Castle's partner

Not You

We walk back to Beckett's desk, and they are talking about birthdays.
"Hey Ross. When's your birthday?"
I open my mouth to speak, and then I realize I don't really remember.
"Um... I don't really know?" I say fake smiling.
Their jaws drop.
"How do you not know?" Asks Castle.
"I don't know. I guess since I haven't celebrated it in so long it forgot. It's been like five years since my last birthday party. I think it's sometime in May."
"Well lets find out." Says Beckett.
She starts typing on the computer, and my birth certificate pops up.
"May 29th" she says.
I smile, suddenly remembering.
"Oh yeah."
"Hey that's like two weeks from now. Do you wanna have a party?" Asks Castle.
I laugh.
"No thanks."
"Why not?" He frowns.
I struggle to find words, trying to express that it just wouldn't be the same now.
"I just don't. So thanks but I don't want one."
"Ok. Tell me if you change your mind."
I know I won't, but I nod anyways.
I decide to change the subject.
"Hey so when can I get this stupid thing off?" I point to the cast on my leg.
"Um how bout tomorrow? I can schedule an appointment." Replies Beckett.
"Really? YES! Thank you!"

I go back to Ryan's apartment. I am kind of sad. Thinking about the last birthday party I had when my family was together. And then things got kind of hectic when my mom was diagnosed with cancer. We stopped celebrating everything. I haven't really thought about my birthday in a while.
Ryan starts making dinner. He chops up some carrots, and I am lost in thought, not realizing I'm staring at the knife. He catches my gaze.
"Ross?" His voice sounds like a warning. I quickly point my eyes towards the ground. He sets down the knife and sits next to me.
"Do you need to talk?"
I bite the inside of my cheek hard enough to taste blood.
"No."
"Ross please talk to me. Tell me what's bothering you."
"I don't know."
"Yes you do. What's the big deal? Why won't you tell anyone what's wrong? Are you afraid that someone will judge you?"
"No."
"Are you afraid they won't listen?"
"No."
"Are you afraid they will leave?"
"No."
"Then what?" He almost yells.
"It hurts too much." I say loudly. And them I whisper. "It hurts too much."
I look at the hair tie still on my wrist.
"And this isn't enough." I look again towards the knife resting on the counter.
"Ross. Don't even think about it. Remember what I said would happen if you cut yourself?" I do, and I tear my gaze away from it. I never want to see him hurt.
"How do I get this pain to stop?"
He puts his arms around me and rests his chin on the top of my head.
"You could talk to me. I know it helps."
I think for a moment.
"I don't know what to say."
"Ok." He thinks for a moment. "Why don't you tell me what all your nightmares have been about."
When he says this, I immediately see him under the water, along with Castle and Beckett.
"I hate this. If I tell you will they go away?" I ask like a child.
He considers this. "They might."
I take a deep breath.
"Every time, it's the same thing. I see my biggest fear. One of you is being tortured and it's my fault, and there's nothing I can ever do about it. And in the the worst ones, I see- I see someone's dead body. Those ones drive me insane. I can handle the ones where I'm getting tortured, but not when you guys are."
I push away from Ryan because he is silent. His face is filled with sympathy and shock.
"I never though they would be that bad. But I promise you something. If they ever find you again, I won't let them hurt you. They can have me instead." I know a look of horror crosses my face.
"No! You can't do that. Ryan you promise me something. If they ever find me again you let them hurt me not you. I would never forgive myself if something happened to you and it was my fault."
"I would never forgive myself for letting them do that to you. I struggle enough watching you in the pain you are in right now, and this is the aftermath. There is no way I could deal with watching you be tortured right in front of me."
This is the moment I realize how much he cares about me. How he considers me family and he would do anything for me. And if he saw the same thing I do every time I close my eyes he would have almost the same amount of pain I do right now. But it's still not worth it to me. It's not his battle, and I can't let him fight for me.
"Ryan please promise me you would let them have me."
Our eyes meet, and we come to the same conclusion. Neither one of us is ever going to make this promise.