Tween Idle

August 28, 1998

Dear diary,

I HATE MY LIFE. WHY ME. WHY IS IT ALWAYS ME. IM SO MAD RIGHT NOW I COULD SCREAM. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. I WANNA KILL MYSELF AND DIE. MY LIFE IS OVER. I CANT EVEN!! THIS HAS BEEN THE WORST. DAY. EVER. Let's start from the beginning. This morning I woke up and looked in the mirror and saw that I had a zit. Then May and I walked to school together so that we could look at the cast list together. And guess what? I DIDNT GET THE STARRING ROLE. Yeah thats right. I am not the starring role in Someone Else's Heart. Some stupid girl named Sheila Pinkman got the starring role (everyone calls her Sugar Pink for some reason, I think her name should be Sheila PinkMAN stealer) AND MATTHEW GOT THE FREAKING LOVE INTEREST. No offence, but I shouldve gotten the starring role. You know what role I got? A tree. A FREAKING TREE. (May is on stage crew) May turned to me and said "Good job you got a supporting role!" But I didnt think it was a good job. No. It was a bad job. I mean at least Im still in it with Matthew but STILL. Why am I a supporting role? All day I wondered why I didnt get the starring role. I thought I did pretty good. Then I remembered who Sugar was. She's an 8th grader whose one of Sasha's friends. Actually you know what? I did VERY good. I shouldve been the starring role! Not Sugar. I see her laugh at me with Sasha. I saw her laugh at me in the locker room. She doesnt DESERVE the starring role. But she's a popular girl and everyone likes her.

This had to be some sort of joke. Maybe they were pranking me. Or maybe, they accidently switched our names! I had to be the starring role. It was my only chance with Matthew. And so I went into the theater room to talk to Mr. Atwood. "Can I talk to you about something?" I said. "Sure anything" he said. "I think you made a mistake on the cast list" I said. "What do you mean?" he said. "You see, I think you switched me and Sugar's names on accident, but its okay cuse-" Then he interupted me. "There is no mixup Im sorry, Sugar is Julie and you are the tree." I tried to hold in my tears. "But I thought I did really good" I said. "You did very good, everyone did. But some people fit their roles more than others." "So youre saying I dont fit the role of Julie?" I said angrily. "Well-" he said. But before he could finish his sentence, I angrily stormed out of the room and ran to the bathroom. Once I was in the stall, I began to cry. I guess I'll just have to make the best out of it, no matter how upset I am about it. Yeah thats right, my feelings dont matter. No one cares about me. But you know what? Its fine. I dont care about me either. I'll never be Julie, and Im just gonna have to learn to deal with it, as much as I dont want to. Like I said before, no one cares about me or my feelings. No one listens to me. UGH!! I know Im acting like a brat right now but Sugar deserves it for being a mean girl. But hey, at least Im still in the play right? Maybe I still have a chance to get with Matthew! I just wish I werent a TREE in the play. Cuse who would wanna date a freaking TREE?

After school we had rehersal in the theater room and went over the script and I met all the other cast members including Sugar Pink who was chewing pink bubblegum. And guess what? Im a talking tree who only has ONE FREAKING LINE. MY LIFE IS THE WORST. But as I stared at Sugar, I began to see why they picked her as the starring role. SHE'S BEAUTIFAL. She has long blonde hair and blue eyes, a pretty face, perfect skin, pink high heels, she's skinnier than me, and she doesnt wear braces cuse her teeth are alredy perfect (theyre also whiter than mine) She also smells like perfume. And guess what else? SHE HAS BIG BOOBS. Like REALLY BIG BOOBS. I think they're called DDs. (why not me-me?) Standing next to her made me realize how ugly I was. I was the complete opposite of her. HOW COULD I COMPETE WITH THAT?? Maybe if I looked like her I wouldve gotten the starring role. Why cant I look her? Why cant I be as skinny as her? Why cant my teeth be as perfect as hers? Why cant my boobs be as big as hers? And guess what else? MATTHEW HAS TO FREAKING KISS HER. I saw the way he looked at her during rehersal. Why cant he look at me like that? He probably doesnt even know I exist. He probably only knows me as "the girl who stuffed her shirt." LIFE. ISNT. FAIR!!

When rehersal was over, I decided to compliment Sugar to be nice and tell her she was pretty, but she just looked at me weird and said "What are you a lesbian or something?" (she had an accent like mine) and walked away. I was pissed. IM NOT A LESBIAN! I LIKE BOYS! IM BOY CRAZY! One time I looked at a girl lifeguard the same way I look at cute boys (like Matthew) but that doesnt mean Im a lesbian. Its just cuse she was pretty and girls find each other pretty all the time, thats all. I wish I was pretty like her. I wish people would stare at me and have crushes on me and wish they were me. But I dont think anyone's ever had a crush on me. WHY DO I HAVE TO BE SO UGLY. If only there was a way to get Sugar out of the play so I can be the starring role and kiss Matthew. But maybe there is. I know its wrong but Sugar is a mean girl so she kinda deserves it. Matthew deserves WAY better than her. He deserves someone who will treat him right, like me. I just hope he dosent have any feelings for Sugar outside of the play.

May and I walked out together cuse her mom was picking us up. "I shouldve gotten the starring role, not that stupid bitch Sugar" I said. "And the fact that she called you a lesbian becuse you were nice enough to give her a compliment, like just becuse you compliment another girl dosent mean youre a lesbian" said May. "Exactly!" I said.