I don't need a doctor

~the kiss~

The next days went better. I only had a headache like 2 days after the visit to Julia then I got well, sort of. I couldn't stop thinking about Julia and about the last time I saw her. It was a special attention between the both of us and I'm just completely obsessed. I haven't seen her scenes as I've most likely been in my room to not infect anyone else in the house and that's exactly why I had more anxiety than I'd ever had for a while. The trauma is coming back from time to time and I could never know when. It's usually panic attacks that shows up and I've always been afraid to get them in public. Tonight was one of those nights, me being bored and having too much time to think. But by now I start to recognize my attacks more and more before it would be too late, which was a big relief for me.

As I was lying in my bed, letting thought go in and out. I started to feel the symptoms of a panic attack, heavy breathing, hyperventilation, pain in the chest and so on. I tried to help myself by thinking of happy thoughts or something but I couldn't and I didn't understand why this is happening, I want to be just fine...

I made a quick decision that night to avoid the attack and ran down the stairs directly to Julia's office. My breathing was loud and heavy as I knocked on the door. Tears had already escaped my eyes on the way down. She opened the door after a moment and I don't think I controlled my body anymore. As fast as I saw her I ran into a big hug into her arms as I was in tears, trying to breathe. My mascara made me black all over my face and I'm pretty sure I made her white doctor robe black. I was crying in her shoulder as she held me tight. "Hey, hey what's wrong"

I tried to say something but as fast as I was about to say something only sobbing escaped my mouth. "Shh, what's wrong?" she asked me once again with her calm voice. "I don't know" I cried, still into her shoulder. "What's wrong with me!" I burst out. I was like a little kid who was in an uncontrolled breakdown. But really why do this happen to me, I just wanna be happy, I don't wanna be me. I was still in her arms when she pulled away, holding both of my shoulders. "Nothing is wrong with you, okay" she said looking right into my eyes that were filled with tears and mascara smeared all over my face, still trying to catch my breath. She then pulled me into a hug again. "Breath Y/N...breath"

"Come here" she said and pulled away the hug and took my arm and led me to the patient bed. She sat herself besides me this time. I was still shaking and my breathing along with. She stroked my back with the arm nearest to me. I leaned against her still sobbing. I couldn't stop, I tried but I wasn't able to.

She was about to say something but stopped herself. I was a little scared of what she was gonna say so I totally forgot to breathe until she said "You don't have to talk about it" and by that sentence I felt I could breathe again. I just felt really safe and really gay as I was leaned back against her as she was stroking my back.

My tears were soon enough dried on my chin together with my mascara and my breathing had got back to a normal rhythm. I sat myself up again and turned around to her. She tried to wipe off the black dried tears on me with her thumb when our gazes met once again. I just knew how in love I was with her eyes and her face. A moment appeared between us and suddenly I felt her warm, soft lips pressed against mine. I didn't notice what happened at first but then I kissed her back. It was a big shock for me. I felt more gay than ever, I almost wanted to cry. She then pulled away and it was over and I could catch my breath again after the kiss. "Omg" she said as she covered her hand over her mouth, like she realised she kissed a patient that was 30 years younger than herself "I'm so sorry" she said and then she stood up and was about to walk away when I grabbed her arm and pulled her into me "don't say sorry" I whispered before I went into kiss her again. She was just as shocked as I was first but then she kissed me back. It felt so good, I could stay like this forever. I couldn't believe it but something about the age different felt wrong but at the same time there were no one else I'd like to kiss, ever, except her.