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Cypher 4

Things got busy fast, with little to no breathing room I adjusted as best I could. I never really settled in amongst the team as they openly speculated about my true relationship with the members while Chan remained close, friendly. I couldn't help but find him attractive but knew that I needed to keep things professional and myself out of trouble. Things has settled with everyone and talk of the past waned significantly. The experience of running around after the members however had shown them each in a completely different light. At concerts I noticed how Tae and Jungkook totally shifted into these childish, goofy kids who loved to play and chase each other around while Namjoon shifted from being soft-spoken and warm into a true leader, his tone and facial expressions differencing significantly to what I'd see at the hotels. My heart broke at the end of each tour as I was exposed to the true effects of their extravagant performances had on their bodies. Behind the stage, the team held bottles of cool water, tanks of oxygen and sweat rags as the concerts neared the end knowing well that they would need us. 

Jimin had joked about me toweling his sweat and dressing him, but this wasn't what I'd expected of the light hearted comment. They would run back to us, dropping to the ground on stage props or the floor as we rushed to their sides. On one occasion, I'd seen Hobi laying with his forearm over his forehead as he dripped in sweat as a woman strapped his knee with bandages and tape and I tried to hold back tears. In my own lap lay Jungkook, for the first time since the kiss in the stairwell he laid silently as he heaved deep breaths. Another member of the staff held oxygen to his mouth, trying to help him recover. The tears welled more, watching him struggle to breath as the others lay in similar states was mortifying. They truly gave everything during the concerts and I was well aware that they had at least another ten or so following tonight. 

As Jungkook pushed the oxygen away, he tipped his hand towards his mouth. I uncap a bottle of water and help his shaking hands to hold it to his mouth as he essentially inhales the entire thing. I pat his forehead and chest with a cloth while stroking his hair with the other hand, hoping to help him return his feet to the ground. I could hear team members whispering, but I couldn't care in the moment. He looked like he was in pain and they seemed totally unaffected to see any of the members like this. Maybe they'd grown to know this as a fact, natural, but I hoped that day would never come for me. 

After getting him upright we were slowly guided to a room where they were able to lay comfortably on couches to recover before heading home. 

"Is everyone okay? Is it always like that?" I ask, desperate to hear someone speak. 

"Every time. We'll be okay." A hoarse voice replies. Jimin doesn't look like himself. His soft hair has fallen into his eyes as he lays sprawled uncomfortably on the couch. Namjoon looks exhausted as he sits in a recliner, his head hanging back loosely at an awkward angle. 

I wander the room, trying to comfort them and to give support where humanly possible. They mumble and laugh half-heartedly at my horror. Jimin's request for help to change comes with no surprise, but it's nothing as I had anticipated as he sharply inhales as I help him step out of the tight jeans he'd squeezed his muscular legs into. On any other day I would have made a joke as I kneel at his feet, but the pain in his eyes shatters me. Yoongi is easy to help, with coffee requests being the least of my problems. Ice for Hobi and Jin follows, with Tae nodding off with Tan cuddled in his lap I'm happy to help where I can. Namjoon tried to refuse my help as I kneel at his feet, helping him to kick off the dress shoes he's still wearing almost an hour after his performance. The night wares on, with the boys looking close to death I can't begin to describe how grateful I am as they all begin to stand and stretch. 

Jungkook however isn't recovering as easily, needing help to stand I help to get him outside and into the cars. 

"Stay. Stay with me please." He mumbles, reaching out to touch my face. I know I should refuse, that there's a perfectly good seat in the other cars waiting for me. 

"Of course Kook. I'm not going anywhere." 

The car ride is quick, as the members struggle to stay awake I begin to search the photos from the concert. They looked amazing, everything was perfect and the fan cams truly captured just how talented they were. This didn't ease my mind knowing how far they would fall after each and every concert, but I was happy to know the boys would be proud of themselves when they saw these later on. Jungkook sat beside me, with Jin on the other side of him and Tae in the front. I knew the others were in the car following us and couldn't help but keep my eyes peeled as we approached the hotel. This time, we entered the backside and were able to avoid the majority of fans that had camped out. Some managed to spy us but with the abundance of staff required to help the members into the building I knew I'd slip through without notice. 

Once inside, most of the members bid the other staff polite goodbyes before trying to make their ways to their rooms. They were sore, so as best I could I tried to help each into bed. Namjoon again tried to refuse, but looking into his eyes there was no way I was leaving him until I knew he was okay. They deserved the best, and rest was only one of the many things I knew they would need. 

Most showered, while others disappeared into their rooms to sleep. Hobi was one that took me by surprise, despite his knee being strapped he worked through his entire night routine using me as a crutch to help him stay upright before I tucked him into bed. I wandered the quiet suite and checked on everyone, happy to see many already sleeping. 

As I entered Jungkook's room, I was surprised to see him sitting cross legged on his bed in deep thought. As I reached his side and gently sat down, he finally registered my presence and glanced at me without any sort of reaction. 

"Do you need anything? I mean it, after that anyway I can help." 

He smiles, his eyes heavy, "You know what I want, but no matter how hard I try it's never enough." 

"Kook, please. I want to help, let's not get into this. You're exhausted." 

He shakes his head, stubborn as always he tries to shift closer but he clenches his jaw. He rests his head on my shoulder as I reach out and brush his hair from his forehead. He's still sweating like crazy and he feels heavy, like he's no longer able to hold himself together anymore. 

"Just stay with me tonight, that's what I want." His voice is low, like he's struggling to speak at all. 

"I can't, Kookie. Let me get you into bed and I'll go after your asleep." 

"You mean you won't. You could, but you won't."  I can hear it in his voice, the deep resentment, the disappointment. God it kills me to hear him like this. Things with Namjoon had ended so smoothly but this truly felt like I was being torn apart. 

"Kook, why do you keep waiting? Nothing has changed, it can't change." I'm begging, praying that he stops. He needs to rest and all he can do is argue and fight. 

"Because I want to fight for this. I wish you'd give me a chance, then we could fight it together. I wish you could tell me how you really feel." 

But I don't. I brush my fingertips against his cheek and stand up, turning to walk away I whisper goodnight and leave without looking back. 

Yoongi greets me in the kitchen, giving my hand a gentle squeeze it's as if he knows.