I don't need a doctor

~sorrow and rage~

We had checked in on a motel the same night as the manor burnt down. I felt sorrow inside but on the outside I was completely numb, I didn't once physically cry. I was so mad at myself for not having protected her and I only could blame myself even though it wasn't my fault. I hadn't spoken to anyone since last night more than at the manor. I shared a room on the motell with Carolyn and David and Elizabeth shared another room. Neither of us had spoken as it had been a scary and crazy night for all of us. I wanted to talk to Carolyn about what had happened last night but I felt like I wasn't ready. Everytime I tried to speak I felt the tears in my throat and I just knew I would break. It was easier to push away all the feelings and just be numb. I couldn't bare to think that Julia was lying dead somewhere. One thing I knew for sure was that I needed my revenge on James, either I couldn't leave with myself. I also wanted to reach out to Barnabas and have a word with him but not today, maybe not tomorrow but one day.

I woke up in the small, dirty motel bed. I opened my eyes and stared up at the ceiling. Carolyn hadn't woken up yet and the whole surrounding was dead quiet. I let out a yawn and moved to the side to face Carolyn. She was peacefully sleeping in the bed beside me with her lips resting apart. She was really adorable and you could see she had a tough night last night. I was just happy she was alive cause else, I couldn't have done this. I wiped off a tear that apparently had fallen from my eye. I tried to push all the dreadful feelings inside me but the more I ignored it the more I thought back on Julia. She was gone, she was really gone.

The memories lived rent free in my head and I was slightly shaking from them. Sobbing with no tears falling. I knew the newspaper still said James was alive and I knew everyone else thought so too but he was very much alive. I wrinkled my nose from the smell from the dusty and greasy sheets. I moved my head and rolled over to my back again as I sneezed which caused Carolyn to groan.

I looked over to her and her eyelids slowly started to open. She rubbed her eyes and gained eye contact with me. She sat up a little and rested on her elbows. "Morning" she mumbled as she was still half asleep. "Morning" I said back to her and sat up in bed and stretched out my arms in the air. "What time is it?" She asked and looked around the room with her eyes half open. I looked around and spotted an alarm clock on my night table "Uhm 11.30" I told her. She just sighed for herself and laid down again onto her back. I still was sitting up in the bed, staring deadend to the wall in front of me. I simply wanted to escape reality right now, sleep for the rest of my life and live in the dream world but it wasn't that easy. I swallowed hard and I felt the tears in my throat again. I hurted like shit to hold them back. My eyes started to water and I just pushed and pushed it away but it was torture.

Suddenly I felt two warm arms wrap around me and a head that rested onto my shoulder. I flinched from her touch but as soon as I realized it was Carolyn I relaxed in her touch. "It's okay to cry" She softly spoke in my ear. My lower lip started to shiver and a sobbed escaped, I snivelled over and over again to not cry. She held me tight, like she wanted to press all the harm away. I at last broke down in tears and turned to her and buried my face in her neck. She still held me tight and stroked my back up and down. My whole body was shaking and my tears were falling one for one down my cheeks. My sobbed wouldn't stop however hard I tried. I don't know if I could tell her everything I wanted, I didn't want to bother her with even more problems and retelling this horrible memory was something I wouldn't be able to do.

After a long time of bawling in her arms it finally started to end. I could breath again and my body wasn't shaking as before. I sat up from her arms and a last snivelling came out of me before I wiped my tears away. A few of them were already stained. "You wanna tell?" she carefully asked. "Julia is dead" I quietly said and wiped another tear. "Oh my" she said in the most caring way ever. "But Carolyn...you, what about you?" I asked whilst I forcefully grabbed her by her arms and looked straight into my eyes. "I'm fine, really" she chuckled lightly as how I cared for her over me "someone you truly loved has died" she told me in compassion. "I know I know" I sobbed "I really need something else on my mind" I told her as I desperately looked into her eyes. "Okay" she spoke softly "did you see me last night?" she asked me. "Mmm" I hummed and had a very curious look on my face. "I'm...I'm a werewolf, Barnabas wasn't the only monster in the house" she chuckled nervously for herself. "No no no Carolyn, don't say that" I worriedly smiled at her and cupped her cheek in my right hand "that's dope" I convinced her. She just giggled slightly and rested her head in my hand. "Thank you" she whispered. I just smiled at her and gave her the biggest hug.