Castle's partner

Rough Time

Ross pov.
I walk into the precinct with Ryan and everyone is already there. They all smile at me like I am a child and I hate it. I walk straight past them and into the break room without saying a word. I sit down in a chair. My mind is racing, still having trouble processing everything that has happens in the last two weeks. I'm deep in thought when I see Beckett sit down next to me.
"Hey."
I look at her, letting her know that I'm listening.
"What happened to your hand?"
"I dropped a glass."
"Oh. You ok?"
I realize the only person who knows about the ice water torture is Ryan, from when he took my statement. And I want it to stay that way.
"Yeah I'm fine." I reply to Beckett.
"You know something? It's ok to not be ok. I know you are just going to keep telling everyone that you are ok and it might work, but it just makes things worse. When you push everything down inside it just ends in a bigger explosion."
"I know." She sighs, frustrated. She stands up to leave.
"Beckett?" I call after her. She stops and turns around.
"I just wanted to say thank you. For everything. And I'm sorry I have lied to you so many times. I just wanted to protect you. I didn't know what to do. Everything I do hurts someone, I'm better off dead so I can't hurt anyone."
I have thought this before, but I'm still shocked the words came out my mouth.
"How could you say that? If you died you would hurt everyone! We all love you and if something happened to you, we would all be hurt!"
She grabs my shoulders.
"Promise me. Promise me you won't commit suicide."
"Beckett-"
"No. This is serious. I could have you in the hospital right now under suicide watch. Is that what you want?"
"No but-"
"But what?" She yells. "There is nothing you say that will make me ok with the fact that you are even considering suicide! Ross I love you. And so does everyone else. You can't throw your life away just because you are going through a rough time!" I'm pissed now. I yell right back.
"Rough time? I'm going through a tough time? What the hell has the rest of my life been then? It certainly hasn't been a cake walk! Everyone I have ever cared about has died. And I watched it happen. I watched as my little brother was killed, and there was NOTHING I COULD DO ABOUT IT! My family was murdered, and I can't freaking figure out who did it! I was kidnapped and tortured to the point where I wanted to die! AND YOU'RE TELLING ME I'M GOING THROUGH A ROUGH TIME? Is that what you said to yourself when your mom was murdered? It's just a rough time? Because from what I hear you didn't. From what I hear, you crawled inside her murder and never came out. I know what that's like. But try having that happen four times! I wake up every night screaming because I see a dead body of someone I care about, or one of you is getting tortured next to me, and the only thing I can do is switch places with you. I saw you get tortured, I saw Ryan get tortured, I saw Castle get tortured. I got tortured. Hell I can't even drink a glass of water without having a flashback. My whole life revolves around pain. I can't remember the last time I was truly happy." My voice breaks.
"And there is nothing I can do."
Beckett is stunned. I try to walk past her, but before I can reach the door she grabs my hand.
"I never knew. I never knew any of that. I'm so sorry. But suicide is not the answer. Will you promise me that if you are even thinking about it you will tell me?"
"Yeah I guess."
She pulls me into a hug.