Savior (a Andy Biersack romance)

Chapter 24 Stages of Grief

     The next day I left while Jazzie was napping to head to Mystic café. From what I heard my old boss still worked there and I was sure he would hire me back if I talked to him in person. I sat in my car Jordan had bought me 6 years ago and took a few deep steady breaths as I started the car and pulled out. The drive was short but I didn't want to walk today and I needed to go to a few different places today. I pulled into the street side parking before getting out of the car and walking to the entrance. I saw my memory like it was a movie playing across my vision. I saw Jordan walking threw the doors and right into me. I saw the furious look on my face and his sorry look. I then saw the smile on my face at how cute he was. My God everything reminded me of him. My chest started to hurt as it got harder to breath and I started wheezing. Everything started to sway and I fell against the side of the building as I realized I was having a panic attack. I started to recall my senses, the feel of the brick building under my fingers, the smell of coffee in the air, the sound of the cars as they passed by. Finally I was able to breath again. I took a few more deep breaths and brushed my hair out of my face before I walked into the café. 

      My old boss Max was behind the counter when I walked in. He saw me and smiled as I said, "Hey boss man!"

     "Hey lady, been a long time. Haven't seen you much sense you got married and had the baby."

     I played with my wedding ring I was still wearing and tried to ignore the last part. "Yea I'm living back in town and just wanted to see if you would want some help around here."

     "Yea of course. When you looking to start and what kind of hours?"

     "Well my daughter Jazzie should be starting pre-k here in about 2 weeks ad she will be in school between 8 and 4. I could work between those times Monday threw Friday."

     He nods his head, "I'm actually pretty full on Wednesdays but I could use you the other 4 days. What day does she start? I'll put you down to start on that day."

     "I'm actually not sure yet, I'm headed to the school to find out after this."

     "Sounds good, just call and let me know when you find out and I will put you on the schedule."

     I smiled and we made a little small talk before the afternoon rush came in and we said a quick good bye. I got into the car and threw my long hair into a messy bun before taking off for the school. I had already had her enrolled to go into pre-k before Jordan died but I had misplaced her info for her teacher and such and I needed to change her to the new bus route sense we were at a different house now. Jordan had been so excited to send her off on her first day of school. He had already planned to be home so we could both send her off for her first day.  I stopped by a local flower shop after that and bought a bouquet of flowers before heading to the cemetery. 

     I took a deep breath before stepping out of the car and finding Jordan's headstone. It read, Jordan Jefferey, 1993-2018, Loving Father and Husband and there was a small picture of him above it all. I removed the withered flowers and replaced the old one before I sat in the grass  next to the headstone. I looked at the picture of him as tears came down my face. It was taken from the first family picture we took when Jazzie was only about a year old. I remember that day like it was yesterday. I swear I could still smell his cologne and hear his laugh if I closed my eyes and thought hard enough about it. Jazzie had been having a bad day and we were having a hard time getting her to stop crying, but Jordan just started making faces at her. She eventually started to laugh and then we were all laughing. You could see his green eyes sparkling with laughter as he looked into the camera.

    I took a deep breath as I started speaking, "Hey babe. I miss you a lot today. Jazzie seems to be getting a little better but she misses you too. Honestly we both just miss you so much. Damn it Jordan, why did you do this to us? We didn't need the money. We could have figured it out. I just needed you to be happy. The money meant nothing to me. I would rather have nothing but still have you! I'm so mad you left me! I'm so angry you left Jazzie without a dad and I don't even know what to tell her! My daughter has to live without her dad and I have to live without the love of my life! What am I supposed to do without you!? And now with you being gone I cant even be angry to your face! I'm mad at someone who cant even feel it!" By the time I was done I was screaming and my vision was blurred from all the tears running down my face. 

     I hadn't had a minute alone sense he died, at least not enough time to realize how mad I was at him. He had left me and our daughter in a world without him,  and I couldn't even tell her what had happened to her dad because she would never understand and I don't think she ever will no matter how old she gets. I lifted the hem of my shirt and rubbed my face as I walked back to the car slowly. I took a few minutes to compose myself before I made a quick call to Max and started the car heading back to the house. 

     I rolled down the windows and just enjoyed the fresh air as I drove. I stepped out of the car in the drive and went to open the front door. I heard Jazzie crying before I even saw her. She came running for me as I came into view and I leaned over and scooped her up shushing her as I bounced her. 

     I looked up to a frazzled Andy, "She was fine until she realized you weren't here, and she kind of lost it. It was like she didn't think you were coming back,"

     I nodded in understanding and sat down with Jazzie on the couch. Eventually her crying faded and I pulled her back to look at me. "Jazzie, Mommy will never leave you. Mommy just needed some time to get some stuff done and you were taking your nap. You are going to be starting school soon and Mommy cant be there with you baby. I promise I will get you on the bus and I will be home waiting every day ok?"

     She let out a small sniffle and nodded as I pulled her back into my arms for a hug. I sat with her for a few minutes before I put on a cartoon and went into the kitchen with Andy close behind me. 

     Andy pulled me to his chest as I began to cry, "I don't know what to do. What do I tell her Andy? I cant tell her that her dad was a drug lord and was killed because of some drug deal gone bad. I don't know if there will be anything I can ever tell her and I'm pissed. I'm pissed that he died and left me and Jazzie and I'm pissed that he was even doing this and put me in this situation. What happens when she is older and she asks me what happened to her dad? How do I look into the eyes of my daughter and not tell her the truth?"

     He framed my face with his hand, "I will be here every step of the way and we will deal with that when it comes. When she is old enough and she asks just tell her the truth. It wont be easy but she will need to know the truth."

     Looking into his clear blue eyes I didn't care about anything else around me. I just needed to stop thinking for a short while. I leaned forward onto my toes and brought my lips to his and kissed him. At first he was hesitant and unmoving but he recovered quickly and wrapped his hands around my lower back pulling me closer. I hummed into his lips as fire spread in my belly and I put my hands up into his silky black hair. It wasn't as long as it use to be but it still felt just as soft as I always imagined it being. The kiss slowly came to a stop and we just rested our heads together both of our breaths mixing together. I felt a pang of guilt as Jordan flashed into my mind but I couldn't help it. Something about Andy made me forget everyone and everything around me and right now I needed that.