Castle's partner

On Watch

I open my eyes to Ryan's familiar apartment, in my familiar room.
I try to sit up, only to find that my arms and legs are restrained.
I pull as hard as I can, but to no avail.
My hands are getting chafed from the material holding me down.
Ryan walks in, his face sad. He sits next to my bed.
"Ryan please let me go. I'm done."
"No, every time you say that you go and hurt yourself. It's either suicide watch here, or at the hospital. Your choice."
My pleading eyes break him.
I stop struggling, and he slowly reaches over and unties me.
I sit up and pull my legs up to my chest, hugging myself. He sits next to me on the bed.
"I can't get the image out of my mind of you on that roof. It hurts me that you are in so much pain that you would do something like that."
The room goes silent.
"Were you going to jump?"
It is when he says this that I realize that yes, I would have.
I would be dead if Ryan hadn't grabbed me.
"How did you know I was up there?"
"I followed you after a few minutes. I didn't-I didn't realize that's what you were going to do. And on the way up I grabbed Esposito. I wasn't expecting to see you on the edge. You-you moved and I grabbed you."
He takes my hand.
"I'm so glad I caught you. If you had fallen, I-I don't know what I would have done. I would have blamed myself."
"Ryan its not your fault. I'm broken, and you guys started piecing me together again. I just-I can't handle it anymore."
This sentence forces me to face what I didn't want to believe.
"Ryan, I think I have PTSD."
He winces and takes a deep breath.
"I think you do too. With all of the nightmares and flashbacks, it wouldn't surprise me."
"How do I make it stop?" I whisper.
"Therapy. Medication."
"I don't want either of those. I don't want to tell people my problems or take medicine."
"Why?"
"People will think I'm crazy if they hear what I think. And medicine... I'm afraid I'd be tempted to overdose. Can we figure this out later?"
He nods. "I'm scared for you. I wish I could take away all your pain. You are just making it worse by bottling it up."
"I know, but it's painful to talk about. Everything is painful."
He hugs me.
"I'm tired. Can I go to sleep?"
"Yeah but I'm staying so don't even try to do anything stupid, ok?"
I nod, and he kisses me on the forehead. "I love you. I couldn't imagine being here without you."
I smile faintly at him, and role over.
He lays next to me.

Ryan pov.
As I lay next to her, the emotional day hits me all at once, and I am exhausted. I close my eyes.

When I open them, Samantha is on the ledge looking down at the street below.
I scream at her, trying to get her to look at me, ANYTHING, to get her to stop. I try to run to her, but there seems to be invisible weights holding me down.
She steps off, and I scream at the top of my lungs.
But she can't hear me. Instantly, I am able to run again, and I peer over the ledge, afraid of the horrors to come.

Her body is broken, and awkwardly bent at odd angles.
And the blood. So much blood.

I can't control myself. I start sobbing uncontrollably. I want to pitch myself off too, but it's not going to do any good.
I sink to the ground, hugging myself and pretending that my own flesh is her, and I'm hugging her warm, beautiful body instead.

I wake with a start, and I've never been so happy in my entire life than to feel my niece next to me.
Although it was a dream, I am sobbing now too.
My cries wake her up, and this time she comforts me.
"Ryan, Ryan look at me."
I do, and even through the darkness I can make out her features.
"Look I'm right here. I'm still alive."
She takes my hand and places it just above her breast so I can feel her heartbeat.
"You feel it?"
I nod, and I know she sees me.
"I'm still alive."