances trying to push me into a headspace that I didn't have? I glanced across at her, and I knew that wasn't the case. She'd promised not to try regression again until I asked for it, and she was always fair and honest. There were dommes and mistresses out there who would think only of what they wanted, and would do whatever they thought was right even while denying it, but I was sure Ffrances would never act like that. She would only give someone what they had asked for, whether as friends or in a relationship. That was why it had been so hard to get her into a situation where she would help me to give Tess what the little needed. No, this wasn't her doing.

It was just a thought in my mind, I decided. It had been over a week now since Tess had the first posthypnotic suggestions created in her mind, and I'd spent so much of that time trying to guess how Tess felt, what her little age was, and how close she was to regressing. My mind was full of those considerations, so it was only natural I would be able to imagine it. It had shown up in my dreams because I had spent so long imagining how she must feel. That scene would be heaven for her, and it was only a nightmare for me because I wasn't a little.

I realised that Ffrances was saying something. She had taken my hand, still half asleep, and was mumbling words into her pillow. I could tell from the tone that they were comforting.

"Don't worry, love," I muttered back, making an effort to steady my voice. "Just a bad dream. I was worrying about nothing."

"Nothing?"

"Well, I was worrying about... about me, I suppose."

"Right. And you're a long way from nothing. You're my everything. Want to talk about it?"

"No," I said. But I knew that she wouldn't want to imagine me hurting on the inside, so as she rolled over and looked up at me, I continued: "I imagined... I dreamed I was a little kid again. Like when we did that thing. Like I went back to being that little brat, and I had to watch Tess being... well, imagine the worst things that could happen to a little girl."

"You feel like it's your responsibility to protect her?"

"Yea– No, it's not that. It's that I want to protect her, and it's what she wants more than anything. And that I feel so alive when I see her being just a little childish in the mornings. But I don't want to see her go through what I did, not at her age. That's why it's different, I think. I said I couldn't cope with being regressed, but it wasn't really that. If you wanted to push me into that – just for a single session – I could probably cope. But Tess... I couldn't bear even thinking that she'd end up a victim. That she wouldn't have her littlespace, or wouldn't be able to accept it. That's the big thing, isn't it? We both want exactly the same thing, so if it doesn't happen it's devastating. It's not just missing out on something I want, it's feeling that we're both missing out on it. And if I was a teen again, or any age younger than that, I would be the kind of bully who couldn't help her."

"How about if you didn't need to help her? If you knew she was happy with changing roles?" I could see that she was trying to see a way around the problem. To gauge the shape of fantasies inside my head. But there was no point here; I already knew what my heaven would look like.

"No. She might do it if she thought it would please me, but she wouldn't enjoy it. We've talked about it enough to know that. She feels like she has to be a big girl, but it burns her up on the inside. And because I love giving people what they want, the people I care about... I'll be the little one's mommy. And I'll love every second of it. The other side doesn't appeal at all."

"How about if it were someone else? Like, if you were feeling childish, but you knew someone you could trust was still there to protect Tess?"

I just shook my head again. That nightmare had seemed so real, it made it hard to think about anything even remotely connected. And I knew it wasn't just about being helpless. It wasn't just about wanting to protect Tess. It wasn't just about the degradation. It was all of those things together; somewhere inside me, there was a heart with "Mommy" stamped all the way through. I was going to be a caregiver, and I was going to play with my little. It was one of the most rewarding things I could imagine, a dream I didn't want anyone to take away from me.

It was only confusing because there was another heart in there. The one that wanted the opposite; the side of me that needed Ffrances to dominate me, and to control me. A set of desires I couldn't even explain. I told myself it was because I loved her so much, because I wanted to please her so much, and I knew that she was a natural dominant through and through. But I knew really that wasn't the whole truth. It wasn't something so easy to explain; it was just a part of me, something that I had to feel or I wouldn't be me.

Once those words formed in my mind, I knew what I had to say. I didn't need to try justifying it anymore. I just said that was the way it was. It wasn't that there was anything wrong with being a baby; it just wasn't something I was comfortable with. And Ffrances, of course, she was happy to accept that. When she smiled back, I knew that was what she'd been trying to tell me all along. I didn't need to find excuses, or to explain why things were the way they were. Sometimes, an immutable piece at the core of your personality might be a certain need, and trying to justify it, or to find where it came from, would always be missing a piece of the bigger picture.

Ffrances would always be a dominatrix, taking control of everything around her. It was one of the facets that made her unique. Tess would always be a little, needing to be cared for like the cute child she was inside. And then there was me, somewhere between the two. Craving to submit when I felt naughty, but also needing the control in a more wholesome relationship. Between us, all the bases were covered. And everything would turn out perfect in the end.