*Read "Proud (1)" first, this is the continuation of it.*
I have read somewhere, that one of the ways of moving on is embracing the pain. Feel and accept the pain until your heart became numb. Because you will realize it was also a part of your past. A once was a beautiful chapter, that turns into memories.
***
"I'm home" I shouted once I entered the house, my smile faltered when no one welcomed me. How could I forget? This house has lost its colors and turned cold when she left. It's been a while since I've been living with her, she leave me alone.
My eyes moistened when I saw the portrait of our wedding picture. Young and deeply in love, I was looking at the camera while she stares at me. As if I was the one who created all the miracles in the world.
I slowly replace the flowers from the vase, she loves the scents of it. She would bring me a bouquet every day, saying she would continue to court me. And I felt loved, my wife was the greatest gift God gave.
But time wasn't on our side, we were given such a short amount. The saying was true, you can't have everything you ask for. I ask to spend my whole life with her, but she was taken too soon. Not seeing her every day is painful, what more realizing that she's never coming back?
Our bed is empty, too spacious for me. I lay facing where she would used to sleep. My hands unconsciously reached for the space. "I miss you, I love you, I can't do this anymore" I whispered, my lips quivering. I cried myself to sleep, calling her name. Maybe she could hear me, maybe if she saw me being like she would come back.
Still, I woke up alone. My chest tightens when she crosses my mind. "Good morning love, I made you breakfast." that was her line, she would greet me early and take care of me. I sat waiting for the door to open. I hurt myself again, no one came in.
After showering, I went to some clothes, her clothes. I felt tears building when her smell is gradually fading. I buried my face on her sweater, sobbing, murmuring many prayers.
I arrived at my friend's place late, I wore my glasses to hide my swollen eyes. "Jen!" They were already watching, funny as it sounds. But at our age, we still plan for movie dates. They were all looking at me, carefully.
"Sorry, I went somewhere before here" Rosie nodded, understanding what I meant. Jisoo pulled me to sit by her side. "What are we watching?" She handed me the popcorn. "You don't need to wear shades" she mumbled.
I took it off and saw her face sadden, "happy?" I replied, she shook her head laughing. "We have CDs here, you choose" Rosie merrily said, spreading the CDs. My chest tightens when I saw the movies. I walk to remember, Titanic, The fault in our stars, The notebook, Call me by your name..."Really?" I uttered, they seem to get it as they panicky hid them again.
"It's fine" I assured but the two suggested finding other CDs. "There's an app called Netflix" they argued. "But we promised" I heard Jisoo, I look questioningly at her. When she saw I caught she fake a cough.
"Is there something you want to tell?" Rosie sighed and threw a pillow at her. Jisoo scratched her head. "Your wife told us if we would watch movies and we should use CD's because you love it." Surprise I smiled. "Oh god, I told you she'd cry" Rosie knelt and wipe tears.
I laughed amid my cry, I faced both of them. "Thank you"
***
I crouch down, dusting off the dirt and dry leaves on the stone slab. I smiled placing sunflowers on both sides. "Happy anniversary to us love, happy anniversary in heaven too" I touched her name. I rested my chin over my arm. Rocking myself back and forth.
"Is it sad when you went there? Because it's sad when you left here. You could have brought me with you, you know" I chuckled, easing the pain.
"I want to blame you for not saying" Tears began to flow, I bit my lip. "But thank you for fighting hon, I know you're hurting when you were here. Remember you hate hospitals? And you're afraid of needles. The nurses thought you're weird because you're acting like a child." I laugh...
"Fuck" I murmured, wiling my tears "I miss you so much. I still hurt love, not seeing you smile, not hearing your voice, not feeling your warmth." I sobbed.
"I'm trying my best, I want to do better for you. That's what you want right? For your strong Jennie to come back? The Jennie you've met in college? The tough and strict president. The one who scolds you when you're too playful...
Don't worry, one day I'll be back again, stronger. I will make you proud of me."
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"Yah, Lalisa Manoban that isn't funny!" I jumped from the seat when I saw smoke coming out from my wife's head. I swear it was real! Just like the characters in anime!
She was holding a ladle, I flinched and crossed my arms when she was about to hit me. "AAAA" I scream in a high pitch and close my eyes. A moment had passed and I didn't feel anything. I flutter my eyes open and see her tearing up.
Oh shit, I hurt her, didn't I? I went down and reached for her, she shoved my hands. Her lips curled upside down, and she was glaring at me. "It was just a what if" I uttered in guilt.
"How can you joke about death when I almost lose you!?" I felt a stab in my heart. I suffered from leukemia, but luckily for me, we found out before it was too late. I went through chemotherapy and it worked. I'm still alive and breathing, but I think not for long. My Jennie looks like she would slice me in half.
"I'm sorry" I whispered, scooting near beside her. She moved away, every step she do, I will mimic. We did this until we reach our garden. We look weird, I was bowing my head stepping side to side, while she does the same, and holding a ladle.
"I hate you" I cage her inside my arms. She began to sob violently when I rested my chin on her shoulder. "I'm sorry, I won't do it anymore, I promise" I kissed her jaw. She turned around to bury her face on my neck. I rub her back, "Aww!" I moved back when her teeth nearly tore my skin apart.
"Ha, you deserve that for making fun of me!" She pointed the ladle at me, smirking.
"Are you a vampire or what?" I touched my neck and felt the mark of her bite. Geez, it hurts. My eyes got smaller when Jennie held my hand, putting it down. She leaned and softly kiss the mark, I sighed. "Forgiven," we said at the same time.
"Anyways hon, Dad called and wants to talk to us regarding the bakeshop" I cuffed her face and squeezed her cheeks, making her pout.
"He agreed?!" Jennie exclaimed, her father did change.
"Uh-uh, and I am proud to say that he likes me more than you, now." I stick out my tongue. She pinched my waist and pulled my ear as we walk inside.
