Tween Idle

September 12, 1998

(TRIGGER WARNING: This chapter discusses pedophilia and grooming)

Dear diary,

Its the weekend again. Today I went to May's house and we watched TV together. And guess what was on? AN INTERVIEW WITH LUCKY STAR!! "With her hit single Let Me Take You There, this teen pop star really takes pride in her name! Please welcome Lucky Star!" said the interview guy. In the interview the guy asked Lucky "How does it feel to be a teen idle?" "I dont know, I guess Im just lucky" Lucky laughed. Lucky is everything I wanna be. I wanna be a singer. I wanna be a teen idle. You know what? Im gonna start calling myself a tween idle.

Then suddenly, I heard yelling. LOUD yelling. May and I turned around. Her parents were fighting upstairs. It was bad. And when I say it was bad, I mean bad. I COULD HEAR THEM THROWING THINGS. This is the reason we usualy go to my house. May looked really upset and freaked out, so I turned to her and said "Lets go outside okay?" And so I took her hand and we went outside and played with jump ropes. But May was still upset. While I was still jumping, she stopped jumping and sat down on the concrete. I noticed and stopped jumping too.

"You okay?" I asked concernedly. "Do I look like Im okay?" she said. Then she paused. "Sorry I didnt mean to lash out, Im just really worried about my parents" she said. I sat down next to her and put my hand on her shoulder, accidentally shocking her. "Sorry" I said. Then I paused. "Im sorry about what youre going through, I wish there was something I could do" I said. I didnt know how else to comfort her. "Its fine, you cant control it and neither can I, but being with you helps" she said. That made me happy. "Wanna go to my house?" I said. "Sure" she said. And so we put the jump ropes away and went out front. We walked to my house which was about a block away.

When we got there my mom wasnt home. I think she was running an arrand or something. We sat on the couch in my living room for a few minutes. We were bored and had nothing to do. Then May had an idea and turned to me. "Have you heard of hampster dance?" she asked. "No whats that?" I asked. "I'll show you" she said. And so we went on the computer and waited for it to boot up. Then she went to this website called Hampster Dance which had a bunch of hamsters dancing. "THEY SPELLED HAMSTER WRONG" I said. "I know" said May as she clicked out of the website. Then she asked me "You ever heard of AIM?" "No" I said. "Its a messaging website, the kids at school talk about it so I created an acount last night" she said. "Show me" I said. And so May went to AIM and logged onto her acount. Her username is SparkleJumpRopeQueen, which is kind of a stupid username in my opinion but if she likes it then so be it. After she logged out she turned to me.

"You wanna create an acount?" she asked. "Yeah!" I said. And so May helped me create an acount. I chose my screen name to be Hellokitty17 (17 is my lucky number) and my password to be matthewscutebutt. Then I added May as a friend. "So what now?" I said after I created my acount. "You can go on a chatroom and talk to real people" said May. And so I went on a chatroom. The people there said stuff like "LOL" and "LMAO" Then suddenly, I got a direct message from someone named Loverboy. "Loverboy? Isnt that like a band?" I asked May. "Yeah" she said. "Hey" texted Loverboy. "Hi!!" I texted back. "ASL?" Loverboy texted. I turned to May. "Are they asking if Im deaf or something?" I asked her. "No that means age sex location, not american sign language" she said. "They want my age, sex and location?" I said. "Yeah" said May. Then she paused. "I have to pee" she said as she got up and went to the bathroom.

"12 female shellfish beach what about u?" I texted Loverboy. "30 male Los Angeles" he texted back. "Wow ur so much more older than me" I texted. "Now that we know each other can I ask you some questions?" he texted back. "Sure!" I texted. "What color is ur hair?" he texted back. "Dark brown which is an ugly color, I wanna be a bottle blonde" I texted. "Dont waste time being insecure about ur hair, its beautiful just the way it is" he texted back. That made me smile. "Tysm that means a lot!" I texted. "Ur welcome" he texted back. He was so nice! "Ur nice, nicer than the kids at school" I texted. "And ur mature for ur age" he texted back. "Thanks for the compliment! The kids at school dont think Im mature so" I texted. "Dont waste time worrying about what other kids think" he texted back. I was happy I'd made a new friend. "Can I just say ur like a father figure to me, u seem like someone I can trust and talk to" I texted. "Thats good to hear!" he texted back. "My dad left when I was young" I texted. "Im sorry to hear that." he texted back. "Its fine, it was a long time ago" I texted. "Is it ok if I ask some more personal questions?" he texted back. "Ofc!" I texted. "Have u gotten ur period yet?" he texted back. "No" I texted. "Im sure you'll get it soon" he texted back. "Yeah but I'm kinda scared for it" I texted. "U ever had a boyfriend?" he texted back. "No but I have a crush, but he'll never like me back cause I'm too ugly" I texted. "Dont say that stuff like that about yourself, ur beautiful" he texted back. "Thx!" I texted. He made me feel special. We texted for about like 10 minutes. I think May was pooping. Then, Loverboy asked me a really weird question.

"How big are ur tits?" he texted back. I paused. Why was he asking weird questions? "They havent grown yet" I texted. "So ur flat chested?" he texted back. "Yeah" I texted. "Have u ever played with ur clit?" he texted back. "Why are u asking that?" I texted. "U said I could ask personal questions" he texted back. "Yeah ur right" I texted. "I'm stroking my cock. 9 inches. Wanna see?" he texted back. "EWW NO I DONT WANNA SEE UR PENIS" I texted. "Send pics?" he texted back. "Of what?" I texted. "Ur tits and pussy" he texted back. Thats when I got a bad feeling in my gut. I heard May coming back from the bathroom.

"MAY COME HERE" I yelled. She came over and sat next to me. "Whats wrong?" she asked. I pointed to the screen. She took the mouse and scrolled through the messages. "OH MY GOD" she said as she looked through the messages. Then she paused and turned to me. "Block him" she said. "How do I do that?" I asked. "I'll do it for you" she said as she pressed the block button. I sat there in shock at what had just happened. "That was so weird" I said. "Yeah, I get weird messages from older men all the time" she said. "Do they know youre 12?" I asked. "Sometimes I'll tell them and they just keep going" she said.

Later when May left, I sat in my room and cried. I felt like I did something wrong. I thought I'd made a new friend. I thought I could trust him. HOW COULD I BE THAT STUPID? Maybe it was my fault. Maybe I deserved it for creating an AIM account. Maybe I deserved it for going on that chatroom. Maybe I deserved it for trusting him. I thought older men were supposed to be like father figures, not ask for pictures of your private parts.