Scatter Hearts

49| Nerves

Journal Entry # 8 Wednesday 2019

Orion and I stood outside in our usual spot. He put his arm around me. My heart began pounding. I can do this. My body shook with nerves and anticipation. I tapped my collar with my hand. Orion stood in front of me, and no one else saw this. I couldn't feel my heart in my chest, (Probably because of my breasts) unless i was laying on my back, or it was absolutely pounding. Orion knew this. He carefully placed his hand to my collar. (I had figured out that you could feel the pulse there, right before the throat.) His hand was cold, and I shivered at his touch. I thought of kissing him right there. Normally I would not be able to, and back down to my nerves. What am I afraid of? I shook, and fought the urge to back down as much as I could. I grabbed his shirt and pulled him toward me, kissing his lips. I pulled out of it a few seconds later and immediately hugged him. I held on to him, breathing heavy. My heart beat out of my chest, and I could've sworn Orion felt it. I closed my eyes as the shaking kicked in. I remembered what he had told me before. Cherish the moment. I opened my eyes, holding him close. I could've sworn I felt his heart beat, but I couldn't tell over mine overwhelming me. All I could think about was how much I loved this boy. I was happy I risked it. I thought he was too.

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Journal Entry # 9 Thursday 2019

Today I had to stay until five pm. We sat in the hallway near theatre. Orion put his arm around me. I loved it when he did that. For a while, I thought of fighting my nerves and kissing him. I kept denying myself to do it, and making up what would happen if I did. I wasn't sure exactly, why that happened. I started shaking. As if reading my mind and how I was feeling, Orion spoke. "If you're gonna kiss me, just do it." He said gently. I did, finally, and we hugged. Inside me began freaking out. That was getting old. I held him close to me. I felt his heartbeat. I asked him about it and he said it was mine. I swore it wasn't mine, and it wasn't enough where I felt it.

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Journal Entry # 10 Friday

Today Orion and I were outside, near the brick wall. Behind me was a tree. Orion looked past me, and reached to the branch near my head. I thought he was gonna brush my face or something. We laughed about that when I told him. He grabbed a leaf and put it in my hair. He laughed and I giggled. "Gahh! Orion!" I brushed it away. "Is it gone?" I turned my head. He nodded. "Yeah."

I spotted the leaf on the ground.

**

I thought of kissing him again, and the freak out process restarted. I got up off the wall, and kissed him quickly, without hesitation. He held me close to him in a hug afterwards. For some reason, Im still freaking out internally if we don't hug after.. I raised a brow and shook my head. All I could think about was how soon this moment would end; how much I loved him; and how he might feel. I realized I wasn't shaking anymore. Strange, new, but comforting thoughts and feelings come over me. I'm safe.. I felt warmth flow through my body. I'm not scared.. I smiled. I leaned into him. I'm safe in Orion's arms.. That feeling I felt the day before, it dawned on me. Love. How had I not realized I was in love? Sure I felt it, but this.. this is more.

I love Orion.. I love him more than anything..