✅ My Cousin's Keeper [NaNoWriMo 2021]

42. My Next Steps

This chapter is dedicated to Alyssa. Thank you for all your support, and happy new year!

Tess was already awake when we got downstairs, and had sorted out her own breakfast. It wasn't quite as much effort as I would normally have put in; she had found cereal in the cupboard and poured herself a bowl. But the rich scent of Ffrances's favourite coffee filled the air, and there were two mugs of steaming joe standing on the side. I was going to say thank you, but then hesitated as something else struck me. Tess was happy; there must be a song stuck in her head, because one finger was moving in the air like she was conducting an invisible orchestra, and she might just have been singing along.

Happy and carefree, I thought. She had really enjoyed yesterday, which was an incredible relief. If she genuinely liked her time as a small child, it would be so much easier to convince her to take it up more often.

"You're happy today," I said. "Enjoyed being young again that much?"

"No," she answered, but the smile never faded. "I mean... it was amazing. I still can't believe how different that hypnosis thing can make you feel. It's amazing, and I hope we can try it again some time. Maybe without getting so muddy this time. And without... well..."

"I'm sorry I went too far," I said. "I think I kind of flipped out over not being in control. Or I went back to before I learned to be a good person. I used to be a bit of a bully, and maybe that was on my mind when I thought about being a child. I'm sorry. But now that I've experienced it, I think being a little kid isn't for me. I won't be going back that far again. Your age, I think that would be great, but no further. I could be a babysitter, but I've got too many insecurities to be a baby." It was a hard thing to say, but I was sure it was the right thing. Giving Tess a little subconscious nudge, playing on her desire to prove that she was the responsible one. She would never want to admit she had those same insecurities herself.

"Yeah, it's good. I mean, you were being pretty harsh, but I still got to try something that felt amazing. And even when you went... too far... there's good parts. I found something that might work for me, anyway. I asked Ffrances about the other thing. You know, that we talked about? So I think that'll be a lot easier in future. Just might need somebody to tell me..." she mumbled, and went quiet. But I could see her summoning up all her reserves of courage, before she continued: "To tell me not to have an accident. Before bed. Would you do that for me?"

"I will," I said. "When you need it. I promise."

I hoped Ffrances wouldn't say anything more there. It would have been so easy for everything to fall apart there, if she wondered why that was the one Tess had asked about. But it could easily have made sense with her existing worldview. If Tess asked me to make her wet the bed, I would need to have the courage to say 'no' when she needed it. Ffrances had probably told her that she needed to not overuse the trigger, and I'd said something similar. So Ffrances would understand Tess's request as making sure I knew I was supposed to refuse her.

"Anyway, it's sunny again. I can't believe it was so warm last night, don't think we'll get much more of this."

"I know!" Ffrances beamed. "You got any plans?"

"Well, I was going to ask. I wanted to meet up with a friend today, if that's okay?"

"Sure. I'll give you a lift into town," I answered quickly. "You mean now? I guess that's why you're up so early. Just let me grab a bagel. So–"

"I could give you a ride if you prefer," Ffrances cut me off. "I could do with checking in at work for a few minutes, make sure everything's going okay without me. You know?"