Castle's partner

Tell or Not To Tell

How do I do it?

"Espo?" I call out gently.

He pulls me into a hug.

"You can't die, you can't."

"Tío stop it!" I pull away. "You have to accept it okay? I'm going to die, and I need you to help me get through the next couple weeks."

He sighs, and I wipe away his tears with my thumb.

"You're going to die?"

"Yeah, Espo I am. I don't know when, I just know I am. And I need you, to help me."

"With what? How am I supposed to help you?"

"I can't tell them by myself. And I need you to look after everyone when I'm gone. I don't want them to go off the deep end."

"What about me? Who's going to keep me from going off the deep end?"

"They are. You are going to get each other through it. Please Espo. Promise me."

"Okay."

"Say it, please."

"I promise."

"Thank you."

"Now let's go tell the others."

"Right now?"

"They deserve to know. I'll call Castle, and ask if we can all me at his loft for something. And I mean everyone, Oliver and Nick too."

I nod, my face paling.

The ride there is silent, and when Castle opens the door and I see everyone inside, I start to feel sick.

All of them. Beckett, Castle, Ryan, Espo, Lanie, Martha, Alexis, Oliver and Nick.

"So Espo what are we here for?"

He points to me. They're all sitting, but I stand. My hands are shaking, and I can't seem to find my voice.

When I finally do, I stutter my way through my sentence.

"I-I, have...cancer."

There's nothing but dead silence.

Then Lanie half laughs. "You're kidding right? This is just a cruel joke?"

"I wish I was Lanie," I whisper, my voice breaking.

They all sit, shocked at what I tell them.

"Well at least you can fight it! It's not like you're going to die." Alexis says.

"No," I sniffle. "I can't fight it. I am going to die."

Then one by one, they all process what I'm saying, and start to cry.

They all take turns hugging me, and for once I'm not the one to break down.

I think I've accepted the fact that I'm going to die.

Now bringing it up only causes my heart to pound harder in my chest.

It's awful having to tell the people you love something that will hurt them.

After my mom died, I was the one to raise my brother. My dad was at work, and my sisters were too caught up in their grief to pay a lot of attention to us.

He was too young to understand the concept of death, so naturally I told white lies so he wouldn't feel the pain I did.

As people who care for and take care of others more than themselves, we naturally protect others so they don't hurt.

I guess that's what I do best.

After I explain what the doctor explained to me, I sit down and wait for a response, hugging a couch pillow to my chest.

But all that comes is more silence.

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I'm switching off between houses. They all want me to stay with them before I die. They made a schedule. Tonight with Beckett, tomorrow with Castle, then Ryan, Lanie, Nick and Oliver after that.

When we get to Beckett's, we try to pretend everything is normal.

At dinner however, I take my opportunity.

"Beckett?"

"Yeah?"

"After I'm gone, get Tyson. Okay?"

She nods. "I will do everything, anything to get him."

"But you can't die, okay?"

"Neither can you." She mumbles, dropping her fork and tears forming in her eyes.

"Beckett, don't say that. I'm going to die unless my surgery works and the chances are slim you know that!"

"It's not fair," she sniffles.

I stand up and hug her, not wanting to let go.

"Hey I still have a few weeks. Let's enjoy them okay?"

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The days go by slowly, and I spend most of them at the precinct. A lot of the time we all forget what's happening and it seems normal.

I'm having surgery in a month.

It's been two weeks since I found out I have cancer, and I still feel fine.

They expect me to live that long, but if the surgery doesn't work I won't last much longer than that.
Oliver has been spending a lot of time here. He's not taking the news very well.

But I need him to be ready for when I'm gone.

I need them all to be ready.