Castle's partner

Voicemail

I try calling Castle but he doesn't answer so I leave a voicemail.
"Hey Castle I don't know where you are but I need to talk to you. Umm, ok I'll talk to you soon."
I hang up, frustrated I can't find him.

"Come on Samantha think. Where would a mystery writer go after a bomb goes off?"
Then it hits me. Back to the crime scene. They are having a memorial shrine in the street for the victims.
I start sprinting, I need to get there before he leaves.
The run is far, a little more than two and a half miles.
When I finally reach it, I can barely make my way through the crowd.
People keep bumping into me, and I have to work my way to the edges to see anything.
I walk up the steps of the building lining the street to get a better view.
After minutes of searching, I finally find Castle talking to Martha down below.

By the time I get there, Martha is gone, and Castle turns to walk away, not seeing me.
"Castle!" I yell.
His head swivels to face me.
"Ross? What are you doing here"
"I came to find you."
"How did you get here?"
"Ummm. I ran?"
"That far? Just to find me?"
"Yes?" I reply unsure of what his reaction will be.
He walks up to me and hugs me.
"Next time just call."
"I did. You didn't answer."
He lets go, his eyebrows furrowed.
"Oh. Sorry."
I laugh, and he smiles.
"I like it when you laugh."
As it fades, I ask, "why?"
"Because it means you're happy. And you don't laugh as often as you used to. I miss it."
Although I don't let on, I am deeply touched by this.
He takes my hand and pulls me in for another hug.
I am still speechless.
"Why did Beckett lie?" He asks, and I honestly don't have a clear answer.
At least I don't have one that wouldn't hurt Castle.
"I don't know." I manage.
He sighs. And everything I feel about him comes back.
"Castle please don't leave. You are my family, and we need you back there. What Beckett did, it hurt me too. But I'm not leaving. And you can't either."
I know he hears my words, but he doesn't respond, so I try a different tactic.
"I know you love her Castle, and she loves you she just doesn't want to admit it."
His voice is sad. "But why?"
"She's scared. Castle she's like me. Every time she cares about someone, they get ripped away. She loves you too much for something to happen to you."
He considers this.
"But she didn't have to lie."
"I know. But sometimes it's easier to lie than face the truth..."
My voice trails off as I realize this is exactly what I did.
I shut out the people I care about most because I was afriad. I was afraid that if I told them what really happened to my family, what really happened to me, they wouldn't believe me.
I lied, and because of that I was kidnapped and tortured. Not only did it hurt me, it hurt eveyone that cares about me.
"Ross?" Castle is calling me.
I face him, my face blank.
"What's wrong?"
"Castle?"
"Yeah?"
"I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you. It was supposed to protect you, not hurt you."
"What? What are you talking about?"
"When I lied, it caused you to not know so you couldn't help me. And now I know that seeing me hurt, hurts you."
His face falls.
"You are just figuring this out? Ross of course it hurts us. We know you were trying to protect us, but sometimes you have to protect yourself too."
I nod, not knowing how to reply to this comment that leaves me in pieces.

I hurt them.