Tween Idle

September 26, 1998

(TRIGGER WARNING: This entire chapter discusses eating disorders)

Dear diary,

I didnt eat anything at all today. I told my mom I wasnt hungry. Even though I was. But it was better than being fat. "Are you sure you arent hungry?" my mom asked. "YES NOW LEAVE ME ALONE" I yelled as I stormed upstairs to my room. All day I just stayed in my room and tried to distract myself by exercising.

I exercised all day. I lifted weights and did some stretches. I didnt care how tired or achy I got. Beauty is pain. If you want something, you gotta work for it. And I wanna look like Sugar. I wanna look as pretty as her. I wanna be as skinny as her. I want boys to compliment me the way they compliment Sugar.

That night, I looked in the mirror. Nothing changed. I still looked the same. How much harder do I have to work? I worked my arse off all day. I'm tired. I'm tired of being ugly. I bet no one in the entire school has a crush on me. The only person at school who thinks I'm pretty is May. But I just know she's lying to make me feel better cause I'm her friend. Why cant I just be pretty?