Castle's partner

Nightmare on Tonight Street

The stage of Montgomery's funeral is again garnished with American flags, but Beckett's not on the podium.
Ryan is.
There is an overwhelmingly loud gunshot, and he sinks to the ground, his pressed suit stained with blood.
I drop next to him and take his hand, Jenny takes the other.
"I-I love you both." He manages before he closes his eyes.
"No Kevin no!" Jenny is screaming for him.
His body goes limp, and I am in shock.
Jenny turns on me, her anger mounting.
"This is YOUR fault! You should be dead instead of him. You got him into your stupid case and now he's dead!"
I know her words are true. It is my fault.
I should be dead.
"Go kill yourself." Jenny screams.
All I can do is nod, knowing thats my best option.
I run, as fast and hard as I can until I get to my abandoned building.
I pull out my razor and slice my wrist.
The cuts get deeper and deeper until I see black spots in my line of vision.
I lay on the floor.
My skin is on fire but I don't care.
I just want to be dead.
As I sink away, someone grabs me.
My eyes fly open, and Esposito is holding my wrist.
"What did you do?!" He yells.
I know there's nothing he can do.
"I killed myself."
"You can't die too." His voice breaks.
"Please."
My heartbeat fades, and the last thing I hear is Espo screaming.

My eyes open and my whole body is shaking. The pain in my wrists seems real, and when I look at them they are covered in bruises I sustained during my dream, probably from hitting them against something.
My face is covered in tears.

The door to my room opens quickly and Ryan flicks on the lights, temporarily blinding me.
I cross my arms over my chest to hide the damage I've inflicted on myself.
He sits next to me, and Jenny follows.
"What happened?" She asks carefully rubbing my back.
"Nothing," I reply trying to hide what is going on.
"This doesn't look like nothing." She gestures to my body.
"I'm fine." I stretch my arm to turn off the lamp and they both see my bruises.
Jenny gapes at the sight, and Ryan inhales sharply.
"What did you do?" Ryan's voice is tight.
I look at both of them, knowing I can't hide this forever.
"I had a nightmare."
"How does that explain how your wrists got like that?" Jenny asks.
I swallow.
"Samantha."
"I killed myself in my dream."
I mutter.
"Why would you do that?"
"Because you told me to."
No one says anything.
Jenny puts her arms around me.
"I would never tell you to do that. I know I haven't been here for awhile, but I still love you."
I hug her tighter.
"But wait, why do you have cuts on your arms too? You can't do that in your sleep. You had to have been awake, which means-"
She lets go of me.
"You self harm."
Tears start rolling down her face.
"Oh my god. You self harm. You self harm."
"Jenny-"
"Samantha doing this leads to things that are worse, like a suicide attempt!"
I grimace at these words.
"You tried didn't you?"
I open my mouth.
"Didn't you!?!"
My vision becomes blurry. I nod at the ground, afraid to look at her.
"I want an explanation, NOW!"
I bite my tongue before speaking.
"I tried the day before yesterday. I'm so depressed, and I didn't know what to do."
"What did you try?"
I shake my head.
"Samantha."
"I tried to jump off the roof of the precinct. Ryan caught me."
I sink into her arms and sob against her shoulder.
She strokes my hair.
"It's ok. I love you and nothing you do will ever change that."
As we sit there, I gain the courage to tell her everything, from my nightmares to abuse.
We are awake for another hour. When we are finally done talking, Jenny asks, "do you want us to stay with you?"
"Yes please."
I lay down with Jenny at my right and Ryan at my left.

As I close my eyes I can feel their warmth against me, and I'm not afraid.