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"I'm done with this! What only matters is if you love me!" The pain laced in her voice was enough to make me feel sick. The idea of me causing her delirium doesn't process in my mind. I was still and frozen facing her, doing my best not to show my weakest.
Her hands close and shaking on the table, I couldn't answer her. I mean how could I? Because I know it would break her more. But keeping her with me will be selfish too. I swallowed the invisible lump in my throat, preparing myself for the worst to come.
"That wouldn't change a thing" my words came up small, quiet as possible. For her not to hear the shutters in my lines that mirror the pieces of her aching heart. Then she was finding my eyes, my eyes that I couldn't bring myself to witness the truth. The reality is that I will lose her after this.
"It would Jennie, it is everything." The way my name rolled from her tongue was far different from when she called me gently. Before it sounded yellow, but now it is blue and grey. I want to reach for her hands, to intertwine them with mine, but that would only mean locking her. The vulnerability that I need her, I do, however, I can't.
"Leave, Lisa." I hate that this could be the last time I utter her name. I hate that we need to separate like this. "I can't, I won't leave you." It pushed me to say the things I wish I didn't. I finally find the courage to set my eyes on her. She maybe thought that I'm giving up, that I'll choose her. She was wrong, "I do not love you. I only promised her to take care of you. Nothing more." There is it, the colors on her face drained.
Why did this happen to us? How did we end up in this situation?
My mind brought me back to 3 years prior when Lisa was no one but a stranger who my best friend introduced. "This is Lisa, my girlfriend." Ji-Eun smiled warmly stepping aside to let the woman greet us. I glanced at Jisoo, and we both gave our friend a teasing smile.
"Hi, I'm Lisa." We both shook hands
"You're great with everything, even in choosing your girl," Jisoo commented that making us laugh.
"Damn right, I am." Ji-Eun hugged her girl sideways.
*
They were a match made in heaven. Lisa was the complete opposite of her which made us surprised. Nonetheless, that made them more compatible, they tolerate each other. Jisoo is closer to Lisa, compared to me. Besides, I was not the friendly type of person. We were civil, she was nice, and she would often start the conversation, sometimes getting my attention so I not to feel left out.
We were distant at least, not until one night that change our lives forever. We were drunk, I never saw it coming, I never wish for it to happen. I was caught in the moment. The only thing I could remember is how soft her lips are against mine and how she made me feel wonderful. But it was short-lived because we woke up with Ji-Eun finding it out.
"J-" Lisa was about to call her but she turned her back fast and left. Lisa jumped out and dressed. While I remained puzzled and tried to regain my consciousness. I slept with my best friend's girlfriend. I began to shed tears, "Jen..." She muttered, leaning to leave. I smiled signaling her to go. After the door closed that's when I broke down.
It was a hell of a night, and it didn't end there. I was welcomed by a slap from Ji-Eun's mother. I accepted it, "She treated you as her sister and this is what you'll do to her. You're disgusting!" She humiliates me, not minding the people at the hospital. I only nodded, I deserve it. Ji-Eun's car crashed at a post, and the heavy rain caused the roads to be slippery. And she was driving too fast because she wants to get away from the betrayal we have done.
"It's not your fault. I initiated it." Lisa whispered, I shook my head and stare at the glass that separated me and my sleeping best friend. She is there because of me. Because of my stupidity. "I didn't stop you when I could." I reasoned.
"We were drunk."
"No Lisa, we were careless."
*
"Ji-Eun..." I called as I open the door, she woke up a week later. I was wondering why she wanted She was supposed to hate me.
"I'm sorry." I cried, before the person who trusted me the most. She looks away and I notice her jaw clenched. She's mad, and she the right too.
"What is done is done." She replied
"I...I didn't mean to..." She nodded
"Of course, you didn't, do you have feelings for her?" I immediately denied it.
"No...it was a mistake."
"Then I have a favor for you." I waited
"I need you to take care of her. I can't be with her right now because of what had happened. My parents wouldn't let her near me. They want us to fly to Korea. I don't want to leave her. Believe me, Jennie, you both hurt me but I couldn't hate you. I need space, and when I'll return. I want her back."
It sounded ridiculous, how could she trust me on this
"You said you don't have any feeling for her right? You don't need to be that close to her. All I want is for you to keep her safe. I will forgive you, just promise me to look after her while I'm gone."
"Yes..."
*
Ji-Eun left, and Lisa didn't know about our agreement.
I kept my promise to my best friend
I eventually find a way to be with Lisa without crossing the line
Or so I thought
Because within those years with her, I was the happiest. And I could feel she was too. And I want to shake it off my mind. How her secret gaze affects me, how her hands softly brush mine when she calls at midnight.
How I worry when she doesn't reply, the breakfast, lunch, and dinners we had. The stories we've shared. The tears we allowed ourselves to unleash. I was guilty of falling for her. How could I refrain myself loving her when she was everything I dream of.
And the mistake we have done was repeated. It was unfair because to her she thinks that it was fine, it was okay. Since she thought Ji-Eun had left her for good.
I was the worst, I made her believe in something that wouldn't last. Every night I would pray for things to be different. But I guess prayers don't work when you broke promises multiple times.
"I'm coming back." That is what Ji-Eun said after missing for 3 years. She only means one thing. And that is returning to get Lisa. I look at my back and saw the woman I'd been loving for a while sleeping soundly.
I sat on the bed, beside her. My tears fell as I fix the strands of her hair. I wish I could keep her forever. But we started and continued wrong.
"I love you, I love you with all of me." But I'm not the person you'll end up with. I'm sorry.
I placed a kiss on her lips. A little longer, wanting to feel her touch. That afternoon I left her... And now we're letting each other go
*
"You love me, Jennie. I can feel it." I jolted when she grab my hand and placed it on her chest. I was on the brink of begging her to stay. But I was stronger. This is the only chance to redeem my friendship with Ji-Eun and to set Lisa free from me.
